Sleepless September

Except for that dark period in my life, I have never slept so badly as I did in September. In the first week of the month, I was told I had been shortlisted for an interview at Bristol Uni, and since then, my stress levels have been sky high. I have never felt so incapable of handling stress as I have in the past few months, and this months was the pits. I remember how just last month or so I had observed that I hadn't suffered from poor sleep since the early days of the pandemic. I spoke to soon. At Bristol uni, I feel out of depth in a pool I don't want to be in. I feel both averse to and inferior to the mainstream economists that populate the economics department there. I also feel like an impostor for telling them I can teach whatever they want me to, and allowing them to assume that I am a fellow mainstream economist. I feel both incapable of and unwilling to teach mainstream economics. Apart from the job stress, the flimsiest of reasons have kept me up at night--irritation with my housemates, a tiff with my friend, anxiety about a trivial issue with my interview video. Earlier in the month, I found myself waking up very early, but in the past week or so, I have also had trouble falling asleep. Trouble falling asleep and waking up early is a nasty combo, and its taken all I have to stop myself panicking about my lack of sleep. The only time I have felt stressfree in the past few weeks is while teaching students. It picked me up on Monday, before the stress of teaching on another module levelled me again. But, today, was not even a teaching session. It was just us talking about one of their assignments. But, it picked me up all the same. I have been warned about how students at this uni tend to be cocky and entitled. Its still early days, and my students may yet turn out to be like that. But, I feel a kindness and compassion for them that I didn't think I was capable of feeling, especially during the pandemic. That might change in the coming weeks or months or maybe I am discovering a new side to myself.