Hike With The Ramblers

 My first proper hike since 2017. It was with a group called The Ramblers, which is apparently a very old and well-established organisation with radical-left working-class origins. I and a guy who sounded Eastern European, and had rocked up with nothing but a bottle of coca cola tucked into his back pocket, were the only foreigners. I was also the youngest person by a large margin, but I didn't feel out of place at all. I have always felt like an old soul and I got along well with everyone. On my meet-up walks with the international group, I always feel like I have to initiate conversation, and I assumed that is because I have a slightly cold manner. To be sure, I have met some interesting people through the international group, and I count one as a friend and a few others as more than acquaintances, but not quite friends. But, with most others, the conversation drags because the only thing we have in common is the fact we are both foreigners. And, since the walks are so relaxed, socializing is a big part of them. But, today was about serious hiking. We set off at a brisk pace, stops were pre-decided and timed, and although it was like an army march, there was no mucking about. It felt good to be around people who are passionate about being in the hills/mountains. Also, I don't remember being bored even once. There were some very experienced hikers and I got some good tips for my upcoming Nepal trek. All in all, a very good day. 

Marxism

This is not an academic blog and I don't want to start an academic discussion here. But, today, in our online discussion group, it was me against a group of Marxists. The discussion was very amicable, but it reminded me about less amicable discussions with my parents, who are ardent Marxists. The biggest barrier to debating Marxists is the terminology. Fictitious capital, valorisation, exploitation, etc. And, this may seem harsh, but many Marxists don't use precise definitions. They have a gut-level instinctive attraction for Marxist ideas, which is fine. We are often attracted to ideas, without being able to articulate our understanding of them. But, then, it is difficult to convince people who don't share that gut-level instinctual fascination. Its not a school of thought, but a lens that demands a lot from the wearer. There are no reluctant or wavering Marxists. Your are either a staunch one or you are not a Marxist. Also, I find many Marxist concepts are so loosely defined that its possible to fit almost any reality. For instance, almost anything can be termed as a contradiction of capitalism. In today's world, its not difficult to spot "over-accumulation", etc. and Marxists love to say, "I told you so" after a crisis, even thought most Marxists explanations of crises have barely changed since Marx's times. I realise I may be a bit unfair here and may not have read enough Marx or Marxists. 

Privilege Guilt

 I suppose all social scientists struggle to connect with people who don't share their political views. Or, maybe, only the sanctimonious ones do. The meet-up walk to Brecon beacons yesterday had two South Africans. I am wary of bringing up the topic of race with white South Africans, just as I would never bring up the question of caste or Modi with Indians. I stay away from these topics because chances are, I wouldn't like what I hear. Living in countries as riven with disparities is South Africa and India requires one to unsee stuff that would horrify an outsider. I want to say the conversation naturally turned towards race, but the truth is I was curious about their views. So, I brought up JM Coetzee, who is one of my favourite authors. He is a white South African, but race relations are a big theme in his novels, and he writs sensitively and incisively. The South African woman on the trek said his white characters are always villains and black characters are saints. I replied that that wasn't the case, at least in one of his most famous works. She admitted the point, but mentioned a more recent work that I hadn't read. And, then she talked about how Black South Africans don't see racism as their biggest problem, and are more concerned about poverty, corruption, etc. I remained silent, but felt like a sanctimonious twat afterwards. I remember feeling distinctly uncomfortable when a conversation with a friend and her friend turned to privileged Indians. At the time, I felt that I am well aware of my privilege, and didn't need to be reminded about it by someone who I had just met, and who had already pissed me off for an unrelated reason. But, I suppose everyone get uncomfortable when their privilege is brought up. The ones who are not aware of it. But, even people who are aware of it like to talk about it on their own terms and I have to admit that there is some virtue-signaling involved, at least in my case. 

Personal Tutees and Suicide

I just heard that one of my friends personal tutees committed suicide. The worst fear of everyone personal tutor came through in this case. I have decided to track all my personal tutees who are AWOL and write to them tomorrow. This is partly an exercise in ass-covering, partly in assuaging guilt in advance and partly out of concern for my students. But, one thing we have to keep in mind that we have too little influence or involvement in these students' lives. Yes, shows of concern and kindness can help a mildly depressed student feel better. But, its not going to do much for a moderately or severely depressed student. We are not trained counsellors, and the most we can do to a distressed student who approaches us  is direct them towards someone else. We are the school's cynical attempt to show students that they care. But, all we can do is show compassion in such cases. And compassion is great, but I'm guessing it cannot help prevent suicide. Our students have whole lives outside the ambit of their university classrooms. Our students are enigmas to us. Our contact with them is minimal in terms of time and impact. Parents may lash out to us to assuage their own guilt, but that doesn't make us guilty. 

To be Guided or Not to Be Guided

 I am still trying to organize my trek to Nepal and one of the questions that I have worked myself into a tizzy about whether to go guided or unguided. I wouldn't have minded a guided group but it is seeming increasingly unlikely that I will be able to join a group. So, looks like its just going to be me and a guide. being with a guide has its obvious pros--don't have to worry about the route, logistics, etc, and I can focus on enjoying the mountains. I have been to Nepal before but I am not an experienced enough trekker to be able to do it unguided without confidence. However, being an introvert, the first question that came to my mind is what do I talk to him about for 8 plus hours a day for seven days? With a group, I could have relied on the more chatty members to engage with the guide for a bulk of the time. And walking alone in the mountains has its own charm. However, the law has changed in Nepal, so the routes along which you can go unguided are few and far between. And, I earn in pounds now, and while I am not a high earner by any stretch of imagination, I would probably be comfortably rich in Nepal. My right to wanderlust or to find myself doesn't come before the right of people in one of the poorest countries in the world to earn a livelihood. So, at the end of the day, its an easy decision. A guided trek it is. 

Another Blah Meet-Up

 This was last evening, but I was too tired to write about it yesterday. In a post I had written more than four years ago, I had talked about why I avoided pub socials, and this meet-up reminded me that I was write. In pub socials, you are stick with the people you are seated beside. If they bore you, excusing yourself and inserting yourself into another conversation takes a level of tact and effort that I struggle to muster,. So, I just sat there with my beer, waiting till it wouldn't feel to weird or rude to leave. Finding intelligent people who share your interests is not easy, and you are unlikely to find them in a random group of strangers. Similar sense of humour, life experiences, interests, you need something to keep the conversation going. Which is why I so miss the book club, even though I was the only bloke there for most of the meetings. But, one lives and learns. I now live in a house that I don't feel the need to escape from, so I can afford to be more selective in my choice of engagements. 

How Much To Prep for A Lecture.

 Tomorrow if the first of my final week of lecturing this semester. When I first started lecturing, I would practice my lectures to time. Now, I have started to explore spontaneity. I think in the process of writing, so maybe lecturing is similar. New ideas, new insights may hit me when I am in the act of lecturing. Or, so I hope. The truth is the students are uninterested and uninformed, and lecturing them is a drag. SO, its not just an experiment with spontaneity, it is also a lack of enthusiasm on my part. I started out with hopes of reworking my course material from last year, which I was not very happy with. I ended up barely reworking anything. This lack of enthusiasm for both teaching and research will pass. Or I will find something else or someone else to be excited about. How long can I go through life coasting?

Landlord Returns

 My landlord returns tomorrow, so I will have to adjust to sharing my living space with someone else. No more prancing around in my underwear or chucking stuff down the stairs to be picked up later. But, this house has plenty of room, and my landlord seems like a gentle and interesting chap. Living by myself has taken some getting used to. I remember in the early days how the thought of being at home for two days in a row was discomfiting. Not any more, so I wonder how I will feel to share my living space with someone else.  

Encounter Killings

 The trigger for my doom-scrolling today was news of a alleged gangster and former MP being gunned down while in a police custody. A few days earlier, his son had been killed in an encounter in the same god-forsaken state. I am aware how bad social media is for one's mental health. It informs you of everything wrong that is happening in the world, and the manner in which the information is conveyed is meant to arouse your passions. Social media is a great tool for activism, but if you are prone to cynicism and fatalism, then it can be very draining. I realise that life hasn't changed for my upper-middle-class bubble in India, apart from the worsening heat, pollution and traffic. And, it also true that when you are living in India, the chaos drowns out some of the bad news. I am also aware that fresh hells explode materialize in different parts of the world every day. People are killed, maimed, stricken by serious illness, and, if they survive their lives are irrevocably changed. But, I don't need to hear about all of them as callous as that sounds. Its perfectly possible to get worked up about the state of the world regularly without lifting a finger to do something about it. Either lift a finger or don't get worked up. I need to get better at moderating my consumption of news, which is no easy feat, given that I am news junkie. But, like with most things in life, practice helps. 

Grief Vs Adversity

As I was leaving today, I asked a colleague who is also in the job market if he was doing okay. He said he is fine and that these things don't affect him too much. He said that when he lost his mother more than 25 years ago, he realised that there could be no greater pain. Which got me thinking: does grief make you stronger? My experience with grief is limited. My two grandfather who were well into old age, and a close friend whom I hadn't seen in three years and was living in a different country. None of them were part of the tapestry of my daily life. Some day, if I live to a decent age, I will experience grief. but does, grief make you more resilient to future grief? I don't think so. You don't cope with it, you live with it. Maybe time dulls the initial sting, the gnawing pain but the loss remains forever. Do you learn from grief? I havve no clue.

Adversity, on the other hand, can toughen you up. It can teach you about yourself and the world, and how to cope with both. It can make you more tolerant or more proactive or both. 

Introverts Meet-UP Group

I had signed up for a meet-up event of the social introverts group today, but the rain made me miss it. The topic  of discussion for today's event was Myers-Brigs personality types. To be honest, finding out my Myers-Brig personality type did make me feel more normal. My personality quirks that I felt were bespoke turned out not to be so. Maybe it would have been an interesting discussion, maybe not. But I have my doubts whether I would enjoy being part of that group. Most of my closest friends are either out-and-out extroverts or introverted extroverts. I think introverts and extroverts balance each other well. Extroverts draw introverts out of their shell. As an introvert myself, I would find it exhausting to draw another introvert out of their shell. 

Default Happiness Setting

I was talking with a close friend the other day, and, thinking aloud, I told her that I want to be with a happy person. Someone whose default setting is happy, which is not the case with me. The friend I was talking to is going through hell at the moment, but I would describe her default state as happy. As I would of my sister and father. I don't equate chirpy with happy, and I realise you have to know a person well before you can form judgements about their default state. But, then it occurred to me that most of the people I would describe as happy were female, and unhappy would be male. I wonder why that is the case? 

Your default state of mind is usually inborn. I realised that when I met my cousin's son, who is the most cheerful baby I have ever met. Maybe his personality will change dramatically when he grows up, but I doubt it. So, if you are born as a happy or unhappy person, is there hope for you if you are the latter? I would like to believe so. I don't have anything more to say right now, but this is a topic that I will keep returning to because it is so important. 

Hosting

When I moved to this place, one of the things I was looking forward to was being able to host people. I have a bit of my Dad in me, in that I like to pamper people that I am fond of. The difference is there are very few people I am fond of. And, I sometimes end up pampering people that I am not fond of, which I resent. It surprises me how much I resent it. I have one friend who bores me no end, and I still hang out with them. A big problem is this friend is quite sensitive to ribbing, so I can't joss about the way I do with my other friends. I am pretty sure that the feeling is at least partially reciprocated. but, we continue to meet, and it is often I who initiate the meetings. Sometimes it is out of a sense of obligation because they have not been as fortunate as me. Sometimes, it is because group plans don't work out and in the end its just the two of us. Sometimes, it is out of my own loneliness. I don't have a reason to be out of the house on weekends any longer as I don't have irascible housemates. So I am guessing I will get used to spending time with myself. Become more comfortable in my own skin. 

Bad Outcome, But Could Have Been Worse

So, I didn't get the job. Or, at least, I am not their first choice. If the first choice can't or doesn't take up the position or if they open a new position within six months, the job is mine. I am still not sure how I feel about the outcome. When I first saw the email, a tear came to my eye, but it quickly vanished. This was not a dream job, but it was a permanent job. And it is a heterodox department. Not getting this job means my precarious situation continues, and I can't plan for life ahead. But, I don't feel as bad as I thought I would. Yes, I did beat myself up for not having a permanent job, partner or too many friends in Bristol. I whined about not having felt intelligent in a really long time. But, this has whining has gone on for so long, its getting boring. And, I didn't just sit at home and mope. I had plans to go to the gym and go for a bike ride, which turned into a plan to trek Cheddar Gorge with work colleagues. The gorge was beautiful and I had a nice time. Its not easy to trust that all will be well, because of the state the world is in. But, I am prepared to put in the physical work, the intellectual work and the spiritual work for a more peaceful and fulfilling life. 

Delayed Interview Outcome

 It turns out I will have to wait till the end of  next week to hear about the outcome of the interview. This news came after I had spent an anxious day waiting for the phone to ring. Its obviously not ideal but it could have been worse. At least this way I can go ahead with my India plans, and even if I don't get the job I will have to trip to look forward to. 

Coasting

 As I wait to hear about the outcome of my UWE interview, I have realised I have been coasting for the past few years. I haven't applied myself fully to anything apart from maybe my PhD. Maybe its the scars from the PhD, maybe its the scars from the pandemic maybe its the combo of the two, but I feel like I have just been coasting. I don't want to turn this into an exercise in self-flagellation. Life is difficult for a single millennial with a lacklustre social life in present-day England. But, there has been no major crisis in my life, and I am tired of being buffeted by the winds in my head. I often complain to myself these days that it has been years since I have felt intelligent or funny. But, the truth is one can feel intelligent only when one applies their mind to something. And, with passion, else they are not fully exerting their mental faculties. So, maybe, if I don't get the job, it will be the kick I need to get off my bottom. Yes, I am not satisfied with my PhD, but my PhD will be done soon. There is no point in moping over an ordinary PhD. I know there is value in my work, even if I don't see it yet. Its time to get moving and move on from my PhD and apply myself to my work. Bring the same dedication that I bring to exercise to my scholarship. It would be one thing if I had a bunch of other hobbies or were busy with family or social life. I don't, so I really don't have an excuse for this half-assed approach towards my profession. Be a bit that like economist who was solving equations on a paper napkin in an aeroplane, which was mistaken for Arabic writing by a Karen. 

Weird Encounter on OkC

Yesterday, I had a weird encounter with a girl on a dating website. In fact, she asked me to start blogging about my dating experiences, so I guess I will start with her. She has messaged me overnight, saying she had a feeling that I did blog about dating (my profile mentioned that I didn't. That exchange soon turned into a very intense conversation about what a bad place she is in her life right now, and how its a constant battle between what she wants and what she needs, as far as her dating life is concerned. I felt pressured to share to keep the conversation going, so I told her how long I had been single for and how I had never been in a long-term relationship. So many red flags in our conversation, but I kept going because she is hot and I have been single and celibate for ages. But, I found the conversation so discomfitting that I didn't sleep well at night. The thought of continuing to interact with her and potentially even meeting her in person stressed me out. Who the hell airs all their dirty laundry the first time they are talking to someone? I needn't have worried though. I went to sleep before I could reply to her last message, and in the morning she was gone. She had blocked me, I guess, thinking I had disappeared. At first, I thought I should have let her know before going to bed. But, then I realised I had dodged a torpedo. This girl seemed like a hot mess from the get-go, and I don't think I can deal with messes right now or ever. The pandemic has wreaked havoc with people's inner lives, and one most tread carefully.