The Importance of Stupidity

This morning, I read a great piece about the importance of feeling  stupid while doing research. I have written before about how feeling diffident can push one to work harder, especially those of us prone to overconfidence. But, this blog was about something else. It spoke to the primary difference between being a good student and being a good researcher. It is possible to be a good student without being a good researcher. One might be great at grasping the import of other people's discoveries, but might lack the intellectual curiosity and creative thinking to make discoveries of one's own. Being a good researcher involves becoming comfortable with "immersion into the unknown". It takes a lot of getting used to, as I am discovering at the start of the final year of my PhD.
Doing a PhD involves feeling very big (sometimes) and feeling very small (most of the time). A single person's research is a pinprick compared to the vastness of the unknown. But, it is these pinpricks numbering in the billions (and a few stabs by geniuses) that have been the motor of advancement of our species. 

Distractions

Yesterday, I was having an intense discussion with a friend about self-realization and social institutions that come in the way of it like marriage and the glorification of child-bearing. I said these are distractions that take up mental and physical energy, leaving little time or inclination to reflect on one's life. Social norms are a conveyor belt which if you manage to stay on makes life much easier. No one follows social norms to the T and we all bend them to an extent, but there is a difference between bending the rules while pretending to obey them and openly defiance. I am not glorifying the rebellious life and neither do I judge people who are on the conveyor built. Neither am I saying those who have choosen to step off are automatically more enlightened and kind than those who are. All I say is one must aim to be comfortable with oneself whether one chooses to be on or off the conveyor built. I acknowledge that is not always a free choice, and it is a privilege to even have that choice. But the least we can do is identify social norms as being just that--norms--and not the distillation of eternal truths about human nature such as the need for monogamous companionship and children to propagate the race. 

Mosquitoes

I am mortally afraid of mosquitoes, having contracted dengue fever twice in my life and malaria about four times. Given that my last bout of dengue was the trigger for The Troubles, the mere sight of a mosquito sends me into a panic. My fear of mosquitoes even over-rides my eco-guilt, pushing me to use the AC at night even if its cool enough to do without. The AC keeps the mosquitoes away, after all. I can't imagine what it will be like if I catch dengue again so I take as few chances as possible. Maybe my fear of mosquitoes is irrational but all of us have a quota of quirks and I am willing to use up most of mine on this one. 

Not as Smart

The other day I read my psych evaluation from two years ago. I was a mess at the time and my responses to the test questions would have made me cringe were it not for the fact that I have learnt to be kinder and less judgemental. But there was a line in the report that really stuck in my craw. It said my level of ambition was far higher than the creative resources of my personality. That was the psychologist's intepretation of an ink-blot test and some of the tests seemed like vodoo. While drawing inferences about the mental and emotional make-up of a person after spending just a few hours with them is a fraught exercise, this blog is not about the merits and demerits of psych evaluations. It is about how someone else's perception of us could be so different from our own. Maybe a few months ago, being told that my ambition outstrips my potential would have hurt me. But the past few months of PhD life have been a chastening experience and I am much more open to criticism.

New Order

News that the UK Supreme Court had struck down as unlawful Boris Johnson's move to suspend Parliament came as a welcome distraction as I was tussling with the first chapter of my PhD today. Self-identified liberals were jubilant as it reinforced their faith in one of the most important institutions of liberal democracies--a judiciary independent of the  government. I am not so sure it is such a game-changer. The rules of engagement in politics are changing, and the right-wing governments that have swept into power in many countries across the globe don't play by the old rules. If they  are powerful enough, they rewrite the rules to suit them, as they are doing in India. But, there is no guarantee they will play by these new rules if they start to work against them. In fact, I worry more about when the rightwing is in decline because that is when the real violence will start. Fascists don't give up power without a ruinous war.
But putting aside these dismal scenarios for the moment, and putting my wonky hat on: It is times like these when fundamental questions about power and legitimacy become fascinating. Questions such as where does a particular political configuration draw its power and legitimacy from. Money, Military Power, a broad democratic consensus achieved sometimes by lying to the people? 

Confidence Deficit

I have written extensively about pride and overconfidence, here, here and here. But after a longish phase where my confidence has been in deficit more often than in surplus, I wonder whether that's really a bad thing. Maybe people prone to overconfidence function better in a confidence deficit. It pushes them harder, and they have enough innate confidence that keeps them from drowning to the pits of diffidence. People prone to diffidence, on the other hand, are more effective when they are feeling confident. Each category is paralyzed if their natural tendency dominates. 

Back After a Break

I'm back after an involuntary break from work and blogging due to a pesky cold. Having written before about what makes colds so annoying,  I won't bother you again. But, this cold, just like the previous two ones, were brought one by my deciding to exercise even though I was feeling under the weather. I knew I ran a high risk of falling sick before starting my working routine but I feel I am a little addicted to exercise. I was also feeling a little stressed and anxious and needed something to distract me. As it turns out, a cold is an unwelcome and prolonged distraction. Transforming a mental issue into a physical one is not the best way to deal with it. I would like to think that over the years I have become  better at listening to my body and not pushing it beyond the limit. Listening to it, but not heeding it, as it turns out. In any case, there is not use lolling in crying over spilled milk. Hopefully, I have learnt my lesson, at least for the next few months. 

Movies and Wokeness

It is difficult to watch any Bollywood movie these days, even the ones I enjoyed when I was younger. For one, my taste in movies has become more selective. And secondly, most mainstream Bollywood actors are cads in real life and many are right-wing cads. Of course, I could never watch a movie by any actor who is a cheerleader for the current fascist government in India. But, even those who are not cheerleaders have maintained a complicit silence. Okay, maybe you don't want to speak against the government and get into all kinds of trouble, but surely you can speak up for survivors of sexual assault in your own industry? I have no illusions that I am taking stand by not watching the movies of actors without execrable opinions. I don't watch their movies because the mere sight of them annoys me, and there are enough things in the world that do that as it is.

Since a progressive person has plenty to be mad about these days, where do I draw the line of disengagement? At people who explicitly support fascism and who should know better given their profession, such as journalism or academic, etc. 

Inept Interviewer

When I was a journalist I would sometimes interview someone who was clearly smart but wasn't being tested by my questions. Sometimes they were obviously bored, and at other times they were too polite to show it. Sometimes these lacked luster  because I was unprepared, and at other times because I found their personalities cold. Yesterday, it was a bit of both. It didn't help that it was my first interview after a long gap, and I wish it had been with a less important person. Going back over the recording of interview tapes is also not a pleasant experience. You register all the questions you didn't ask, the points where you could have sought clarification and the points where you interrupted the interviewer when they were saying something interesting just to show that you were keeping up with them (winces). But going back over yesterday's interview, I realized it wasn't as bad as I had previously thought. Yes, the interviewees manner wasn't warm, but I have no reason to believe he bore me a grudge and he did say some useful things. 

Sweating the Small Stuff

If you are an over-thinker like I do, you may have a tendency to sweat the small stuff. Ascribe too much importance to events and people that are trivial to your existence in the longer scheme of things. Which is why I admire people who can bury themselves in their work or passions without effort. But, if you are not such a person, you need to consciously make the effort not to sweat the small stuff without beating yourself up for sweating the small stuff. I remember an email a friend forwarded from a professor. He was replying to her email about how she would have loved to pursue a PhD supervised by him but couldn't because of a stormy personal life. He was sympathetic in his response but suggested that only starting a PhD once all her ducks were in order might not be the best course of action. Maybe her PhD would help her get her ducks in order. I say Amen to that.

Angry Youngish Man

I feel like I am turning into a grumpy uncle. At dinner today, my nephew was reading the ridiculously lame message on the cover of a mineral water bottle, and that was my cue to launch into a tirade about the use of plastic. My nephews looked a little puzzled.

My anger goes up a few notches when I am around people who (I think) are apolitical or on the wrong (right) side of the political spectrum. Back in Bristol, I would feel it rise when I was with a particular colleague. Someone with a personality like mine doesn't do outbursts. Instead, my anger manifests itself as mean humour. I am careful enough to make my intentions seem ambigous but if I am being honest with myself, it comes from a place of anger. Anger often stems from frustration at one's own sense of helplessness, I realize. Its not like I am doing anything for the earth or for society so what expectations am I allowed to have of others? And, even if I was doing something, would I have to the right to have expectations of others?

Maybe that's the wrong way of looking at it. From a purely pragmatic point of view, I can have as high expectations as I like if I don't mind being perpetually disappointed. But, that is not very healthy. So, projecting your own expectations on others and coming across as a sanctimonious prick is not conducive to one's own mental well-being.  

Yes, the world is one fire, and yes, anger, helplessness and frustration are understandable reactions. But, one's first reactions need not be permanent reactions. It is possible to observe own's reactions and take a conscious step back. And the key to mental well-being is knowing when to step forward and when to step back.

Aptitude Test

I was going through some old papers in my desk today, and I stumbled upon my aptitude results from 16 years ago. I had taken the test after high school as I was confused about what to do next. The counselors' recommendation was I should take up engineering because I had scored high on mechanical comprehension and numerical ability even though my interest inventory said Arts. I am guessing the counselor was swayed by what she thought my parents wanted to here. Maybe she thought her job was to be the neutral authority figure to rubber-stamp parents' chosen vocation for their kid. And, it may have been a fair assumption on her part that an engineering graduate and a Physics PhD might want their son to take up a career in engineering.
I don't feel anger towards the counselor, only disdain for the education system in this country. Very few kids at 17 know what they want to do with their lives. The system should allow them to change course with much ado, not feel like abject failures. But, I am just relieved that I don't have to go through the agonizing experience of higher education in India again.
And as far as my meandering career trajectory is concerned, I have zero regrets. Every loop taught me something--about the specific field, about the wider world or about myself. But, if I could go back to when I was 17, I would definitely not choose engineering school again. 

Being Challenged

One of the disadvantages of writing for yourself is that it is a bit of an echo-chamber. And if you are more prone to over-confidence than diffidence like I am, it is easy to fall in love with you words and feel like you are full of sagely wisdom. I saw my counselor today and she challenged my beliefs about the way I was using writing. What I thought was a form of therapeutic writing was, in fact, plain old venting which might bring some relief, but was unlikely to aid in personal growth. I had felt quite smart and innovative when I had hit upon that particular form of writing, so that was a chastening moment. But, that is one of the purposes of counselling--to have your beliefs about yourself challenged, especially those that come in the way of you being the best possible version of yourself. Most people resist being challenged on their beliefs about themselves, and that is not a wholly bad thing. It keeps us from being quivering heaps of perpetual self-doubt. Only people whose intelligence and wisdom we respect can challenge us without triggering our defense mechanisms. The meeting with my counselor was intense, and I will be chewing over the stuff that came up for weeks or even months to come. 

Many Worlds

I have often ruminated on the idea that the world is changing in drastic ways and at a stomach-wrenching pace. But, to nitpick a bit, it would be more faithful to my feelings to say that some worlds are changing more than others. Acknowledging that these are points of deep philosophical debates and accepting that I might be treating them somewhat flippantly, we all have personal worlds that overlap with the external world and with the worlds of others. But, the overlap is not complete and that is the basis for the individual experience of life. Overlaps happen by choice or destiny, and I don't mean just the people who come into our lives. I am talking about an individual's experience of life which can never be identical to another's but can nonetheless overlap to differing extents. The world of a poor, Dalit woman has perhaps not changed as much as mine or possibly has changed more but in a different way. When one gets too exercised about the dismal state of the world and the ignorance and apathy towards it, one must remember that our experience is our experience alone. If someone experiences the world in a fundamentally different way, they can't be expected to react to it in the same way. Processes at work that seem blindingly obvious to us might not be to another person of similar  intelligence. This is not a cop-out in the fashion of trying to be compassionate towards right-wingers. It is a tool for survival and a  palliative for rage, which can galvanize one into action but can also throw one off balance. 

Convincing Others

It is amazing how arguments that seem as irrefutable as slam dunks in your head can wither before a  skeptical audience. Which makes me even more skeptical of logic, which relies on a scaffolding of beliefs to prove a point. I stumbled into a long argument with my parents which swiftly reached a topic that we don't see eye to eye, haven't seen eye to eye on for years and which I don't see the point of debating. My simple point was that the choice to have kids is an emotional choice rather than a pragmatic or logical choice and definitely not a biological imperative. And, I said when middle-class people have children they unintentionally perpetuate inequality in society by passing on their privileges to their children. Child-bearing perpetuates gate-keeping and impedes social mobility. I don't why I though that was an uncontroversial argument and my parents thought it was controversial as hell. Whenever an argument collides with one's world view or one's beliefs about themselves, one rejects it. Especially, if the point being made is unflattering to oneself such as about one's complicity in exploitative structures. For instance, I would reject that people who don't have kids are likely to be more self-centered than people who do. It clashes fundamentally about my believes about myself. My beliefs may change but not because someone hits me with a really convincing argument. The process of belief change is a slow grinding and often traumatic process predicated on an openness to challenge one's beliefs. 

Airport Blog

I am sitting in the departure lounge at Heathrow, waiting for my  flight to Mumbai via  Dubai. Dubai airport is apparently consumerist heaven, so I expect to be shocked by excess and crass consumerism. But, hopefully they will have more toilets per passenger than Baharain's airport, which was my stopover on the previous trip to India.
Last trip was a chance to celebrate all the progress I had made since returning to my research in England. Also, I was returning home after a year, which added to the  sweetness. This time, my homecoming is less sentimental as I am returning after just five months. I am also in the final year of my PhD so I have to get on with it. I am less prepared for my research than I had hoped I would be. I haven't got any meetings set up, for instance, so its going to be like the previous trip when I land on the ground and get a feel of the place and then decide what to do. I remember being frustrated for most of Round 1, as I will refer to my previous trip hereon. It was only in the last few weeks of Round 1 that I felt I had achieved something. This time I need to write as well as prepared for my interviews, so I will  have to operate with a much higher level of intensity.
On the personal front, there is also some uncertainty. I have decided to move to a new place shortly after I return to England. I don't know whom I will be moving with and I have decided not to speculate. Almost all my colleagues seem to live similar transient lives with no permanent abode. I want to move out of this circuit of people with temporary jobs or short-term assignments who ar here today and gone in a few weeks. I have seen enough of that in my AirBnB and its amazing that I have lasted there as long as I did.
This has turned into a lament about my less-than-perfect life instead of a reflection on the state of being between two places, which is what an airport lounge represents to me. But, it is what it is. 

Pretty Women

It is interesting to observe how  men change their behaviour in the presence of pretty women. The primary aspects of their personalities go on to overdrive. Men who fancy themselves as jesters try to be funnier, awkward men retreat further into themselves, and smooth talkers become smoother. Often, it ignites the competitive streak in men. It is a little disconcerting that women are still primarily judged on the basis of their  physical apperance, rather than sense of humour or other aspects of their personalities. But it is what it is. One--and I mean both men and women--can't control whether the world finds them hot or  not. But, one can work on one's confidence. "You may not find me attractive,  you might not give me a second glance, but I am still going to walk with my head held high".