Being Overly Critical

Being of a critical bent of mind is unambiguously a good thing, as long as you can be equally critical of your own work, and accept others' criticism of your work with good grace. Years of working as a journalist has sharpened my bull-shit meter, and I'm instinctively skeptical of new claims and ideas. Yes, picking holes in an idea or an argument is easy, coming up with new ideas or arguments much less so. That said, coming up with new ideas is a long process of picking and patching holes, until the end product has more flesh than holes. It is often the manner rather than content of criticism that causes it not to go down well. Today, I was guilty of picking holes in a new friend's ideas, and he was none too pleased about it. I thought I had gotten better at tempering my criticism, but it turns out I still slip up. To remind myself of what it feels like to be criticised, I want back to my last experience of criticism that felt like a sock on the jaw(chronicled here and here). Reading the blogs was a humbling experience. 

On Boundaries

Someone I follow on Instagram wrote a few weeks ago; "So much of the suffering I see in my friends and clients comes from not asserting their needs and boundaries strongly enough. So much of my own suffering has come from asserting my needs and boundaries too strongly. Finding the sweet spot is the key". Yes, the elusive sweet spot. It has become fashionable to talk about how one must assert their boundaries. Much less about how boundaries asserted too strongly can hurt relationships. And, also that boundaries are not set in stone, and one must be open to having them shift. At least the faint boundaries, not the well-defined ones. I was in a situation where I discovered I had boundaries after they were crossed. I committed to something that I didn't feel comfortable committing to, and I didn't want to row back on my commitment for fear of not just appearing trustworthy but feeling trustworthy. Some would say that's the classic guilt response of someone who is conflict-averse and not used to asserting their boundaries. But, here is the thing. Sometimes, we have boundaries that we wouldn't want to encounter in the people we interact with. I clearly felt so, in this instance. If I was in the same situation as the person who stepped over my boundaries, I wouldn't want the opposite person to feel the way I do. Are our boundaries sacrosanct? Sometimes the answer to the question of "Why is this bothering me so much?" is not validate the feeling as legitimate, but to make a conscious decision not to let it bother you so much.

Too Personal

 I was a very unprolific blogger in 2022, because I suddenly realised that my blog had become too much like a personal diary. I was embarrassed and it took me a while to get back to blogging even semi-regularly. Even now, I am not as prolific as I was pre-2022. I have previously compared my barely-read blog to singing in an open field with no one around vs singing in your head, which is akin to a personal diary. But, today's post is about whether or how much a blog like mine should be personal. It is a fact that over time, I feel more comfortable sharing more details about my life on this blog. But, the question is, as a blogger, do you owe anything to your readers, however few there may be? Shouldn't people who write on life (for lack of a more precise term of description) be open to baring at least a bit of their soul to their readers? Writers of fiction have the imagination and creativity to build characters and storylines that draw on their own lives, but go far beyond mere autobiography. What about those of us not similarly blessed? Do we owe it to our readers to be new or original? We may have depersonalised pearls of pure wisdom to drop from time to time, but few people are that wise. Don't we need to draw on our personal lives to keep our writing interesting, if not for anyone else than for ourselves when we go back and read our writing? Again, I don't mean simply using a blog as a confessional. I mean using personal experience as a starting point to at least try to say something profound. 

Healthy Giving

 Some of us are more generous with our time, money and effort than others. But, there is no such thing as unconditional giving, except maybe between blood relations. Even if the recipients of our generosity do not have the means to reciprocate, most of us expect at least a minimum level of gratitude, or at least acknowledgement. It is easy to swing between feeling overly generous and resentful if we feel our generosity is not acknowledged. Or, hold the recipient of our over-generosity to unrealistic standards of behaviour, not just in terms of showing gratitude but also more mundane stuff, like their opinions, for instance. But, the point is that feelings of generosity towards someone can wax and wane, just as feelings of annoyance or guilt or any other feeling, for that matter. We may promise someone something at the peak of our generosity cycle, and then regret it when we are in the trough. I am realising that it is better not to be impulsive with offers of help when someone is talking about their problems. Best to hear them out, think and then offer to help. Or not. Someone telling you about their problems is not always a plea for help. It is sometimes just a plea for commiseration. And, even if it is a plea for help, you don't have to answer every plea. 

Hypothesis Testing

I got back from the conference in Leeds this afternoon. The purpose of this trip was to test out a hypothesis, and that purpose was achieved. I am not comfortable blogging about the hypothesis yet, but in the coming days, weeks and months it will sneak into my blog. My previous blog was about asking others, but this trip was about asking questions of myself. I still hold that a negative response is better than no response, because a deferred response is seldom a positive one. It is mostly negative responses that are deferred. This trip mainly confirmed what I knew in my heart, but it was necessary. 

Living In Times of Epochal Change

 I don't do book reviews, because even if I had the talent, it would need a lot of honing before I could write reviews of an acceptable standard. But, this is more of a book rave than a review. Unsheltered by Barbara Kingsolver is based around an derelict house in New Jersey and the narrative alternates between the earliest and the present-day inhabitants. It deals with the two issues that touch the lives of most young people living in the West: the climate crisis and the housing crisis. It is also offers some advice for living in times of epochal change, when as, Gramsci said "the old world is dying and the new world is struggling to be born. yes, now is the time of monsters". Many young people feel like a successful and fulfilling life as defined by the old rules is both unachievable and undesirable. Having a house by age 30 is neigh impossible without parental help, dating apps make the search for a partner a fraught exercise, bringing kids into this world riven by  climate change and a right-wing resurgence feels scary, and material success simply means a larger carbon footprint and the guilt associated with it. To put it shortly, the fear of the being unhoused or badly housed and climate change are the two things that are mostly likely keeping young, left-leaning people up at night. The first plotline is set in the late 19th century when Darwin's theory of evolution was threatening to upend centuries of received dogma about the origins of humans. It was a scary and exhilarating time for Darwin's disciples and some of them had to pay for their beliefs with their jobs. Our own times seem more scary and less exhilarating but the common theme is we too are living in times of epochal change. The advice: don't be afraid to throw away the old rules even if most people around you seem to be unfazed by the state of the world and continue to play according to the old rule book. Reset you expectations of having a home that is your castle and rethink what it means to be sheltered. I will leave you with one exchange between the two main characters: Without a roof over your head, it kind of feels like you might die." "Yeah, but you might not. For sure you wont' find your way out of the mess if you keep picking up the bricks and stuffing them in your pockets. What you have to do is to look for the blue sky." 

 

Ask, and You Shall Receive

 I never thought I would quote someone from Instagram, but here goes: "Ask, and you shall receive. At the very least, you shall receive an answer (no response is sometimes an answer too). If you never ask, you shall never know. A missed opportunity tight there. If there is something on your mind, if you have a lingering question or request, if you would like for support - GO FOR IT." Nothing very profound here, but it was delivered by an inspirational person: an Arab woman who took up mountaineering just a few years ago and has already climbed Everest and K2, and lost her father a few years ago. The quote struck a cord with me, and I found myself mouthing it when I was trying to decide to ask for something. There are many reasons one may not want to ask for what one wants or needs--embarrassment, pride, fear of rejection, loss of privacy, ridicule. I don't want to dismiss any of these reasons as irrational. Asking for something is an admission of need or vulnerability, which we may not be comfortable making to everyone or anyone. And, the situation, the timing and the manner of asking are all important. As is the ability to cope with an unfavourable response with grace and good cheer. But, on balance, I would say, asking, rather than keeping mum is the better strategy. Being able to communicate your needs makes it easier to admit that you need something in the first place. And, asking for something puts the onus on the universe for whatever happens next. At least, you don't keep kicking yourself for not asking until its too late. And, this piece of advice has served me well on the past few occasions. I have had a few favourable responses, some neutral, some unfavourable, but not a single time have I regretted asking.

Trail Running

Last evening, I went for my second-ever group trail run, and it was tough going.  It was a pretty hot day, and I had also not fully recovered from my trail run on Saturday morning. I knew I was running after a two-week break so if I pushed myself, I would bear the consequences. And, I did. 12 kms with a sizeable ascent was not a good idea, and I can't remember the last time I felt so pooped. I was lucky I didn't have other plans for the weekend, because I may have had to drop them. For a long time now, I have known that I am someone who tends to push themselves too much physically and that I need to do a better job of listening to my body. I have struggled with a unstable shoulder for years now, not least because I push myself too much, which puts me back to square one, which frustrates me further, and the cycle continues. Now, I have resumed a routine that I found helpful in the past, up to the point where I overdid it. Now, I'm taking my time with the routine and enjoying it more. And, enjoyment is the point of it. I took up trail-running because I did some fabulous trail runs on a recent holiday. Think running through forests, green meadows and mist-soaked hills with no soul in sight and the wind in my face. Enough physical exertion to get the dopamines going, but not so much that I couldn't enjoy my surroundings. The past few trail runs in Bristol have not been enjoyable because I have approached them as tasks to be conquered. It doesn't help that having Strava on your phone pushes you to go faster. So, I guess I need to pace myself, both during runs and in choosing runs. My next run is going to be a pretty short run, I reckon. 

Listening To Your Own Advice

 I have written before about how giving advice mostly entails telling people what they already know, but that, in itself, doesn't make it pointless. (Unsolicited advice is a whole another ballgame though, and not what I am going to talk about today). Sometimes people know the right course of action or inaction, but they need to hear it from someone they trust. But, today's post is about listening to your own advice. A friend who is going through a rough path messaged me the other day,. They feel like they have lost their zest for life and their motivation  to do well in their job, which requires a lot of creativity. My advice to them was that they are smart, capable, and these are exceptional circumstances that won't last. Basically, to give themselves some time to come back to their default state (yes, default states can change, but that's a topic for another day). And, as I was recording the message I realised that  a lot of what I was saying to them applied to me. I am also struggling to find the passion in my work and have been feeling adrift and diffident since my PhD even though I know that I am intelligent. Maybe, I just need to give myself some time, either to regain the passion in my work or to figure out if I want to anything else. 

Another BFF Date

  I have written previously about my first Bumble BFF date and how the platonic chemistry was lacking. Today, I had my second BFF date, which went much better even if there were no sparks either. I don't want to turn this into a blog post about how friendships are formed. But, I couldn't help but notice that the first one was with a British guy. I haven't written about this before, and my views are not fully formed on this topic, but I find it difficult to make friends with British people. They can be pleasant enough, but then you often hit a wall made up of that famous British reserve. There are lots of things I appreciate about life In Britain, particularly that it is an introvert-friendly society. There is no expectation to strike up random conversations with strangers. But, the British reserve has its downsides too. Making friendships entails stepping into other people's space and taking the chance that they might resent the intrusion.