Sleepless September

Except for that dark period in my life, I have never slept so badly as I did in September. In the first week of the month, I was told I had been shortlisted for an interview at Bristol Uni, and since then, my stress levels have been sky high. I have never felt so incapable of handling stress as I have in the past few months, and this months was the pits. I remember how just last month or so I had observed that I hadn't suffered from poor sleep since the early days of the pandemic. I spoke to soon. At Bristol uni, I feel out of depth in a pool I don't want to be in. I feel both averse to and inferior to the mainstream economists that populate the economics department there. I also feel like an impostor for telling them I can teach whatever they want me to, and allowing them to assume that I am a fellow mainstream economist. I feel both incapable of and unwilling to teach mainstream economics. Apart from the job stress, the flimsiest of reasons have kept me up at night--irritation with my housemates, a tiff with my friend, anxiety about a trivial issue with my interview video. Earlier in the month, I found myself waking up very early, but in the past week or so, I have also had trouble falling asleep. Trouble falling asleep and waking up early is a nasty combo, and its taken all I have to stop myself panicking about my lack of sleep. The only time I have felt stressfree in the past few weeks is while teaching students. It picked me up on Monday, before the stress of teaching on another module levelled me again. But, today, was not even a teaching session. It was just us talking about one of their assignments. But, it picked me up all the same. I have been warned about how students at this uni tend to be cocky and entitled. Its still early days, and my students may yet turn out to be like that. But, I feel a kindness and compassion for them that I didn't think I was capable of feeling, especially during the pandemic. That might change in the coming weeks or months or maybe I am discovering a new side to myself. 

Mad Day

How do I describe today? It started with an email telling me I was being thrown into another module and  could I please jump asap? And, every possible logistical problem manifested itself. I was prepared for not having access to email or Blackboard. What I was not prepared for was me and my students not being able to enter the building where our seminar was scheduled. Bristol University reminds me of India, where nothing happens the way  it is supposed to. But, I managed and the students seemed fairly happy. I could have done a better job, but my priority was to get through today without incident, which I  achieved comfortably. After one week of anxiety over Covid and teaching, the day passed off peaceably, except that I was plunged into another challenge before it ended. And, this is a challenge I am finding  a bit overwhelming. But, I  will write about it in the coming days, I am too tired right now. 

First Day of Teaching Tomorrow

 If there is one thing I  have learned about anxiety over the past five years is its ebbs and flows are not easy  to predict. I ma currently in a low anxiety phase, and in fact today my anxiety levels have been lower than yesterday. There is  plenty to be nervous about. Even in normal times, I would be nervous about my  first day of teaching at a uni with a reputation for being posh. What if the posh brats take the piss out of me? (I just listened to 'I have confidence' from the Sound off Music and felt better :-)). This would be my chief fear in normal times. Now, I also have to contend with the fear of having caught Covid from Betty, and having to teach without any IT support. To  kids traumatized by 18 months of home schooling during Covid. To be honest, all the other fears have taken the edge off the chief fear. I will heave a sight of relief when I wake up without a cold or cough tomorrow and everything else will be a bonus. Yes, the past few weeks have been nerve-wracking. But, tomorrow is a fresh start, a new beginning. I am not going to carry the baggage from the last few weeks into tomorrow. Yes, my anxiety  levels over the past few weeks have surprised me, but I was doing the best I can in challenging  circumstances. And, I am still here, I haven't thrown in the towel. Anxiety will come and go as it pleases, fate may trip me up, but that's not within my control and neither is it my fault. 

First Day On The Job

What do I say about my first day being back in regular employment? The place is more of a mess than I thought. The anger that was bubbling inside of me for the past two days melted away because I realised they were not be especially inconsiderate towards me. It was just a small part of a much bigger mess. Everyone seemed like they were tottering on the edge on a burnout two days before the start of the teaching semester. My not having access to the teaching platform seemed  like a trivial mishap in a much grander scheme of chaos. To add to my misfortune, Betty's test came back negative but she is sick, so chances are she has caught Covid for the second time. I had to cancel my trip to Leicester. But, I am feeling strangely at peace with  this turn of events. Neither was unexpected but more importantly, neither was in my control. There is only so much that you can curse fate before accepting it. I am going to do what I can in an imperfect situation, and my best will sadly be far from perfect. Perfection is a unrealistic goal in times such as these.  

Needless Anxiety

A lot of my anxiety over the past few months has been caused by others being inconsiderate. Not responding to messages, not even acknowledging messages, etc. etc. As someone who is always prompt in replying to messages, I have long realized that most people are not wired that way. But, surely, that cannot be a blanket excuse for inconsiderate behaviour? I wish I was able to say "If you don't care, I don't care" instead of working myself up into a ball of stress over things that are not in my hands. I realise that everyone has been through hell these past few months. No one has any surplus compassion--compassion fatigue is a thing. But I am not even looking for compassion, just a minimum level of professionalism. I suppose even that is too much to expect. Why are people such mugs?

Into The Deep End

 So, it turns out I will be teaching a class on Monday and Betty is sniffing. Betty still hasn't got her test result back. If it comes out positive, I don't know what to do? Life just feels like an endless exercise in crisis control. No sooner does one stressful situation pass than another begins. Is this what it felt like to live through a long war? Post-trauma and ongoing trauma coagulating into one/ The sense that life is a succession of bin fires. Feeling numb and vulnerable at the same time? Feeling like crying often but you cannot seem to summon tears? 

Waiting for my Housemate's Covid Test

 The teaching semester has not even started and I am already waiting for my housemate's Covid test results. As the effect of schools and unis reopening and the summer festivals kick in, Covid is going to spread far and fast. I better get used to news like this because it is going to come thick and fast. There is no point in fretting because there is too much to fret about. Its tough not knowing what tomorrow will bring, but such is life at the moment. Yesterday, when Betty told us, I debated whether to tell the people around me at uni or not. Telling others is an act of honesty but it is also a way to alleviate your own nervousness by making others more nervous. Putting the onus on them and indemnifying yourself from guilt or responsibility. "I told you, and would have stayed away if you asked me to. If anything happens to you, that's not on me now". It is giving the opposite person a difficult choice. To be an asshole by telling you stay away or worry about getting infected by you. 

Not ideal, but what's the alternative? You gamble that the test is negative and then deal with the fallout if it turns positive? I did that in December and got burnt, so I am not doing it again. So, I am going to go by the book and not worry about the consequences. If I have to miss classes because I have to self-isolate, that's not my fault. Chances are I will have to either miss classes or substitute for other people. Neither is a savory outcome but that can't be helped. what will be, will be. 

Slamming A Book Shut

 My day began with a mail from Betty saying one of co-workers had tested positive for Covid. To think that just yesterday, I had written about how there were so many things that could go wrong over the next few months that it was impossible to contemplate all the possibilities. My heart started to pound as soon as I saw the email, and my brain swung into overdrive to plan my next course of action. Thankfully,  I managed to calm down and think rationally. I didn't do a lateral flow test immediately or at uni. However, me nerves still felt a little jangled. So, when I got my Confirmation of Sponsorship form that allows me to apply for a visa, I decided to apply to today itself. I knew I wouldn't be at peace if I left it to the next morning. Neither would I get any PHD writing done, not would I have the relief of having completed the form. The application took a few hours and a lot of hair pulling, and blew a huge hole in my bank account. I pored over it multiple times like someone with hypochondria. And, I realised that if I let it, I would spend a lot of time over the next few days poring over the completed form, looking for mistakes. So, if yesterday's image was possibilities of paper in the air with tags dangling from them, today's is slamming a large book shut. The application is done and dusted and its time to move on. The visa fees will singe for a while, but there is nothing I can do about it. 

All That Could Go Wrong In The Next Few Months

 What does one do when the list of possible disasters is endless? Not thinking about possible disasters is easier said than done. Overthinkers will contemplate every possibility. My strategy is to note them, tag them and move on. Tagging is a way of  acknowledging the possibility and consciously moving on, rather than actively trying to avoid thinking of possibilities.  I have started to imagine those possibilities as notes suspended in the sky, with tags dangling from them. Maybe if that possibility materializes, at least you will have  the satisfaction of  having anticipated it, if nothing else. There are some things you can anticipate but not  prepare for and its important to acknowledge that. The basic point is you can't stop stuff from popping into your head, but you can stop fuelling it. Stop thinking of the possibilities of the possibilities. 

Compartmentalizing

 The next few weeks and months are going to test my powers to compartmentalize. I am going to have to divide my attention between proving myself in a new job and finishing my PhD. Not stress about my job when I am working on my PhD, and vice versa. And, at the same time, make sure my housemates don't drive me crazy. And, try not to catch Covid. Phew! I am taking heart from the fact that my PhD progress picked up pace when I taught last semester. But, as a friend pointed out, I didn't have a full teaching load at that point and neither was I so eager to prove myself. Suffice to say that in the next few months, I am going to have to call upon all my reserves of fortitude. I will have to be kind to myself, to be on the lookout for signs of burnout, because if I don't I am certain to burnout. But, the good thing is I have gotten better at observing myself, and taking a step back when it feels like I am running on fumes. 

Contract Signed and Sent Off

 I had started to worry a bit since I hadn't heard from Bristol Uni in more than a day. That's a long time since they want me to start next Friday. But, things moved quickly today.  I got an email from HR around mid-day asking for my visa details, and then the contract around 4:00 pm. I sent it off before leaving work today. The doomsday scenario of the uni withdrawing their offer due to visa complications melted away. Now, I can focus on the new job and finishing my PhD. The PhD should fall into place now, I just want it to too badly. I am going to do as much as I can in the next seven days, but also try not to kill myself? What will be, will be. 

Trip Home

 I have decided that I am going to do my damndest to make a trip home in December. There are amny things beyond my control---travel restrictions, my own health if I catch Covid, etc., my new job. etc. But, among the things that are in my control, my PhD is the top of my list. I will not have the time and energy to mount a breakneck effort to finish. So, I will have to play the long game. Pace myself, but keep moving. There is a good PhD in there, I just have to find it and not lose my mind while I do so. I have decided to adopt the Pomodero technique for the time being--put in four solid hours every working day until I start my new job. Yes, there will be other stresses--visa, PhD extension, new job. But, I just have to put the blinders on and keep trotting. Keep trotting until my destination looms into view. There will be moments of frustration and anger every day. But, I will have to calm myself down and carry on. And, if some reason, I don't make it home this December, at least I can tell myself that I did my best. Do your best and leave the rest to fate. I managed to put in a solid four hours of work today, so I am feeling quite proud of myself. 

Job Offer

The wait is over and the news is good! It wasn't the job I had applied for, it is a rung lower, but in the times of Covid losing a rung is better than losing a run (Sorry, for the bad joke). Yes, life will not get less  complicated any time soon. There is the visa to worry about, and my PhD extension to worry about, not to mention the job itself. But, I am feeling  surprisingly calm about it. They are definitely not going to kick me out of the PhD program and they are not going to rescind the job offer due to visa complications. The road might not be smooth but the destination is in sight. And, more importantly, I am secure in the knowledge that I have done my best. If fate is not with me,  there is nothing I can do about it. I have already started the celebrations because I realise there is no point in waiting. When one complication melts away, another will follow. We must squeeze joy out of life, it won't come us on a platter. 

Peace At Home

So, the chill on the home front thawed today, no thanks to me. The overtures came from the Irish guy, whom I had given a ticking off yesterday. I even thought about apologizing to him for being too harsh yesterday, but realised it was only a matter of time before he annoys me again. Enjoy the thaw while it lasts but cold winds will blow again. When you are laying down boundaries, the posts must be driven hard into the ground. If you pull them out a bit because you think you've driven them in too far, you have only yourself to blame when the boundary is breached again. I avoid conflict, so the moment the person who has wronged me shows even a flicker of contrition, I melt. If you feel you've been wronged, you should stand by it even if an apology comes your way. Accept the apology or contrition by all means, but don't cave in completely from your original stance. 

Dish Drying Rack

Apparently, I am to have no respite from my annoying housemates. Tomorrow, I am supposed to mount a final assault on the conceptual chapter of my PhD, and here i am smouldering because of the twerps I live with. Yesterday, I was pissed because one of them polished off my baked beans without asking me. a few days ago, bonking Betty was leaving her hair clogging the bath drain. Today, the dish drying rack has disappeared from the kitchen. Just disappeared. I realise my nerves are in a state where a twinge feels like an explosion. But, can I just get a few days of peace? Is that too much to ask for? I know I shouldn't be getting worked up about these things. So, I used my powers of deduction and figured out that the Irish guy must have tried cleaning it, brunt it with acid and dumped it in the trash. So, I went down to the garbage bin and sure enough, there it was. 

But, I also noticed that the garbage bin was full, which is going to cause me stress one week from now. God, how long will this go on?

Interview Debrief

 i think the interview went well, although its difficult to tell with these things because you can never know how your answers went down with  the panel. Maybe you dropped some dealbreakers without realising. But, I am really proud of I have handled myself over the past one week, and I am writing this down today because I may forget, especially if I don't get the job. I have been a real trooper. My anxiety went through the roof during the past week, but I didn't buckle, I hung in there. The anxiety was accompanied by puzzlement about the cause of it. Was I anxious because I wanted the job really badly,  or was I anxious  because I didn't want the job and was subconsciously sabotaging myself. Plus the quarrel with my friends. But, I hung in there, and managed to put up a satisfactory performance at the interview. 

Interview Tomorrow

 The 24 hours till 4:30 pm today were harrowing. Writing about instant regret in yesterday's post did nothing to make it go away. I woke up at 4 am today, having made up my mind that I would go to uni at dawn today and record another video. Thankfully, better sense prevailed and I did not bow to my anxiety. I realised that recalling the video would only have been justified if there was a howler. Since that was not the case, it was best to just let it be. But, even after the video deadline passed, my anxiety did not lift. I was afraid the aftershocks of the anxiety blitz due to the video would hurt my interview prep. It was only after a mock interview with a friend in the late afternoon, which went well, did my anxiety finally ease. The stakes are high, this is my best shot at landing a job and nerves are part of the game. Job interviews are stressful by definition and are not meant to be enjoyed. They are meant to be endured. No wonder it didn't raise any eyebrows when I told some people how I was more nervous than normal. Nerves are bound to be there and it no use fighting them. Earlier in the day, I told some friends that I didn't know whether I was nervous because I want this job really badly or subconsciously don't want this job at all. Now is not the time to fathom my inner life. Now is not the time to make reply, now's not the time to reason why. 

Instant Regret

 Having to record a teaching sample video for a job interview is a nerve-wrecking experience. I spent almost three days to prepare it, suffering frequent bouts of mental exhaustion. I decided to record the final video this morning, when I was fresh. Then I started obsessing over every detail. Should I reword this bit, should I highlight this term on this slide? I toyed with changing something, but then that would mean recording the whole video from scratch again and I couldn't bring myself to do it. But, the moment I sent off the final video I was hit with a wave of regret. What if that minor error, which is not even strictly an error, wrecks my chances? I had a peaceful start to the day, and was wondering when the cycle would turn and I would be wracked with anxiety. I had no hopes that the tranquillity would continue right up to and and past the interview. The question is what is to be done? The video has been sent. I will have to recall the video with apologies and send a new one. Neither prospect is appealing at all. And, should I really be feeding my anxiety? What is the worst that could happen if I don't do anything? They will point out their problems with the offending part, and I will accept my error and move on. 

The Sweet Spot Between Satisfaction and Fatigue

 I am have to submit a teaching sample video before my interview on Friday, and I spent most of today working and reworking it. I am more or less than done now, and will send it off once I have a copy that is glitch-free for the most part and within the time limit. I am not completely satisfied with it but I don't think I will ever be. But, I know that I am growing sick of it, and I really can't bring myself to do any more major changes. Which is why I am not taking the opinion of anyone else on it. I am not aiming for 100% satisfaction. I am aiming for the right mix of being satisfied and fed up with it. Maybe that is also how I will know when my PhD is done. When I am satisfied enough but also fed up of it. Being only fed up with it is not enough. Some amount of satisfaction is also necessary. 

Unburdened

 I woke up this morning feeling the burden of the world on my shoulders. I had managed to quarrel with all my friends in Bristol bar one within the space of one hour. Nerves about my upcoming job interview may have contributed but I was and in no mood to dissect what happened. I tried to drown myself in interview prep but still felt the occasional wave of exhaustion wash over me. I know by now it is mental exhaustion, not physical exhaustion. But things got better as the day progressed. It was a sunny day, so I went for a long walk and sat below a tree. One of the friends whom I had quarrelled with reached out to me. I was surprised, because I am usually the one to mend fences. This time I was determined not to. But we had lunch together, and I felt a silly because it turned out that the massive falling out we had had was mostly in my head. He didn't even seem that angry about yesterday. My mood lifted even more after that, I and I sent a message to the other friends I had quarrelled with, apologizing for being in such a foul mood yesterday. Suffice to say, I am ending the day on a much better note than I started it. And, I realised that sometimes things are broken only in our heads. 

Bike-Ride Respite

So, it turns out I was mentally, not physically exhausted. I was toying with the idea of whether to go for a run and do some work or whether to go for a bike ride today. I decided on the latter and I am so glad I did. It was a solo bike ride, so I could leave right after breakfast and planned to return in time for a late lunch. and, it worked like a charm. I began to feel relaxed as soon as I left the city and noticed myself humming old Bollywood songs. There were few people on the path in the morning, and I truly had a good time. Maybe I need to plan solo bike rides more, rather than go solo if I don't find anyone to go with me. This summer was very grey so we didn't have that many sunny days, but if we are lucky we might have a few more weeks of warm weather. I also decided to take it easy with the interview prep over the weekend. If my mind drifts there, I won't and can't stop it, but I am not going to write a script or intentionally work on it. There isn't that much to do really, and I don't want to amp up my energy to soon and flame out before the interview. My goal is to relax as much as I can over the weekend.

Mini Burn-Out

 Today, I felt waves of exhaustion sweep over me from time to time. I can't tell if its mental exhaustion or physical exhaustion but I am feeling completely unmotivated to prepare for my job interview. And, i am trying not to freak out about my lack of motivation. I had worked myself into a frenzy trying to nail the conceptual chapters this week. I was not expecting to hear back from Bristol Uni so soon. And, suddenly, I have shift gears and work myself up into a frenzy about something completely different? No wonder I am struggling. I feel similar to how I felt two weeks ago at the end of the week when my haemorrhoids flared up and laptop conked out. The good thing is I recognized the signs and took a few steps back. Not enough steps back, but at least I didn't crash and managed to recover more or less by the following week. These are extraordinary times and require extraordinary levels of self-care. It is futile to berate myself over how badly I am coping, because the normal standards don't apply. The normal standard should go out the window. I have decided to go for a long solitary bike ride tomorrow if I feel like it. And there is a barbecue with friends on Sunday. I had toyed with the idea of postponing till after the interview but realised that I need a break. I can't spend the weekend AND the following week stressing over my interview. Maybe I should be preparing for my interview but should is a word one must use very careful in normal times, not to mention times like these. So, I ma going to try to take it as easy as I can over this weekend and see how that goes. 

Short-listed At Bristol Uni

 This afternoon, I got an email saying I've been short-listed for an interview at Bristol Uni. I was not expecting to hear from them till late next week, so I was quite surprised. My aim of completing my conceptual chapters before I heard back from them went straight out the window. And, it turns out they want someone quickly so if I get the job, I might have to go part-time with my PhD. Yes, I shouldn't be jumping the gun, but an overthinker like me can't help thinking ahead and considering all possible outcomes and effects of said outcomes. This is not the year to cling to expectations or to think too far ahead. Here today, down with Covid tomorrow. 

You Will Screw Up

 I am feeling less bad about my penny-wisery-pound-foolery over the weekend. Screwing up is a part of life and how long can one feel morose over such a small screw-up? Yes, I have duly noted my tendency for PWPF, and will be more careful in the future. I will screw up again and again and many of the screw-ups will be much bigger than this one. It is useful to be able to dismiss screw-ups that are not intentional. Sometimes we do destructive things with full knowledge of what we are doing and its possible consequences. The best we can aim for is to prevent these acts of self-sabotage. I heard this in a YWA video and I was thinking about it today. Why we do stuff that we know will be harmful in the future and not even pleasant while we are doing it? I don't want to trivialize self-harm, but does the tendecy for minor self-damage and self-harm come from the same place?