Lockdown No. 2

 I woke up to news that the government will announce a second national one-month lockdown to start next week. Unlike the first lockdown, schools are universities will remain open, though I doubt for very long. I give it two weeks. Life doesn't rally change for me. In fact, it might change for the better if my annoying housemate spends the lockdown with her parents. I have decided to continue working from university until they close down the campus. The decision to keep universities open is a terrible one, and I sympathize with colleagues being forced to teach face to face. But, if the university campus is going to remain open, I am going to keep going without feeling guilty about it. Working out of university involves minimal Covid risk, is good for my mental health as well as my productivity, so why stop? I have been girding myself for a tough winter for months, and I am not going to make it tougher on myself with needless guilt. 

Maxims for Winter

In the past few months, I have increased my reliance on maxims, so much so that I have them written on posit-it notes in fromnt of my desk at home and at work. What should my maxim be for getting through this winter, especially as I don't just want to survive, I want to thrive. Not only do I want to stay Covid-free, I want to finish my PhD and get a job. So, the universally applicable "this too shall pass" is not good enough. Other contenders? I am leaning towards something super simple like "breathe", which I have in front of my desk at work, but not at home. I have written before about how the breath transcends the physical, the mental and emotional spheres. When you focus on your breath, the world outside your body ceases to exist, if only for a few seconds. your body becomes your world. It is like a simultaneous physical, mental and emotional reset. I often feel a wave of calm wash over my body. The only comparable feeling in physical terms is when I experience sexual release. 

So, yes, I am going to go with "Breathe!". I don't need anything that makes me think because chances are my mind will be over-stimulated as it is. I definitely do not need something new-agey like "Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling".

Harmonious Action in Tough Times

 This has been a tough week. As the second wave of Covid envelopes us, my anxiety level has been rising, and the non-Covid news has also been relentlessly. And, just to add to the general air of frustration and helplessness, my shoulder shows no signs of improving. Today, when I saw that Labour suspended Jeremy Corbyn, I had just returned from a walk in the rain to clear. I groaned, as the news sent me into paroxysms of rage. At the current rate of bad news, I would have to walk all day to clear my head. I managed to complete my job application, but apart from that the day was a disaster. And, to top it all, I had possibly the lousiest session of online yoga ever. In a typical session, there are usually one or maximum two exercises that don't suit your body. This particular routine was filled with them. Instead of leaving the yoga mat feeling more clam and collected, I was quivering with frustration. 

As Adrienne says, "these things happen. they are beyond our control". Life asks us to spin many plates at the same time. The good ones distract us from the bad ones, but sometimes it happens that we are spinning mostly bad plates. Such moments are tough. All we can is do our best, ware that our best might not be enough to change outcomes. and, by best, I don't necessarily mean hard but harmonious. Harmonious with our world-which includes our mental, physical and emotional beings. With time, one gets better at listening to these different beings, and deciding the most harmonious course of action or inaction. one also becomes better at being peace with the world when it doesn't resond to our harmonious actions with the outcomes we desire. 

Mid-Day Walk

 I have started going on mid-day walks in the vicinity of the uni whenever the weather permits. I started going on walks to spend some time away from my desk and give some respite to my eyes and impinged shoulder. I noticed that I had too little progress to show for all the time I was spending at my desk at uni. So, I decided to consciously spend less time at my desk. I haven't noticed a jump in my productivity since, but at least it is better for my body. Spending time outdoors during autumn/winter is also good for my mood. I can't remember the last time I didn't leave the house at least once in 24 hours. Yesterday, I foudn a new route that took me into bonafide woods. This is England, so one is never too far away from habitation. But, I had earphones on, and a willingness to unsee the house roof tops that occasionally sawm into view, so I had a very nice walk. Its a pity that the route will be too muddy to frequent during autumn/winter. But, come spring, I can see myself going there quite often. 

Living under constant threat of a lockdown, I find myself grasping every opportunity to do something that would be prohibited under lockdown. Meeting friends, working from uni. Last week, I thought I would work from home on a particularly rainy day, thinking it would serve as an acclimatization exercise for the inevitable looming lockdown. But I just couldn't bear to sit at home and realised that it was a silly idea to practice for lockdown when we are not locked down. If and when we are locked down, I will be disappointed but I definitely will be able to cope like the last time. There is no point in practicing to cope in a situation where you have no choice but to cope. 

Thinking About Writing Acknowledgements Too Soon

Last night, I read a Facebook post by an acquaintance about writing the acknowledgements of her PhD thesis. It went through all the people she was grateful for, ending with her saying she had decided not to have an acknowledgements page. It was nice to see someone else who was not a fan of acknowledgments. I didn't have one for my Master' thesis, and was toying with the idea of not having one for my PhD. Friends have helped me as friends, and family had supported me as family does, and my supervisor is brilliant and kind-hearted, if a little difficult to get hold of. But mostly by good fortune, but also by my hard-work and self-belief, I hadn't need "saving". There is no one who has made an sized contribution to my PHD, a person whom I can say if not them, I wouldn't be writing these words, or some such. Until it struck me that I was speaking to soon because the acknowledgements section is the very last thing people write in their PhD thesis. I am still a couple of months from submission, and might yet need saving. I might still wrack up debts that I might feel need acknowledgement in writing. All I can say is where I am right now, I don't feel like having an acknowledgements section. But my feelings might change when I am at the end of my PhD journey.. There will be a time to discuss my thoughts and feelings about writing acknowledgments, whether it is Anglo-centric, etc. etc. But now is not the time for that. There is still a lot of work to be done.  

The Long Winter Begins

 The clocks went back last night, making today the first day of winter. I am aware I am treating the end of daylight savings time as a momentous event, but for many of us it the start of a long difficult winter. I don't really mind the shorter days, although I feel discombobulated for the frst week or two on GMT. I spent five of the seven months of GMT+1 at home. Most people are still working from home, so they hae been home since March. I have a lot to do over the next five months--finish my PhD, apply to jobs, while trying not to catch Covid and not to get buffeted by world events--the U.S. election, the prospect of no-deal Brexit, and the progress of the pandemic. And, of course, whatever fresh horror emerges from India. So, it is understandable that may people, myself included, are going into this winter with a sense of trepidation. Who knows what my world and the world will look like when the clocks go forward five months from now? All I can do is pray and hope for the best.

Last Day of Saving Daylight

 The clocks go back tonight, and it will be dark by 5:00 pm tomorrow evening. I have a ritual yoga practice to mark the occasion, so at least that is something to look forward to. Usually, I would be writing about how the days go from being too long in summer to being too long in winter in a flash, with the optimal duration of day and night lasting for approximately a month each in spring and autumn. But, the end of daylight savings time this year is naturally clouded by Covid. We entered lockdown a few days after daylight savings began and it seems like we will be reentering lockdown again in a few weeks. We have only been locked down when the day were long. I don't know which is worse---being locked down in summer, or winter. To be honest, England was never under a strict lockdown and people religiously followed the lenient lockdown for approximately a month. After that, adherence dropped steadily. This time around, all indications are the public will not follow the lockdown. it is going to be an uncertain five months. 

Elbow Update

A few days ago, I was feeling frustrated with the lack of progress on relieving my elbow pain. I had all but decided that I would ditch the osteopath if my elbow/shoulder didn't rapidly improve after this week's appointment. But, as today came closer my frustration ebbed, thanks mainly to my yoga practise. I managed to keep myself from rushing towards the doomsday scenario of neer being able to do upper-body exercises again and by the time today rolled up, I didn't have to worry about sounding excessively bitter at today's appointment. The osteopath said my range of motion had improved, and I should be patient. He asked me to continue the exercises and also taught me some new ones. I left the appointment feeling much more optimistic. 

There was one thing that perturbed. I noticed that I was sharing much more about my life than I ordinarily would. For instance, I told him that my PhD was gong much better now than a month ago, and my supervisor is hard to get hold of. Later, I was flabbergasted by myself. Why had I shared these details with a chatty stranger? Is it because I felt pushed to make small talk because of his chatty nature, and because I was bad at making small talk, I shifted to big talk? I am a private person, and sharing more than necessary makes me feel exposed. Another tendency is to turn small talk into an intellectual conversation. My osteopath remarked how economists never agreed with each other, and I said something about economists' prestige being undeserved after the Great Financial Crisis. 

I am never going to be great at small talk, but I can at least get better at not feeling like an idiot after a small-talk encounter by a) turning it into an inttelectual conversation when the opposite person hasn't shown they will be receptive to it b) divulging details about my life c) trying too hard to banter and ending up saying something stupid. 

Being Grateful Without Being Fearful

 Living through a pandemic has made me realize there are so many things I am grateful for--I have remained in good physical and mental health and so have family and close friends. I have enough to keep things to do to keep my mind occupied intellectually, and no money troubles. But, in moments of anxiety, that gratitude turns into fear. Fear that all I have to be grateful for could be lost in an instant. Is it possible to feel grateful without feeling fearful/ Gratitude grounds you, it makes you feel one with the world. It is humbling and empowering at the same time. Humbling because you realize if life feels good at a particular point in time, it is mainly because the world is being kind to you. Empowering because you realize you can also be kind to yourself and to the world, making yourself a part of someone else's good fortune. So, what about fear then? Does fear ground you too? Sometimes, it grinds you down, but often it is a motor for action. But, I am only human. I wish I felt more gratitude and less fear.

Turning 35

 I was just going through what I wrote on my birthday last year. I had predicted I would have submitted my PhD by my next birthday and possibly even have a job in academia. Oh boy, how wrong I was, and I say this without the least trace of disappointment or regret. It has been a tough eight for everyone and while I have been more fortunate than many people, I ahve also coped pretty well from my side. My PhD hasn't progressed anywhere near as fast that I had hoped it would, but I managed to keep it moving throughout and it seems my arguements are beginning to fall into place now. I am also trying for a lectureship in my department. All in all, there is lots to do in the next six months and not much I can complain about at the moment.

I didn't do anything special today, but I had an early birthday celebration with two friends a few days ago. So, when people asked me what I was doing for my birthday, I had a ready answer. I wonder what I would have answered. Maybe I would have fibbed that I planned to celebrate it jointly with a friend who has his birthday tomorrow. I would definitely not have felt sorry for myself if there had been no celebration at all, but I am not above lying to appear to fit into social norms. Maybe one day I will have the confidence or nonchalance to not feel pressured to lie. maybe the pandemic will make flouting norms feel more normal, ro at least give flouters more confidence. 

Forcing Myself to Have No Opinion

In the latest installment of the shitstorm that is 2020, a Muslim teenager beheaded a teacher in Paris for showing cartoons of Prophet Mohammed to his class ostensibly exercising his right to free speech. The news made rightwingers and Islamophobes salivate, momentarily taking their attention from Covid conspiracy theories. I forced myself to have not to think about it, which might seem ironic since I am writing about it. But, I am actively suppressing my tendency to form an opinion about the incident. After the Charlie Hebdo murders in 2015, I found myself in intense debates about the incident spanning Eurocentric liberalism, and the need to condemn the murders while also criticizing Charlie Hebdo's Islamophobia. This time I am simply not interested in taking a position, however nuanced. I am not interested in contemplating the possible repercussions of the incident on stoking Islamophobia, on white liberals, on anything. Will I able to extend this attitude of detachment to incidents closer to my adopted or original home and save myself from a lot of angst? I don't know, but I am certainly going to try. 

The Tearjerker

Today, I deployed the tearjerker after months. Over the past few days, I have been oscillating between joy and melancholy, but today I was feeling bluer than usual for no particular reason. I felt overwhelmed by the stress of the job application and the PhD, not to mention the second wave of the pandemic looming larger on the horizon with every passing day. My heart felt heavy with emotions, so I decided I needed a cleanse. I did the meditation session that usually makes me emotional, serving as a warm-up for the tera-jerker. But, the meditation session did nothing for me today, possibly because I didn't use earphones. 

However, the tearjerker worked like a charm. I was a little apprehensive because it had failed the last time I tried it a month or so ago. But today, the taps started flowing within the first few seconds of the first video. Crying can be very satisfying and cathartic, even if one has to pay mind to wooden walls and sob silently. I went through my routine, immediately feeling much lighter. It took me a while to realise that the physical act of crying could work as a therapy for me. The mind and body work together in ways that are hard to fathom, but one need not understand how works to use it. Else, we would never be able to use any machine or appliance. 

A Happy Evening In A Burning World

Another happy evening in a burning world. My supervisor returned a chapter with positive comments and a close friend made a plan to celebrate my birthday. I am not big on birthdays, but with the sword of a national lockdown perpetually hanging over us this autumn, any opportunity to socialize with loved ones is not to be missed. And, I built bridges with another friend whom I had minorly fallen out with. I was concerned about him, but turns out he is okay. In another age, I would have been miffed he had not taken the initiative to patch up because he was responsible for our kerfuffle, but not in this age. 

In a burning world, a happy evening is just that, a happy evening, but not something to thumb your nose at. When both near and distant future of the whole country(s) is so uncertain one can only live in the present and make what one can of it. Will that be one of the big learnings from the crisis? To occupy the present fully, and not allow it to be clouded by memories of the past or fear of the future? How to enjoy the anticipation of good things even if those things don't materialize, even when the fear of illness or death is ever-present.

Hip Trouble

"Out of the frying pain, into the fire" might be a bit of an exaggeration but I feel that way as the posture corrections that my osteopath suggested for my rotator cuff injury are causing pain in my hip. I have a wonky left hip which has given me trouble on and off for the past 10 years, So when the hip pain came on without any noticeable improvement in my shoulder, I felt dejected. Shoulder pain has been dogging me since the beginning of the lockdown, and the way things are going, it doesn't look like I am going to be able to go back to my regular exercise routine for months. As a friend says, "Hey Ho!". I am doing my best to get rid of the pain. I have been to an osteopath, and I am following his advice religiously. Like with most things in life, my shoulder will not recover as fast as I want to but faster than I fear. There will be days of frustration and further course correction might be necessary. But, that's not the end of the world. No point in going straight to doomsday scenarios on bad days. I just have to have faith in my boy, which will be easier to do on some days than on others. And, that is fine.

Subroto Roy Sahara

 Today, I finished watching a documentary series on Subroto Roy Sahara, who ran possibly the world's biggest Ponzi scheme for decades. The film was very mediocre and the extent of their research was interviewing journalists who had covered the case when it broke out a few years ago. but the film took me back six years, when I was working for The Wall Street Journal/Dow Jones Newswires. I was assigned the story and relieved of my regular beat because the WSj deputy bureau chief took a shine to me.

The story took me to many places I would never have visited otherwise. Lucknow, Gorakhpur, Dhubri, Silliguri, villages in Rae Bareilly, apart from New Delhi and Kolkata. In hindsight, it was fun but at the time I remember feeling like I was completely out of my depth. Subroto Roy was no garden-variety rogue. Rumour had it he was a benaami for some of India's biggest political leaders--he held and invested ill-gotten funds on their behalf. By then, it was obvious to me that I wasn't a newshound. My core competency in journalism was my writing skills and my intelligence. i had no talent for ferreting out news, especially in a place like India. where the standard of streetsmartness is very high. 

No one broke any big stories about Subroto Roy except for a exceptionally well-connected banking reporter whic had extensive contacts within the central bank. Among India's rogue billionaires, Soubroto Roy is the most enigmatic. No one has a convincing explanation for the source of his wealth. I just wish I had set my expectations lower and treated the assignment as a holiday. But, I was too conscientious. 

Nightmares vs Sleeplessness

Exactly six months ago, I wrote a post about how I was having trouble sleeping for the first time in years. That was a few weeks into lockdown, when death rates were soaring and the air was heavy with fear. I remember I was visited by bouts of sleeplessness that would last a few days every two-three weeks. As the pandemic eased and death rates fell my sleep improved, and I haven't had trouble sleeping for months now.

Last night, however, I could feel that my anxiety levels had perceptibly risen, along with the soaring infection rates as we gird for a second wave and possibly a second lockdown. To add to my stress, the next month or so is crucial for me as I am preparing a job application and trying to turbocharge my thesis writing. If Covid wants to strike at the worst possible moment, it would be now. So, I was prepared for the first of possibly many sleepless nights. During such phases, it often happens that I feel drowsy during bedtime, nod off for a few minutes and wake up with a jolt that sweeps my drowsiness away. While that happened last night too, it wasn't a precursor to a sleepless night. I managed to sleep but was assailed by multiple nightmares, which I could remember clearly when I woke up in the morning. But, as it often happens with nightmares, I couldn't remember even one a few hours later. A friend told me a few weeks ago that she had been getting the most bizzare nightmares too. She is going through an extremely stressful situation so I wasn't surprised. But, maybe nightmares are a coping mechanism, as the brain processes the various negative emotions experienced during the day. I am sure neuroscientists and scientists have studied nightmares extensively, but the point of this blog is to hold forth on subjects with a rookie's confidence. Whatever the physiological purpose of nightmares, I would take them over sleeplessness any day. 

Another Housemate To Exit

 When I got a mail from the landlady this morning telling us she will be dropping by for a viewing today, I took the news without missing a beat. My housemates have become so peripheral to my life that they are almost interchangeable. Don't get me wrong--I get along perfectly fine with them. But it would be a stretch to even call us acquaintances. And, I couldn't be more satisfied with this arrangement. I know this arrangement where I am indifferent ot people I am living with cannot go on for years. If nothing else, I will start to resent the presence of strangers in my habitation, eventually. But, six years into my second stint as a student, I feel I have reached the peak of adjustability. It has surprised me how adjustable I have become without becoming a doormat. It takes years to learn to carve out as small a pace as you can live in, but then occupying that fully. Not tolerating encroachments into your nook. 

Its not all hunky-dory though. While I have seen three housemate changes in the past 10 months, but the one I hope will move out steadfastly clings on. But, even she has been occupying less space in my head compared to a few months ago. 

Employment Prospects

 I woke up in a funk today, so instead of going to uni and whiling away hours on Twitter and news website, I decided to go for a haircut and do some food shopping in the neighbourhood. It was a good idea because I was feeling much better when I reached uni around half 11. As soon as I booted my computer, I checked if they had advertised for job openings in my department and I discovered they had. The news threw me into a tizzy and I went from feeling demotivated about work to feeling nervous with excitement. After popping in to see my supervisor to convey my enthusiasm for the job, I started working on the logistical bits of the application to work off the nervous energy. I was too excited to do any actual writing, either for the application or on my thesis.

The next few weeks are going to be extremely busy. I am worried that I will be too focussed on my job application to work on my PhD, which will put me further behind. However, applying for jobs is not a month-long full-time job. So, I am going to try to work on my PhD thesis when I am bored of writing the application and vice versa, instead of trying to draw up a schedule of work and allocate a fixed number of hours to each endeavour. That ahs never worked for me. 

Conspiracy Theories

This morning I had an argument with my Mum on Whatsapp about Covid-19 pandemic being planned by pharma companies. She had sent a link to a page with weak circumstantial evidence about how people had been warning about the pandemic. After my uncle pointed out that the author of the piece was a right-wing conspiracy theorist, my Mum said we didn't have to agree with everything he said. The argument spilt over into our evening telephone cal,l along with the evergreen debate about whether class or caste are the primary form of oppression in India today.

In ordinary times, I would be concerned that my Mum has an affinity towards right-wing conspiracy theories, but these are not ordinary times. Everyone is coping as best they can. In these emotional times, it feels neigh impossible to bring someone to your side of the argument with points that you find eminently reasonable. And, which the opposite person feels are steeped in emotion. It feels so difficult to see the opposite person's point of view in any debate that one wonders if there is any point in even trying. Maybe there isn't. Maybe verbal sparring helps people let off steam but I find it emotionally draining, especially with loved ones. I discuss the news and current affairs with my parents regularly and the conversation has always been amicable, except for today. While there was no shouting or screaming, there was definitely a sharp edge in the conversation. 

Quality of Solitude

 There are two ways to tackle loneliness, apart from doing nothing and letting the feeling pass. To seek company or to seek a higher quality of solitude. In Covid times (and for an international PhD student in a tiny programme) the latter is the easier option. I am going through a lean patch in my PhD, which is when boredom and loneliness are most likely to strike. So I decided to go in to uni today even though it was pelting, I walked because I would have been drenched if I had cycled. So, I walked to uni while listening to music on my phone. The walk was a slog because I was walking into a headwind but when I reached my office and saw the full-length window panes covered by water droplets (from the oustide) I knew it was worth it. The sight of water trickling down glass panes is strangely soothing to me, and watching the rain while jazz music playing was a capital experience. I didn't get much done in uni but that was expected. Since I have unfollowed people who post about India news on Facebook, my feed is full of dumb videos, which I enjoy watching. The walk back home was very pleasant too as I didn't have the wind in my face. All in all, my efforts to improve the quality of my solitude went well.

Day 1 Of Emotional Distancing

 My first day of distancing myself from India news didn't go as well as I had hoped. Today was an unproductive day workwise and my problem is since I don't have a life outside work, when I am not working I end up on Twitter or news websites. I am going to resist the urge to whine about my lack of hobbies and senseless pastimes and move swiftly on. Today, I found myself visiting profiles on Twitter that I had unfollowed last night. But at least this way I am aware that I may encounter bad news, and bad news doesn't take me as much by surprise as when it lands in my Twitter feed. Emotional distancing is a gradual process and I shouldn't expect it to happen overnight. Weaning myself of Indian news won't be easy as the mind often craves the macabre even if mindful of the distress it may cause, like a moth drawn to a flame that burns it. Even if there is no way to cover my eyes, at elast I can ut up some filters between my eyes and the burning world.