Hearing That You Are Smart

 Some people need to hear that they are smart, and some people don't need to hear that. I have long realized that I am part of the latter group. Some people are prone to diffidence, some are prone to overconfidence, some wear their intelligence lightly, both in their speech and in their heads. Others wear it lightly only in their speech and even slight success can go to their heads. 

Why Not Me?

 Today, I was listening to a radio with a woman who seemed to be a bereavement consultant as well as a sociologist of dying. Her story moved me to tears, but that wasn't all. She said people who work in these kind of jobs--funeral services, palliative care, etc-- lead life differently, love differently, etc. They understand that disaster can strike at any moment and change their lives. Since they see tragedy so closely, they do not ask the question  that most people do--"Why me?". They adopt the attitude of "Why not me?". Since they have seen tragedy up close, they relish the tragedy-free moments in their lives. I know that I make them sound like saints, but I suppose they are that, or they are just crazy. To do a job like that and to not lose your mind requires oodles of emotional resilience. But, the phrase that stuck with me, was "Why not me?"., to which there is no answer. I have had the good fortune of not having to "why me" about anything other than my nagging shoulder injury. Let's see if I can adopt the "Why not me?" attitude for at least this minor problem and whether it will help me cope with grace and foritude. 

De-Stressing Jobs

 DO stress-free jobs still exist or do all jobs need to be destressed to the extent possible? I think its the latter. The destressing can be achieved either by taking specific actions, but mainly by giving less of a fuck Easier said than done, I know, and impossible to do within the first few months of a job when you are prone to make a mountain of every molehill. It takes time to tell the potential mountains from the molehills. TO figure out which rules are sacrosanct, which ones are negotiable and which ones are meant to be broken without getting caught. After that, its just a question of finding that slight bit of courage to bend/break the rules.

Happiness Is A Choice, Not a Fate

 This is what I said to a friend yesterday, who was whining about her life. It seemed trite as it came out of my mouth,  and I wasn't looking to drop pearls of wisdom. I meant it to be ironic, but I wonder if there is some use to it. Happiness is a choice. IN today's world, one doesn't have to look hard for reasons to be sad. But, there is no disaster upon you at a point in time, is it possible to choose to be happy instead of glum? To talk yourself out of a funk? I don't know if I am making a lot of sense. I guess the proof of the pudding is in the eating. If I am able to talk myself out of the blues, maybe it is a choice.

Clocks Go Forward 2022

The clocks go forward tonight, and, as is my ritual, I did the Cozy Winter yoga practice and went back to my clocks post from the past. The last post talked bout how life had not gone according to plan but had not gone too badly either. I had not finished my PhD but at least I had a job. The past five months have been challenging, to put it mildly, and the past few weeks even more so. My brush with insomnia last November, my the rise of Omicron, my own Omicron scare, the stress of travelling to India and travelling back and my poor sleep in India. And, then coping with Covid and a heavy teaching load back in the UK. I could go on and on, and I have. But, the important thing is I am still standing and I am still hopeful. Bruised but not broken. Not that there is anything wrong with being broken, and I have been broken in the past and have had to put myself together again. But, I am not broken at this point. 

Grading Research Proposals

Yes, most students don't have a clue about what they are doing and their proposals are all over the place. Yes, it sucks that I have to be the one to teach them a bit of scholarly writing. And, I have to do it without crushing their enthusiasm and their confidence. I often feel like pulling my hair out when I am grading. So, I have discovered its important to pace myself even though I can't do grading in drips and drops--I prefer to do it in one go and be done with it. 

Coping With What A Days

 Today's post, which comes after a hiatus was supposed to be about teaching. But, I am going to save it for another day. Today marks the end of my phase of heavy teaching this semester. Now comes a tsunami of grading. But, with grading, there is nothing to do but to hold your nose and carry on till you finish. Today is a cause for celebration, because I came down Covid the week before my heavy teaching phase began. The only way the timing could have been worse is if I had come down with it the week I was teaching. It manifested as the worst throat infection I have had in 14 years. The last time I had a throat infection was back in 2008 in Delhi, following which I would catch a cold every time I exercised a bit too much. I didn't work out properly for four years after that. This one, too, took ages to pass, and I finally feel well enough to go for a run tomorrow. But, yes, the past two weeks have been tough, and its not like the semester is over. But, I got through the tough patch, and I am still standing. The teaching didn't go as great as I had planned, but more about that tomorrow. The important thing is I gave it my best shot and I am done with it. And, I have also decided to start blogging regularly again. I missed blogging and how it soothes my soul. 

Hardiness

I was at dinner with some work colleagues today. One of them was talking about her job and how one had to be hardy to do it since it involved seeing students at their worst. I immediately thought about how unhardy I feel at the moment. The module I thought would be an easy ride is stressing me out the most. The assignment brief is very unclear and students are coming to me with queries that I don't know the answer to them. I am trying not to care, but it is difficult. And, this is just the first assignment. Goodness knows what she has cooked up for the second one. What else can I do other than tell myself that its not my fault, not my problem, and not my assignment? The answer is this too shall pass.

Not-My-Probleming

 Not-my-probleming is a skill I am trying to acquire. The unit that I had thought would cause me the least stress this semester is turning out to be the most stressful. The unit director has set an assignment that even I couldn't understand. and which she could only explain to me on the third try. I am going to have to field a lot of questions ahead of the submission deadline 10 days from now. Well, so be it. I am just a tutor on this unit. I can't really alter the course of this unit and if students are having a hard time there is only so little I can do. I don't even know if students are having a hard time, maybe they are enjoying learning dodgy economics. Whatever happens is not my problem, and its not my fault. I am going to give this unit as little headspace as it deserves. 

Isoprofit Curves

 Mainstream economics makes you feel stupid and silly at the same time. Stupid, for not being able to keep up with the mental gymnastics involved in grasping mainstream econ concepts. Silly, for making the effort to grasp something that seems arbitrarily put together, unsound and useless. I had a bad tutorial today. I was not prepared well enough and I stumbled in a bunch of places. But, me evening got worse, as I got into a debate with a colleague about isoprofit curves. Usually, I take that attitude that if you want me to teach students bullshit, I won't lose sleep over it. But, occasionally, you get sucked in and you can't decide between engaging and withdrawing. I have a class to prepare for next week that might actually be fun, if I didn't have to worry about all the other bullshit. 

New Physio, New Hope

 Tomorrow, I am seeing a new physio for my shoulder, the fourth in 18 months. I am not a physio-shopper. I gave all the previous ones at least four to five visits to fix me. The first and the third one helped but only up to a point. I soon reached a plateau with them, and my efforts to get off the plateau by ramping up beyond a point resulted in me falling off the plateau. My last fall came three weeks ago, when I was trying out a new routine. Nothing cracked, or split, but I knew I had injured myself. Then, a week late I came down with Covid, so I haven't been putting much strain on my shoulder for three weeks now. To be honest, I haven't even give it much thought, with all that's happening in the world and the round of bad luck I have been having in my own life. Maybe being distracted from my shoulder problem is a good thing. I will treat it just like any other problem in my life, to be managed, not be be fixated over. Maybe all I needed to do is find the right pyhsio and not go overboard with the rehabilitation exercises. 

Levity

Amidst all the news of doom and gloom, I find myself grabbing moments of levity. Yesterday, the clip of the Indian news anchor mixing up his guests and scolding the wrong one cracked me up more than it ordinarily would have. So did the clip of the cocky Indian minister "supervising" evacuations of Indian students being put in his place by a Romanian mayor. And, today, there were the videos of Ukranians taking abandoned Russian tanks on joy rides. The war in Ukraine isn't going to end any time soon, and neither is it going to go off the news, like the situation in Afghanistan did after a few weeks. Moments of levity will be much welcomed. 

5 Hours of Teaching

My throat held up for the most part, and I didn't go to pieces. Even thought two buses didn't turn up, and the bus that did took an hour. It did feel like fate was continuing to toy with me. But, what do you do? Ride the crests, cling on during the troughs, remember? Tomorrow is another five-hour teaching day, and I am fast discovering that shelving to-do-things mentally needs practice. Taking on the stress of everything that needs to be done is a recipe for breakdown. "I will worry about this at XXX point in the future". Maybe I will be able to do a better job of its if I worried about it now, but too bad. The world is growing madder by the day, and me teaching dodgy economics slightly less badly isn't going to make a hoot of difference.