On Travel

 I read an excellent article titled the case against travel (its worth expending your free article allowance for). It made a strong philosophical case against travel without mentioning the effect on the environment, which is a point so obvious that it is low-hanging fruit. How travel forces the locals to mould themselves and the surroundings to attract more tourists, how it pushes people to "demand to feel something" when standing before touristy sights, etc, On Twitter, the author conceded the transformational potential of travel for young people and admitted that her article was targeted at older rent-fattened chronic travellers, who abound in the UK and the US. 

My own views on travel are that I am not a big fan of it because I cannot be buggered to sort out the logistics. All my trips are with friends/family or to see friends/family, treks excepted. I am moderately irritated that a fondness for traveler is a seen as a a signifier of an interesting, adventurous and vibrant personality. For instance, dating apps profiles are littered with the phrase "I love to travel". If everyone loves to travel, surely that's not a novel or distinguishing personality trait? 

But, I cannot deny that I have had some very fun trips, and also trips which have been transformational. The first long trek at age 15 that started my love affair with the mountains, the trip in the US/Mexico in the winter of 2013, that ignited a restlessness in me, that resulted in me first moving out of my parent's house and eventually out of India. 

Bike Blow-Out

 My rear cycle wheel has been feeling wobbly for a while. The girl at the bike repair shop I took it to last week said there was nothing wrong with it, except that it wasn't fully inflated. But, the fully inflated wheel continued to feel wobbly and today, as I was riding it through Castle Park it blew out. It could have been worse. It could have blown out when I was surrounded by cars on a motor, which would have been quite dangerous. A punctured tyre looses air slowly, unless you have rode over a police spike strip. A blown out tyre can't take any weight, and one is forced to a standstill, so you can imagine the effect when that happens on a busy road. But, my first reaction was not to thank my stars. I have a friend visiting who was looking forward to our bike ride, and now she would have to tolerate my sullenness. Also, when you walk along a route that you usually cycle on, it feels ten times as long. I am no cycling enthusiast, but it is simply the quickest and cheapest way to get around Bristol, despite the steep hills. Cycles are not allowed on the buses, and even if they were, it would probably have taken as long as walking because the buses are crap. Bristol is renowned for 'Ghost Buses' which are listed on indicators but never show up. Its a good thing that uni is out for summer, else I would have to further my acquaintance with Bristol's buses. Hopefully, I will be able to have it fixed tomorrow without much ado. 

On Boredom

This blog is a canvas for ideas that are not fully fleshed out, but my ideas on this topic don't even meet this low bar. Anyway here goes: this evening I wondered how much more peaceful life would be if  one had a healthier relationship with boredom. What are the different feelings that are boredom in disguise? I can immediately think of loneliness. Melancholy, maybe even porn-induced horniness sometimes. There are, of course, different types of boredom--being bored of what you are doing and being bored because you have nothing to do, with the implied assumption that one must always have something to do. And, when one can't find anything to do, one ends up doom-scrolling. Also, boredom can push you into interactions that leave you even more bored. I'm not the first one to suggest embracing boredom, "sitting with it" in modern parlance. As with most things in life, the How is the more difficult question than the What. How to to embrace boredom? I don't have the answers yet, or at least an answer that will work for someone like me. 

Pilates

I have been doing pilates for the past few months now, first at the gym and now also at a pilates class. My physio said I need to build my core strength and stability, and I have been following his advice studiously. The gym class had a few men before my India trip, but the past few sessions its just been me. And, the pilates class has only white women. But, this is not the first time I have found myself as the only man in a group of women. The book club in which we read only female authors, the yoga class in Montpelier, and now pilates. This is no surprise as book clubs, yoga and pilates are in the public imagination seen as female activities. Why is a sociological question that I do not have the expertise to answer. But that won't stop me from hazarding a guess or two. Reading is seen as a quiet gently activity, and I would imagine women read more than men. However, men are overrepresented in the ranks of authors and journalists which just shows you deeply the patriarchy is ingrained. Similarly, yoga and pilates are gentler forms of exercise compared to say martial arts or gymming or playing a contact sport. Whatever the reason, its very rare to find men publicly engaging with these activities. I would never stop doing something I enjoy/require just because I am the only man in the group. But, being in a room of mostly petite white women does make me feel very large, very brown and very male. Luckily, I found a solution in my previous class--take a place in the front row so that I am not surrounded by women (not that there is anything wrong in that). Being in the first row almost feels a bit like being in a private class because you are the closest to the instructor and they can keep an eye on you and vice versa. In any case, its only the before and after class that are the awkward bits. For the rest of it, one is absorbed in the class. 

Other People Finding jobs

 I would be the first to admit that I am prone to envy. Two friends recently found good jobs in academia , but my reaction was not envy but wistfullness. Both their positions were much more precarious than mine. One of them would have had to leave the country if they hadn't found a job, and the other did not have a full-time job. So, obviously, I am happy for them. In the spring, I had applied for a job at my alma mater and came second. I might still the job if another position opens up over the summer, but I feel like I don't deserve it, not because its a great job but because I am faking enthusiasm. I have written previously about how the PhD has taken a toll on my confidence and made me very cynical about academia. Now that the PhD is done (hopefully) I find myself struggling to find the motivation to spin articles off from my PhD. The PhD felt like a slog and the next logical steps after the PhD also feel like a slog. I find myself in a place of deep cynicism--I believe most academics have nothing interesting or original to say and I am not part of the tiny minority who do. I know I am no less smart or capable than most academics. It is just a question of setting the ball rolling--write a working paper, present it at conferences. get some favourable feedback, submit the paper, etc. etc. But, it has been difficult to break out of the coasting phase. 

Sparking

 I don't read the Guardian blind date column religiously, but since I spend so much time on the Guardian website, I think I rarely miss one. The last question  is "Will you see each other again", and the answer usually is "Just as friends" or "There was no spark". Maybe one date out of 15 or 20 ends with "we've exchanged numbers" or "it is on the cards". These outcomes are reassuring, lest one starts to wonder if they are the only ones incapable of sparking. (It is human to believe that our afflictions, our quirks, are universe are unique. I suppose they are far more common than we imagine but that is a conversation for another day). I guess the older one gets, the more difficult to find a platonic or romantic spark. And spark on the first date almost seems unimaginable to me. Where is the time to go beyond first impressions, to get over initial shyness, to allow each other's personalities to bloom fully, to establish which jokes are passable and which aren't? The odds of that happening to an introvert like me almost feel negligible. and then there are times when an initial spark doesn't lead to a fire. I sparked with someone last year on the first date, but our second date was a dud. 

The Undateables

I have started to feel like I am undateable, and I suspect I am not the only one. Yes, dating app fatigue is a thing, but the word fatigue gives the impression that it is something temporary and can be cured simply by taking a break from dating apps. What I am trying to put my finger on is something more permanent. Maybe it is the effect of being on dating apps for many years, mild PTSD from the pandemic, the climate crisis, or a combination of all of the above, but my/our self-preservation instincts have become too strong. 

To borrow a line from a poem by Kate Tempest--Everyone "has their  hackles up and backs against the wall." Dating requires vulnerability and openness, a willingness to take the risk of having your heart broken. And, I just don't think a lot of us are prepared to do that. If you don't get excited about anyone, it doesn't hurt when they disappear mid-conversation, right? Equally, if you don't get excited about anyone, why subject yourself to dating apps at all? As a long-term singleton, the idea that I am not built for romantic love is never far from my mind. But, an idea is not a conviction. One day it might become a conviction, but I am not there yet. 

On Neediness

 I have written on neediness before and I am not sure I have much more to add, but an encounter with a person who fits the description has brought the topic to the forefront of my mind. I have written about how needy people constantly seek validation from the people around them, which makes being around them feel like walking on eggshells. Again, this is not a tirade against needy people, and I can see how I have behaved in a very needy manner in some relationships in the past. But, what this latest interaction made me realise is how needy people can inadvertently be quite self-centered. They are so overwhelmed by their needs and so focussed on satisfying them that they can completely ignore the needs of others. 

Dating Apps

 I am going to try to not turn this post into a rant, but I have a feeling I won't succeed. The idea of dating apps is great in principle. I feel uni or work remain the best places to meet partners. You get to know each other while engaging in a common activity and there is no pressure of time (with the obvious caveat that one needs to tread carefully with workplace romances). It is easier to first become friends. When you are on a date, on the other hand, you are constantly thinking about a) whether you are attracted to this person b) are they attracted to you. At uni and work, these relationships develop more organically. So, what if you didn't find your partner at uni and work doesn't bring you in contact with a sizeable pool of people of your preferred gender? Maybe you have a hobby that does? Or maybe you are a charming extrovert who can chat up people in clubs or in the supermarket checkout queue?

However, if you none of the above apply to you, dating apps are a good option, especially for introverts. I am someone for whom good chat and shared political views are important, so dating apps allow me to filter and be filtered. Especially now I am past the age where physical attraction can compensate for a lack of compatibility on other fronts. Aside from being an introvert, I have also not been socialized to express romantic interest in strangers, so chatting up people at a bar or asking for their number is something I would never do. 

Now, for the problems with dating apps. Firstly, the market concentration. Hinge, OkCupid, match.com and Tinder are owned by the same company. The private equity giant Blackstone has a large stake in Bumble. So, if you paying for a subscription, you have to live with the knowledge of where your money is going. Secondly, dating is a terrible experience for both (cishet) men and women. Men tend to swipe right on every woman, while women are much more selective. The dating apps discovered that early on, but instead of encouraging better behaviour from men, they simply limited the number of free right swipes. The message is you can continue to behave badly as long as you pay for it. So, the result is women get swamped with likes and messages and most men get ignored//ghosted. Also, unlike other industries, unsatisfied customers continue to come back because if you are a large platform, they have nowhere else to go. They may hate dating apps, but they only have to get lucky once, right? So, they keep coming back. 

There is a lot more to say about dating apps, and how they are turning us into more superficial creatures, etc, but I guess I have said enough for now.