Other People Finding jobs

 I would be the first to admit that I am prone to envy. Two friends recently found good jobs in academia , but my reaction was not envy but wistfullness. Both their positions were much more precarious than mine. One of them would have had to leave the country if they hadn't found a job, and the other did not have a full-time job. So, obviously, I am happy for them. In the spring, I had applied for a job at my alma mater and came second. I might still the job if another position opens up over the summer, but I feel like I don't deserve it, not because its a great job but because I am faking enthusiasm. I have written previously about how the PhD has taken a toll on my confidence and made me very cynical about academia. Now that the PhD is done (hopefully) I find myself struggling to find the motivation to spin articles off from my PhD. The PhD felt like a slog and the next logical steps after the PhD also feel like a slog. I find myself in a place of deep cynicism--I believe most academics have nothing interesting or original to say and I am not part of the tiny minority who do. I know I am no less smart or capable than most academics. It is just a question of setting the ball rolling--write a working paper, present it at conferences. get some favourable feedback, submit the paper, etc. etc. But, it has been difficult to break out of the coasting phase.