Feeling What You Feel

The other day on the radio, a young man struggling with his mental health in lockdown said "you have let yourself feel what you feel". Twice. "Feel what you feel" is one of the new-age mental health mantras, right up there with self love. But how useful is it? I only speak for myself when I say that it is useful but not very. While it is important not to censor your thoughts or fight what you are feeling it is also important not to be fully hostage to them. Most feelings are transitory but if the unsavoury ones stick around it is important to take action to release yourself from their overpowering grip. The action could mean simply changing the tempo, doing something to distract yourself until the feeling passes. Or talking and guiding yourself to a better place. It is not easy, but one gets better with practice. Of course, not all unsavoury feelings are undesirable. Sometimes unsavoury feelings are a message to change something and not just take steps to get away from those feelings. 

Leaving the Labour Party

Today, I wrote to my MP asking him how I could leave the Labour Party. I had already cancelled the direct debit from my bank account last week. The current Labour Party leader says or does something that angers me everyday, so I decided its just not worth the bother. Once I am out of the party I can treat him as just another reactionary middle-class white man.
I had never been a member of a political party before I joined the Labour Party in November last year. I voted for Jeremy Corbyn with pride at the general election and was as crestfallen as anyone else when he lost by a huge margin. But, my experience of the being the Labour party has been of countless emails spat out by the Party's giant bureaucratic machine and events and events where I felt distinctly out of place. It seemed like the membership of the Labour party was a lifestyle choice for white middle-aged middle-class people of a slightly liberal persuasion in Southern England. But, at least during Jeremy Corbyn's time, the party's leadership said things I broadly supported.
When disillusioned, the two main options are to fight, flee or do nothing. I chose the second option, not least because I might not even be in this country 12 months from now. What's the point of being invested in the Labour party when my investment is only bringing me anger and disappointment. I get plenty of that from people and groups I am not invested in.

The Power of Surrender

I have written before about the need to be able to surrender yourself to the present moment from time to time, instead of seeking to change it. In recent days, I have come to increasingly rely on that practice. In the midst of momentous events in the world or in our individual lives, when there are forces at play which we can't even fathom, let alone control, surrendering can be a powerful and comforting act. And, an alternative to taking frantic actions and second-guessing every action. Cliched phrases such as "if it is meant to be, it will be", can be a source of reassurance. Surrendering to the Great Unknown, Recognizing that if the future was knowable, it wouldn't be the future. I don't know if I am making sense, but I am allowed some incoherent ramblings from time to time. 

Listening

I have recently come to realize that listening is a hard and under-appreciated activity. When someone comes to me with a problem, I am getting better at allowing them to talk, instead of bombarding them with advice. Also, to ask more questions rather than try to provide them with answers. But, in general conversation, I still think my listening skills leave much to be desired. I am an opinionated person and I don't have as many avenues as I would like to air my opinions. And as someone who enjoys discussion and debate, it is easy to get swept up in the moment and drown out less aggressive forces. 

Listening is not a passive activity. It requires both empathy and concentration, which are not always in abundant supply so its not just a question of practice. But, I suppose at least having the desire to be a good listener at the back of one's mind is a start.  

Faith and Fate

I was raised atheist, and I am comfortable in my atheism. I am not a militant atheist and although I have very little regard for organized religion I respect all faiths. Life is difficult, and any faith or spiritual practice based in love, mutual respect and tolerance is fine with me. Most atheists grow up with the belief that you make you own fate, and I was no different. But, can a steadfast belief in one's own agency come in the way of acceptance? We are not master's of our own fate and there are so many things beyond our control. How does one cultivate a relationship with fate that is not based in blind faith or defeatism on one hand, or  outright dismissal on another? One advantage of surrendering to fate is that you stop second-guessing every action and don't beat yourself up when things go wrong. And,you don't become nervous when you are confronted with a similar situation in the future. I guess the atheists need to becoming more accepting of faith, and the devout more skeptical of the power of their deities to influence their fate.

Gmail Memories

This afternoon, I decided to burrow deep into my gmail folder, as one does once in a few years when one has nothing better to do. I wish I could say it was a walk down memory lane, but mostly it was being annoyed by the amount of junk that I had missed deleting. There were a few memories that I hd consigned to the dustbin. Correspondences with friends I have since lost touch with, email exchanges with prospective employers that I was extremely keen to work with at the time. These were from the phase of great restlessness when I was desperate to leave India at least for a bit. I was bitterly disappointed at the time when none of those opportunities, although in hindsight I am glad they didn't.
All these memories were reminders that it is easy to get caught up in the moment and sweat the small stuff, much of which one won't even remember a few years from now. Isn't that one of the purposes of memories? To serve as reference points for the present, to allow one to view the present from the perspective of the past? I am sucker for nostalgia though, so I would walk down memory lane even if there wasn't any wisdom to be gleaned from it. 

Lockdown Haircut No. 2

In my blog after cutting my own hair the previous time, I had sworn I wouldn't cut my hair ever again. Well, one forgets lessons with surprising ease and I have given myself another terrible haircut. Actually, this one is worse than the last one. I now look like I had brain surgery on both sides of my head. To add insult to injury, I also have a zit on my nose after years. Good thing those dates didn't work out. So, the next time I want to cut my hair, I am going to a barber or buying clippers. I was in half a mind to order clippers immediately to salvage my haircut. But, I am just going to laugh at myself. As I have written before, hair will grow back, and I will have other problems to deal with. 

Day 1 of Mini-Hols

Yesterday, I wrote about how not having a social life or hobbies makes downtime from work drag. Today, was the first day of my mini-holiday and I can report that nothing of that sort happened. I savoured the time away from work and watched a movie, cooked, did yoga and listened to some podcasts. The lesson for me is 'one swallow doesn't a summer make'. I had a pretty bad day yesterday and drew inferences about my life and the future based on that experience. That was a natural thing to do. And just because today was a good day doesn't mean my lack of a social/love life won't bother me again. Taking every day as it comes is easier said than done, but it is useful advice. 

Burnout

Today,it was a little for me to get out of bed. That worried me, since I am a morning person and I am usually full of beans at that time of the day. It didn't get better even after I had my  morning cuppa while listening to classical music on the radio. Not even after I did yoga, or had a shower or did a yoga meditation. I was filled with a restless unease that was like a magnetic field repelling me from my PhD thesis. As I just couldn't bring myself to work, and I was stuck in that annoying inaction-guilt cycle. When I finally managed to look at my work, I felt repulsed by it. It is not rubbish, but  it is nowhere near as good as I would like. Which is fine--that's the reason we have multiple drafts. But what I felt today was a confirmation that I was close to burning out, and needed to spend some time away from my thesis. I had felt slightly burned out on a few occasions in the past weeks, but today was worse.
So, I have decided to take a break from my thesis for about two weeks. But, there are no sighs of relief being heaved. My thesis is pretty much my life. I don't have a hobby which I can sink myself in for hours. I don't have many friends and I am single. But, it is what it is. I need time away from work and have time away I must. Yes, I may feel lonelier than usual during this period,but so what?

As Others Do to You

As you get older, you are attracted more to people who treat you well. Your feelings for someone become more conditional on whether they are treating you with consideration or not. When you are younger, you often pine for people who don't even give you the time of the day. Maybe its because as you get older, your tolerance for such behaviour reduces. You move on from them more quickly. The may not be a bad or inconsiderate person. It just may be that you mean nothing to them. That's a more bitter pill to swallow then them being bad, but such is life. For whatever reason, if someone doesn't reciprocate your attention, you take yourself out of that situation.

PhD as my Identity

Today, I read a tweet by an academic saying her life became much less stressful after she started treating her PhD as a job rather than her identity, which got me thinking about how I treat my own PhD. In the functional aspects, I suppose I do treat it as a job. I work during during what the world considers as office hours and never work Sundays. I have a fairly well established routine. And before lockdown, I never worked from home. But, on an more personal level, it is a big part of my identity. And, that's not entirely by choice. I know I am not a genius and I know that my PhD is not going to change the world, or even come close. But, the simple truth is I don't  have a life outside my PhD--no partner, not many friends, no super-hobby that can consume large parts of my free time. So, yes, when things don't go well with  my PhD, I don't have anything else to distract me. But, surely there are worse problems to have. I don't suffer from impostor syndrome so when the PhD is not gong well, I don't feel like an imbecile.So, yeah, on the whole, I am fine with the PhD being part of my identity even though I know fully well I may not be able to remain in academia after I finish because of the state of the job market. 

Guilt and Privilege

A lot of white people are furiously examining their privilege in the wake of George Floyd's death and the explosive BLM protests that followed. Many white people are already wallowing in guilt and looking to people of colour to help them assuage it. I can't help but feel cynical about this exercise. Yes, acknowledging your white (and caste, gender) privilege is a big first step but it is possible to remain stuck on that step. White guilt in this case is a distraction from more substantive questions. Acknowledging you white privilege and protesting against police brutality is one thing. But, are you ready to relinquish that privilege, let alone fight for a society in which you are less privileged. Here, I both agree and disagree with the Marxists. I agree that material conditions are fundamental and any change that doesn't seek to address them is incrementalist or even reactionary. But, I disagree that capitalists are the only oppressors. White supremacy, the caste system, misogyny, xeonphobia are the pillars holding up the current political economic structure up. They are both exploitative and stabilizing. A world without them, or at least a world in which these pillars are substantially weakened, will look very different from the current one and not just for the capitalists. Are white and other privileged people ready to accept a possible fall in their standard of living, a possible erosion of protections against downward mobility? I guess that is the reason why these BLM protests are making people nervous, as I have written before. Today, the came for the statues, what if they come for our jobs and property tomorrow, as one commentator on Twitter said. 

Three Years of Yoga With Adrienne and Counselling Anniversary

I started practicing Yoga with Adrienne three years ago today, which was also the day I started counselling. Both have been life-altering experience, although only one continues. Before starting this post, I went back to the anniversary post I wrote a year ago. It mused on the possibility that I might dump YWA for another youtube channel because,among other things, I was starting to find the poses repetitive. A year later, I can confidently say that I have no such intention. If anything, YWA has become a bigger part of my life, especially since I stopped going to my yoga class during lockdown. Many days,  I supplement the morning yoga or exercise session with an evening meditation. I tried a meditation app but realised I needed to stick with Adrienne.
My feelings about my counsellor have changed though. I don't see her as my life guru anymore. She helped with a specific problem, and her help was life-altering. But, I went to her last year on a trip to India and she couldn't help me. Or maybe I didn't need help.

Attraction is A Mystery

I was listening to a Modern Love podcast the other day and apparently in the American South it is not that uncommon to have white racist men married to black woman. I was quite surprised because mixed-race couples are usually consist of black men and white women,  and not the other way around, or at least that is what I thought. Why that is the case, I don't know. Is it because women are less racist than men? Or because black women don't fit the archetype of a pretty woman in today's society--who is white and slim. So, I was surprised to know that black female-white male couples are not that uncommon.
I could try to come up with reasons why racist white men marry black woman. Maybe they want someone whom they consider inferior and can thus dominate? Or maybe attraction is just beyond the reach of reason. I don't know

Servants of the Map

A few days ago, someone I met on an online dating app asked for short story recommendations and I told her about Servants of the Map, my all-time favourite. I came across it in 2010 and must have read it at least five times since. Last evening, the urge to read it again seized me as I felt like I needed to be transported to another age and another place. The story is set in the 19th century and features a cartographer who is mapping the Karakoram with his team. The story is partly told through his letters to his wife, some of which are responses to her letters that are not revealed in the story. The writing, the setting, the age, the protagonist's introverted personality, all chime with me. I can imagine myself writing those same words if I was in his shoes. For many years, I had a special fondness for stories in which I could personally identify with the protagonist. So, if the protagonist was misfit introvert with a rich inner life and poor outer one, I was all over the story. Over the years, my reading tastes have expanded and I enjoy literature where I don't relate the characters, or at least not in a narrow sense. But, Servants of the Map is special. I luxuriate on every word and read it as one would sip a favourite wine.
The  last time I read it was when the demons were dancing in my head. Insomina was a frequent guest at the time, and since I couldn't sleep I started reading the story. I would love to say the story lulled me into a peaceful sleep, but it didn't. The demons were too powerful at the time. But, it transported me to a different world for an hour or so, which is all it was meant to do. 

Standing Up to Fascists

A BLM protest scheduled for today was cancelled to avoid clashes with far-right thugs. The decision to cancel was contentious but was later praised as the thugs,  finding no one to fight, turned their booze-fueled energy towards the police. There were a few clashes, but in the videos and pictures I saw it was thugs getting beaten up.
I have always felt that fascism, when it grows beyond a point, cannot be contained. It either has to be crushed with force or left to burn out (and burn up everything around it). I don't mean to sound flippant but looking at the situation in India it feels like when someone has been converted to the cause of fascism it is neigh  impossible to bring them back. Only a huge shock can turn them away from fascism. 

What To Do With The Statute

So the Colston statute has been fished out of Bristol Harbour and taken to a secure location, pending transfer to a museum. It will be displayed there along with BLM protest signs. A friend of mine reacted angrily on Facebook, arguing that it should have stayed in the river, with a memorial to his slave victims at the spot where it was dumped. I am not sure. Ever the tactician, I feel  BLM can afford to a take a quarter step back after taking such a giant stride forward. The toppling of the statute and its dumping into the river was executed with perfect precision and was a huge symbolic action. It reverberated across the world and inspired many other such actions. It is the thing that Bristol will be known for for year ahead. Not the Clifton Suspension bridge, not the Baloon festival. But, the incident may also have shocked some white people who are not outright racists but need time to absorb what has happened. So, it would seem a little churlish to insist that it stay and rot in the river. The river dunk is a part of the statute's history, whether it stays in the river or not. 

Being a Friend To Yourself

A few years ago, during the darkest period of my life, I saw a counsellor at my university to help decided whether I should quit teach mid-semester and tend to my demons. I just saw the counsellor once but one thing he said stayed with me. "If a close friend was going through what you were, what would your advice to them be?". The answer to that question helped me decide to quit.
In times of Covid lockdown, when friends or family might be far away, or might have troubles of their own, it is important to be a friend to yourself. To be able to listen to yourself the way a wise friend would listen without shoving advice down your throat. And, to be able to say to yourself the things a friend would say to you in moments of darkness and despair.
Even before the lockdown I didn't have many friends in Bristol, and my closest friend here might be moving away soon. I am in the final year of my PhD, and stress and frustration are par for the course. But being a friend to myself has helped me cope. 

Off Days

As I look back on an unproductive day less than two weeks from a chapter deadline, it is important to put things in perspective. I don't have a peer group working in the same research ares as I do. For almost the past three months, I have been working from home. I get along with my housemates but we are not friends. My PhD has been a intensely isolating experience, made more so by the Covid lockdown. But, I have done remarkably well to cope well under the circumstances. Yes, some other PD students have it much harder than I do, but so what? I am not complaining or whining to them. I am merely patting myself on the back for coping well. I thought working from home would be a disaster as I had never done it before. Most weeks, I used to spend six days out of seven at the university. But, I made my workspace comfortable in advance. And although I have not been as productive as I would have liked (who ever is?), I have made decent progress and more importantly, I have kept myself in good spirits. I have also tried to support friends in difficult situations to the extent I could. I have shown kindness and empathy to myself and to those around me. On off days, it is important to remember  this. 

Liberal Binds

It is a tough time to be a liberal in a position of power. How do you condemn anti-black racism when many of your supporters and followers are all for it? Maybe not explicitly, but who see calling out racism worse than perpetuating racism. Who fail to even entertain the idea that the world that black people inhabit is drastically different to their own. It is alternately infuriating and amusing to see them tie themselves up in knots. To try to say something that means nothing because if it is vacuous, it doesn't piss anybody off except razor-sharp lefties but who cares about them.  

Colston Statute Taken Down

Today, Black Lives Matter protestors in Bristol pulled down the statute of Edward Colston, who made his fortune in the slave trade and plowed some of it back into the city. There have been campaigns in the past to have it removed, but they came to nothing. A Cambridge academic that I follow on Twitter wrote "So all this guff about 'erasing history' is the cover story for the real anxiety: the attack on property. If they come for statues today will they come for our houses and land tomorrow? And indeed they might. Hence the anxiety." The tweet echoed my feelings. White liberals are all for ending police brutality but the moment the conversations starts to move beyond that they get uncomfortable. White supremacy, the caste system, misogyny are all wage suppression systems and wage suppression or what Marxists would call exploitation of labour is the framework for living standards. The moment you threaten these mechanisms you are threatening living standards of privileged groups, not just the rich. Just like solutions to the climate crisis might involve a drastic change in living standards of middle-class Westerners. A change in living standards doesn't mean they will be fighting for scraps in the streets. But how many people are willing to acknowledge and make amends for white privilege, caste privilege, gender privilege, etc. by accepting a change in their standard of living?

To Protest or Not To Protest

A friend and I have decided not to attend the Black Lives Matter protest in Bristol tomorrow for a couple of reasons. Firstly, Covid-19 because infections are rising in our part of the country. Incredibly, organizers are asking attendees to social-distance for two weeks afterwards if they can. Secondly, ministers have been warning against attending the protests, indicating that a second wave of Covid is coming, and the Tories want to pin the blame on BLM protestors. But, seeing the crowds in London today it is difficult not to feel that this is a historic moment for this country and the world. A protest is not a negotiation. What triggers it and what fuels it could be entirely separate things. The police in the UK are less brutal towards black people than in the US, although that is an extremely low standard. But, after 10 years of austerity, being locked up in their houses for months, and months if not years of economic depression ahead of us, people can be excused for feeling that they are at the end of the tether. Police brutality in the UK is not an issue that gets me fired up, to be honest. I have just been here for a few years and no one I know or know of has experienced it. But, one can also attend a protest out of curiosity, to witness what may be a historical moment. Maybe these protests are the beginning of a leftward lurch? 

I am not going to play the cynic and say it is easier for white people to perform wokeness by going to a protest than examine how they themselves are complicit in white supremacy in their everyday lives through their words/silences and actions/inactions. If I don't want to go for protest, I should just admit that without being sanctimonious about it. 

Doomsaying

It is dawning upon me that I am a habitual doomsayer. Most of my hot-takes are about the coming hellish storms, and I can't think of one positive prediction I made. Being cynical and of the judgemental disposition, as confirmed by the Myers-Briggs test sets me up nicely to be a doom-sayer. I have written before about how being a doomsayer is safe territory--if doom occurs you at least have the satisfaction of being proved right, and if it doesn't hurray anyway. But, it is worthwhile to consider if I am biased towards doom-saying, and habitually a glass-half-full kind of person. I don't think I am a negative person and I have toned down my cynicism over the last few years. But its  something to be conscious of. 

Over-Editing

Yesterday, a friend asked me to go over her statement of purpose for a job application, and like a true journalist, I whipped out my red pen and set on it like a lioness on a gazelle. But, mid-way it occurred to me there is a difference between rewriting and editing, and I should be clear what is expected of me. As a journalist, I was taught that copy editors are ruthless and one should learn to write better rather than be bitter about them mangling your copy. Working for an international newswire, i was fortunate to work with some great copy editors. I would probably have ended up as some sort of an editor if I had stuck around in journalism.

But, it struck me that rewriting too heavily means suppressing the original author's voice and imposing one's own words on the piece. That may be fine in certain situations but not in all. I am a reasonably good editor and writer, so when someone asks me for help I can usually find ways to improve the copy. But, I must fight the temptation to rewrite it completely. One can definitely improve a copy without rewriting it and silencing the original author's voice. 

Anti-Blackness of Non-Black PoCs

I still remember the day, about five years ago, when a Dutch friend told me about a conversation she had with another Dutch friend in which me and my ethnicity came up. Apparently, when she asked if I was black my  friend had replied that I am from India, and she had replied something to the effect of, "So, he is black" or all non-whites are black. That story hit me like a brick, and it took me a few days to get over it.
Growing up in India means anti-blackness is ingrained in you even if you are not one of those Indians who makes money noises or throws stones at black people. The caste system makes sure of that as it encourages contempt for the castes below you and abject servility to the castes above you. Dark skin equals lower caste,  so black skin equals lowest of the low. Black people experience racism everywhere but I would be surprised if they experience the same level of contempt that they do in India. Unless you are a T-20 cricket star from the West Indies.
It took me a while to come to acknowledge my anti-blackness and the complicity of brown people in upholding racial hierarchies. The middle rung of racial hierarchies can be a comfortable place. If you are a racist brown person, at least you are not at the bottom of the heap, and there are other races you can turn your nose up at. If you are a woke brown person, you don't suffer from white guilt, while implicitly benefiting from your proximity to the white race. If you are black or even half black, you are unmistakably of African origin. Brownness confers more ambiguity especially if you are fair-skinned s you could be from anywhere from Eastern Europe to Central and South Asia or from Latin America. For instance, in Mexico, I was often mistaken for a native

Watching US Crime Dramas

Will we ever be able to watch U.S. crime dramas again? I was just thinking about how Hollywood behaves like the propaganda wing of the US military and the US police, making them seem impossibly cool and courageous. Today, I came across a tweet which was a much more refined version of my stray thought. The narrative in movies/TV is always from the cops' perspective, which it encourages it viewers to adopt. Make bad-ass cops seem good, hold up propensity to violence as a good thing. 

What happens when the Strike-Breakers Go on Strike

I spent most of today following news of the Black Lives Matter protests in the US. A couple of days ago, I was telling my Dad that the US and India are likely to see huge upheavals in coming years. Rapacious capitalism built on a scaffolding of white supremacy and caste, respectively, was tearing the social fabric. But I am not going to pontificate on what's going on. Playing Nostradamus on a blog that no one reads is a low-stakes endeavour but it feels shallow--current events are too serious for me to be playing intellectual-intellectual.
However, I have learned a few things that have surprised me. Firstly, how well police in the US are paid and how effective their unions are. Left-wing activists have always seen the police as strike-breakers and protectors of capital. But, if moves are made to cut their budgets and curtail their power, how will they respond? What happens if the strike-breakers go on strike? What happens if they turn violent?
Crises can be very revealing events. When people or groups are pushed into a corner, how they respond can reveal a lot about power structures and institutional configurations.