Encounters with the Master Race

As I watched the video of a white woman calling the cops on a black man for asking her to follow park rules and leash her dog, my mind went back to the only ugly counter I have had with strangers in England so far. The time when I accidentally knocked a dog into the river with my bicycle. The dog owners were livid, and a screaming match between us ensued. But, luckily for me the were mixed-race lesbians and didn't appear to be middle-class. If it was a hysterical white middle-class woman in their place, things could have turned out very differently. I reacted angrily out of instinct. If I am in a similar situation again, I am pretty sure I won't react in the same way. As a recent immigrant, I wasn't aware of my "station" and the possible repercussions of messing with people above my station. Just like the black British writer who lost his way on a car trip in rural America and approached a house for directions, only to be chased away with a shotgun. I was aware of racism in Britain even before I moved here. But, I wasn't aware of how racism manifests itself and the various social mores that one must familiarize oneself to minimize the chances of ugly encounters. 

Summer Evenings

During my first summer in Europe back in 2015, I discovered that I find it more difficult to the longer days of summer than the shorter days of winters. I have also discovered I don't sleep well during the summer. At first, I thought it was because the blinds in the rooms where I was staying were not thick enough. But, my current room has good blinds, so that can't be it. With the longer days and lockdown, there are also more people about even post 9 pm. I suppose people who would ordinarily be in pubs and restaurants are spending time outdoors instead. At first, I thought I would stop going for my post-dinner works until the days started getting shorter. But, it turns out I also have more energy during the summers, and could also do with some time away from screens. So, I have decided to listen to podcasts on my evening walks, so that I am less bothered by the presence of people. It seems like the most obvious thing to do, and I don't know why I didn't think of it earlier. 

Full of Beans

 I had a meeting with my PhD supervisors today and they gave me a choice whether I wanted to set myself a stiff deadline or not. I asked for a few days but I'm pretty sure I am going to take the deadline. I have sent months meandering in the doldrums and this deadline feels like a call to arms. I suddenly feel full of beans and am not sure whether this nervous energy or just plain enthusiasm. I realise none of this is going to be easy and this unbridled enthusiasm could soon turn to heavy dejection. But I shall cross that bridge when I come to it. 

Closure

I just got a message from a girl I had a virtual date with a few days ago. We spoke for an hour or so and the conversation was interesting enough, but we didn't hit it off. At the end, when she asked if I wanted to stay in touch, I am sure I didn't sound enthusiastic when I said yes. I told her we could exchange numbers. Immediately after the call I sent her my phone number but got no response till tonight. She wrote to say that she didn't think we have enough in common and was not keen on keeping in touch. I immediately felt better.
Being ghosted sucks, even if you have little interest in the person ghosting you. It makes you feel small and disrespected. I have never ghosted anyone, although as an introverted cishet male who doesn't look like an Adonis its not like I have had plenty of opportunity to ghost. I understand ghosting might be an appealing option for women as men are quite likely to respond to rejection with anger and/or abuse. So kudos to women to take the trouble to write back to turn down men they've never met.

First-World Gratitude

I was going to write a post on how most of my current problems are first-world problems. But, at the last moment, I decided to drop the negative framing and turn it into a post about gratitude. Telling someone or yourself that their or your problems are trivial seldom helps, and is a form of mild gaslighting. Indeed, the line between being dismissive of someone's troubles and being reassuring is a thin one. The heart feels what it feels, and doesn't bend to logic or reason or even perspective very easily. Instead, I want to try to focus on what I am grateful for. To put it very succinctly, I am grateful for my mental and  physical wealth, and that of my near and dear ones, and an absence of food//money troubles. I wouldn't trade the things I am grateful for the resolution of my current troubles--that is a no-brainer. Yes, its not easy to focus on the positives when you are feeling low, but one can always try. 

The Problem with Online Dating

It is common knowledge that there are more men than women on online dating apps, in some cases multiples more. It also common knowledge that most men swipe right on every women, which multiplies their number even more. So, a guy whose only interests are going to the pub and watching football would swipe right on a geeky scientist even though they are not compatible at all. And the geeky scientist has to wade through dozens of such likes. In my uneducated opinion, this is the biggest problem for dating apps and solving it would require a big behavioural shift in men.

Dating apps have sought to get around this problem my  limiting the number of right swipes for non-paying men. But, since their revenue model revolves around getting heterosexual men to pay. So, as long as you pay, you get unlimited right swipes. I read somewhere that dating apps are designed to be experienced like slot machines. Small occasional wins that keep you coming back for more. But, if your whole business model is to get men 'addicted' to the app, you can't turn around and complain if men behave like addicts, and swipe right on every female in search of their next hit. People will pay if it thinks it will help them find love and companionship but they won't keep paying YOU if they keep being disappointed. They will move on to the next app. 

Catastrophic Thinking

When we are faced with a bleak scenario, it is easy to assume the worst. Purely as an intellectual pursuit, it is a win-win proposition. You have the satisfaction of being proved right or the relief that the worst outcome didn't materialize. Which is fine, unless you start buying into your gloomy outlook too heavily and close yourself to the possibility that it may not materialize. And, related oourunities that might come your way. For instance, that Covid-19 poses an existential threat to UK higher education, which was already weakened by decades of marketisation. Ergo, my chances of landing a job or post-doc in the next 12 months are slim to none. While this is unquestionably true, it is dangerous if I stop keeping an open mind to job/post-doc possibilities. I firmly believe things seldom turn out as bad you fear or as well as you hope. 

Domestic Labour

I have been souring supermarkets for packets of frozen spinach for a few weeks now to no avail. Since I couldn't find any other leafy vegetable as a substitute to add in my daal I bought two packets of fresh spinach, thinking that I would prep it for freezing myself. I knew it would be a time-consuming task but I had no idea how much time it would take me without a blender. It took me 45 minutes to get through just one bag. This was the first time I had laboured hard in the kitchen and I don't know how maids in India do it day after day, and usually in multiple houses. 

Haiku Skills

What better way to spend lockdown and break the monotony of early summer evenings when the light refuses to die and nudge you towards bed than to improve one's Haiku skills. I am going to share some I wrote yesterday, even though I am prouder of the output from my Haiku phase two years ago,


Our old way of life,
Gone with the Wind
And we are still waiting for the wind to die.


Bursts of hope,
the agony of waiting,
pinpricks of rejection,
Welcome to online dating.


Even as I stare at a blank page
my head's wheels keep turning
One day words will pour forth

Flattening Maturity Curve?

I haven't gone through my blog posts from 2018 but if I did would I find much more wisdom in them than in more recent ones? I have a feeling I might. 2017 was a watershed year for me while 2018 was the year when the lessons I learnt were put to test and refined. So it is quite likely there was a spurt in my self-awareness in 2018 which was reflected in my blog spots. The spurt was me making up for years of disaffection and delusion and it is natural that it couldn't be sustained. While self-actualization is a lifelong process, its pace can vary over one's lifetime. And, although the pace at which I am becoming wise (to ut it bluntly) I can say with some confidence that there has not been any backsliding. I am more accepting of myself than I was in 2018. 

Wartime As A Time of Waiting

I am currently reading a book whose plot I can't get into right now, but in which I came across the following: 'Wartime is a time of waiting'. 'Time of waiting' seems to be aptly describe the current moment in time. Those of us who are not going to work and are doing our best to protect ourselves and our loved ones from the virus. We are also trying to prepare ourselves for whatever the future holds for us personally and professionally. But what we are doing, at least those of us not on the frontlines, is essentially waiting. Waiting for this moment to pass, with nervous apprehension for what lies beyond this pandemic. I don't mean to sound cynical. Waiting need not be a passive helpless activity and need not involve only staring out of the window, as much as I enjoy it. Waiting while keeping your equanimity at a time like this is an achievement. There are moments that call for stillness and those that call for action, and recognizing what the moment demands is a valuable skill. 

Self-awareness and Communication Skills

Online dating is not for the faint-hearted.I don't want this post to be a rant against online dating, because the issues that I have experienced with it are by no means exclusive to  me, even though the apps are designed to  give you that impression. But, I listened to a podcast today where the guest, who is a dating coach, said the way to do well at online dating is to improve you communication skills and increase your self-awareness. I found the advice way more useful and positive than vaguer advice like 'don't take rejection so hard' or "don't be so needy". Self-awareness is important to prevent setting off harmful inner dialogues which puts ever failed encounter down to your lack of attractiveness or some other critical flaw in your personality. Sometimes, interactions will fail for no fault of yours or anyone else's. On the hand, you will make mistakes that you can learn and improve from instead of becoming bitter or jaded. And, communication skills is self-explanatory because the early part of any relationship is all communication.

Infinite Present

I chanced up on a tweet yesterday which struck a chord. It was about how we are living in "infinite present. No future plans, no anticipation of travel or shows or events or celebrations. Its an endless today, never tomorrow.' We spend so much of our time thinking about the past or the future. No, this is not an exhortation to "live in the moment" although I do believe mindfulness is useful. I supose what makes this point in history unique is that future is not just uncertain but we lack the mental frameworks to even imagine it. It is one thing to wonder whether you will have a job in six months, its quite another to wonder whether your job profile will continue to exist. And, if we don't know what to expect in the future we don't know what to make of the past. If we preferred the old way of life--characterized by conspicuous consumption, the nuclear family as a model for being "settled", and rewarding extroversion--should we mourn its loss? If we were uncomfortable in the old world, should we be licking our lips in anticipation of the new world? 

Another Person in The House

I am sensitive to my living environment and it takes me time  to get used to changes in it. My notorious housemate has returned and although she hasn't done anything outrageous yet, just having another person in the house is taking some getting used to. She is someone who makes her presence felt. Markers of presence, such as the extra-large wine glass in the dishes rack and her stack of booze on the kitchen counter remind of the time before we went into lockdown, and it is not a time that I want to go back to. It just me struck that my easy experience of a lockdown had a lot to do with living in a house that was not full and with this housemate in particular being away.With her back, it might be much more difficult to cope. There is no way to spin this positively. Well, one learns to cope when one has no other option. She has as much right to be here as me and working from anywhere else is not an option for me. I am going to be much less tolerant of her shenanigans this time though. 

Getting Ready For Normal-er Life

Life is not going to go back to normal this year or even next year but we are not going to be forever in lockdown. Chances are we will oscillate on a spectrum spanning full lockdown and normal life till the end of the year. But, for someone like me, who has coped with lockdown pretty well so far, its important to not get too comfortable with being locked down. This is not a normal state of affairs. Some people have coped better with this abnormal state, true. But that doesn't mean they are abnormal or won't be able to cope when things return to normal. It is possible, indeed advisable, to take the lessons you have learnt about yourself and the world during the lockdown into normal-er life. What are the lessons I have learnt? Ooh, this will take some thinking, but from the top of my head--that I am more flexible and adaptable than I thought I was. That I have a rich inner life that I can immerse myself in when I become too disaffected with the outer world. That I have a big heart and a lot of love to give.
It is natural to feel anxious about a change of circumstance, especially when they can change so frequently and dramatically. But, all change is not for the worse and you are not alone. There is no shame in taking comfort from the fact--that its not just your world that is in a tailspin, the whole world is. You are doing the best in a shitty situation, as are most people, and that is all you can do. 

End of Honeymoon

I just got word that my housemate from hell will be returning this week. I always knew it was just a matter of time before she returned as this lockdown wouldn't last forever. But, the news was enough to knock my mood. I have already decided that I am not going to take any nonsense from her. But, I am a conflict-averse person so squabbling doesn't come easily to me. That's  the thing about a lockdown, just when you settle down to a particular set of circumstances, the circumstances change. But, I have a good routine now, and I have my workout cut out as far as my PhD is concerned. Yes, the honeymoon period is over, but I have a job to do.

'There is Nothing More Whole Than a Broken Heart'

I came across this quote by a rabbi in a speech by the German President on VE day. The speech was exemplary, but this post is about the quote, which resonated with my mental state for the past few weeks. Every day, on multiple occasions I am moved to tears by the news, which is an unending stream of tragedy and devastation. But, wrenching grief is not all I feel. I also feel empathy, kindness, generosity, admiration, solidarity, and most importantly, love. I feel more  one with the world and its people than I have ever felt. It is as though I am realizing how big my heart because it breaks everyday. I don't mean to be frivolous--no one I know has been affected by Covid (touchwood) and if that happens, I probably won't be ruminating on the nature of pain and misery during a worldwide disaster. I would instead by be riven with anxiety, spending sleepless nights wracked with worry. But, equally, I don't want to downplay what I, and countless others, I am sure, are feeling. On that note, I remember a haiku I wrote a few years back: 'When she broke my heart, I was relieved to know I had a heart, an almost love is also love'.

Openness

Do people interact differently during crises? Do they dispense with small talk, put away their filters an talk more openly with  less fear judgement because who knows how long they or the opposite person will be around for? Do they censor themselves less, care less about what the other person will think? Some self-censorship is necessary of course because one doesn't want to hurt the opposite person. But, that censorship comes from a place of concern and not out of fear of  judgement. 

VE Day

Today marks 75 years since the War in Europe ended. Celebrations are muted because of the lockdown but it is a big occasion here in the UK. I,  of course, have mixed feelings as I see it as the last time white people killed each other in large numbers. Since then, their firepower has been directed at people of colour--Korea, Vietnam, Iraq, Afghanistan, various coups in Latin America. And more people of colour died in World War 2 than Europeans if you don't count Russia as part of Europe, which most Europeans wouldn't. Of course, history has been rewritten to make it seem as though the UK largely went it alone in the War and triumphed. World War 2 rhetoric and imagery was liberally used during the Brexit campaign, and even during the current pandemic.
I don't begrudge British people celebrating VE Day. Many of them possibly lost family members in the War and this is their way of honouring them. But, it is not a celebration that I would participate in. 

Anonymous Letters

I read an anonymous letter by a  married woman who was purportedly carrying on a nine-year-old affair with a married man. The letter went into a lot of detail  about how it started, the accompanying emotions, their equations with their respective spouses and almost trumpeted the fact that they had never been caught because they never left a paper or text trail during their trysts. Too much detail, in my opinion, to keep anonymity. Given that it was published in The Guardian and the couples seems to be white-collar and middle-class I find it difficult to imagine how their spouses or someone in their social circle won't come across it. I found myself wondering what was the point of the column. Was it to assuage guilt by trying to normalize adultery? Or was it a work off fiction? I imagine a newspaper of The Guardian's standard has some procedure to vet anonymous entries. I wonder how they do it.

Preparing for Coming Upheavals

One of my closest friends will likely leave the city within three months. I am obviously not feeling chuffed by the prospect of her leaving, but I am trying to put on a brave face. This is one of the first upheavals I will have to face as part of the (post)-Covid world. It is for certain that I, and everyone else, will face many upheavals, the only question is how many and how wrenching. How does one prepare for the upheavals? It is difficult enough to prepare for known challenges, let alone unknown ones. I think the best one can do is cultivate a healthy relationships with oneself and with close ones. Work on relationships that you have ignored, try to strengthen existing ones. If someone holds a special place in your life, let them know in one way or the other. Don't wait for someone to reach out to you. If the person is or was a meaningful presence in your life, swallow your pride and reach out to them. That doesn't mean ping everyone in your facebook friend's list from college. It is okay to leave relationships dormant, but of which you have fond memories. Watch funny movies, sexy movies. Talk to people who make you laugh.

The Lives of Others

How does one look at the lives of others without jealousy, pity or indifference? Of course, our perceptions of others travel through many filters, some at their end and some at ours. But, is it possible to look at other people's lives with openness, curiosity and empathy? Resist the temptation to use them as a mirror to our own life? This is different from trying to see things from someone else's perspective, which I have no beef with. But, putting yourself in someone else's shoes is an effort we are not prepared to take for everyone we encounter. We only do it for people whose behaviour we are trying to understand. I am talking about the lives of peoples we are not particularly invested in. They could be acquaintances or even characters in a TV show or a book. Is it possible to see them for who they are instead of fitting them into the pre-existing categories of our own mind? 

Muscle Atrophy

Its amazing how quickly unused muscles atrophy, I decided to go for a run this morning on my usual route. Usual may not be the right word in this case. I run less than 10 times a year, and haven't run since I got back from India six months ago. But, this route is very pleasant and has enough uphill sections so that I have got a good enough workout in less than 30 minutes.I knew my legs would feel like jelly the following day bit I hadn't expected to struggle as much as I did today. And then it struck me that I hadn't cycled in more than a month and that my home workouts are focussed on my upper body. Two weeks ago, I got a shock when I shaved my face as I discovered that I had put on weight. I am trying to eat healthier since then. After what happened today, I have decided to add some uphill cycling to my exercise routine.
Sometimes I wonder if I am paying too much attention to my health (and let's be honest, to my physique) than I am to my PhD. My PhD progress has been slow and fitful, so maybe I should worry about it more. On the other hand, it strikes me that time hasn't been hanging heavy during this lockdown. My days are full even if I am not being as productive as I would like. I shouldn't diminish this achievement even as I try to squeeze more out of my days. I have a daily routine more or less set but I can always tweak it. 

The Point of It

One thing that I and several fellow PhD are often pondering about these days is the  point of our research in a world consumed and changing before our eyes? Having given it much thought, I can answer at length. Firstly, it is the height of conceit to imagine that we can drop what we do and pivot our research towards Covid. There are researchers who specialize in different aspects of this epidemic and this is their moment to shine. Secondly, the social, political and economic ramifications will outlive the virus itself. All social scientists will have a role to play in interpreting and making sense of the post-Covid world. Thirdly, our experiences over the last two months and going ahead into the pandemic, will inform our research even it is not related to Covid. Crises are demystifying moments, which is why scientists of all manner study them so closely. Lastly, if nothing else, my research gives me a sense of purpose and meaning to my life and that is important to me and to my mental well-being