Fight Song

Sometimes when I am feeling blue, I play youtube videos of patients and staff of children's cancer hospitals performing Rachel Patten's "Fight Song". The videos never fail to bring tears to my eyes. If you think you have a getting a raw deal in life, there is no better way to give you a sense of perspective. But, it is not just a question of just telling yourself that at least you don't have it as bad as children afflicted with cancer and to pull yourself together. More than that, it is the love and courage in the eyes of the patients and staff. I try to draw on the reservoirs of love and courage that are found in these places. The ability to disregard a person's looks, colour, gender body type and see them as another human just as deserving of love as you is very powerful. It frees you from being captive to your first impressions of them and appreciate them for just being human (of course this can be extended to any living thing that is not bothering you). I am not suggesting we turn ourselves into saints. But a little kindness, at least in thought, if not in words or actions, can go a long way.  I know I went off on a tangent here, but I am satisfied. 

Full-blown Fascism

Will life become easier if one assumes that most of the world will move towards full-blown fascism or is that being defeatist? Every day brings news of outrageous acts from different corners of the world. I try to keep away from Twitter and news websites, especially before going to bed. Just when you think things can't get any worse, they do. Because one lacks the power of imagination to think of the worst so one is constantly being shocked by new lows. Fascists have two weapons in their arsenal that makes them formidable foes. Lies and false dichotomies. Right-wing movements have been using these tactics since they came into being. The only difference is that these tactics have gone mainstream as right-wing governments have come to power. How is the left supposed to counter these tactics, which fare extremely well against the nuance discussion that the left favors? How do you beat simplistic framings such as you are with us or with the terrorists or promises by right-wing politicians to take a country into a new golden age? Which is why I feel right-wing movements, once they have achieved critical mass are extremely difficult to beat. They can only be brought to a stop with a catastrophe, such as a World War. This is not to say one shouldn't oppose them because one must. One doesn't really have a choice but to fight when every fibre of one's body  is repulsed by their words and their actions. It is just to say that, the right cannot be beaten at their own game because their game is dastardly and not worth playing. 

Moralizing Preferences

It is easy to mistake preferences for conscious moral positions. I am not a fan of travelling or shopping,so it is easy for me to judge those who are since both activities are bad for a planet. I am also not leaning towards not wanting kids, so I can also explain that choice as stemming from concern for an overpopulated planet. But, what good does that do to anyone? How can one express concern for the planet without sounding sanctimonious. And given the scale of the climate emergency, does it even matter if one sounds sanctimonious. How does one change social norms such as conspicuous consumption, travel for leisure and having children without acting those norms as immoral? And, if one does so, doesn't one open oneself up to people policing you for the slightest deviation from your moral position so that they can dismiss you as a hypocrite? These are all questions I have no answer, including to the question of whether these questions matter.

White Privilege

I am reading a book about race, so it is likely that I will be blogging on the topic in the coming days. One thing I have been wondering is are there are downsides to being white? Is whiteness ever a burden like masculinity sometimes is? I would be the first to accept that men enjoy innumerable privileges compared to women, and we are not even aware of many of them. But masculinity can also be a fetter as it comes with expectations about how a man is supposed to be, which can be chaffing. Many men struggle to meet those expectations. My question is can whiteness also be a fetter? I can't imagine how, but maybe its not a good idea to ask white people. I am sure many of them think of it as a fetter. 

Debate vs Discussion

I was in a debate after ages today, and it struck me how angry it made me. I can't remember the last time I debated someone and it was probably the same friend but years ago. It is clear to me that in debates as in most interactions in life, how you say something is almost as important as what you are saying. Form is as important than content. But, I couldn't stop the anger rising in me, which made me very aggressive. If I had kept my cool, I would definitely have been able to better put my points at across. I think I have become used to interacting with people I broadly agree with, so the discussion is quite nuanced. Debating, on the other hand, is all about putting the other person in a box stripped of nuance and trying to bash that box in. Debating with someone who comes from a different ideological, or even worse epistemological position feels like hitting your head against a wall.
I also think I have become used to interacting with women, who are generally much more prepared to listen and who don't doggedly defend their respective positions. 
At the end of the debated, which concluded with me saying I had nothing more to say, my friend said he had enjoyed the debate. Maybe he thought he had won it. I was about to tell him that I had not enjoyed it all, when he said it was a welcome change from a rotten day so I bit my lip. I don't enjoy debates at all, partly because I feel it is a spectacle sport from a different era. Two liberals who had no skin in the game could debate each other till their ears turned read, but liberalism is in its dying throes and no one cares any more what liberals think. The battle is against fascism, and people's lives are at stake. 

Exodus

I just got news that another staff member is leaving our department at the university, taking the tally to five. My other PhD colleagues are more discomfited by the news than I am. I suppose that is because I witnessed the last company I worked for bleed people over two years. After a point, me and colleagues got used to the uncertainty and low morale, and adjusted by not doing more than the barest minimum work that was required. I was paid well and I had no long-term ambitions in that line of work so I was not very bothered. Organizations go through upswings and downswings, and it is no use getting overly enthusiastic or dejected as the case may be. When an organization is in a slump, only two things can happen. Either it can hit the bottom and recover or it can go bust. A few months ago, my former organization closed the news bureau that I had been a part of, seven long years after it initially started downsizing.
I am quite keen on joining my department as a full-time staff but I realize that we live in times of extreme uncertainty. It is okay to have plans but not advisable to cling to them come what may. I realize that the university, or actually the whole country, might look very different by the time I finish my PhD. What will be will be, the future is not ours to see. Timeless words of wisdom...

Standing Down

Sometimes it is important to not just know when to stand down but make the conscious decision to do so. And abide by it. Sometimes people close to us have problems we can't help them with or they don't listen to our suggestions. It is okay to persist if you are not getting too much on your nerves. But, when it starts to affect your own peace of mind, it is time to stop and stand down. Of course, that point depends on how close you are to that person, or how close you want to be. You might decide you don't want to be so close to that person because the stresses in their life are starting to affect you, and that is okay. It doesn't mean you are abandoning them. It just means you are demarcating the amount of emotional space you can give them, and claiming the rest for your own self-care. We all have a point beyond which we say, "I can't do anything more and its not really my problem". As I said, that point changes depending on how close or far you are to that person. These points come not just when a person is struggling for no fault of theirs, in which case they deserve all the support one can give, but is, knowingly or unknowingly, resisting our attempts to help. At the end of the day, you must take responsibility for your own happiness and so must the other person. 

Reset

I needed a reset really badly today and I got it. Sometimes, removing yourself physically from a stressful situation even for a short period can make such a difference. I went to a local festival today--not my favorite hunting ground as I don't like crowds--but I am so glad I did. Events of the past fwe weeks culminating with a disaster yesterday had really got to me even though I wasn't the principal aggrieved party, which probably made it worse. I felt distraught as well as helpless. I was meeting some friends and for the first half hour or so I almost felt like I would burst into tears any moment. But, I managed to hold them back and, over time, managed to immerse myself into the afternoon.
I have been telling myself that my PhD has made me even more reclusive and I prefer my own company to bad company. That might still be the case, but I have recognized the importance of going out over the weekend, especially since the atmosphere at home is not very convivial at the moment. The mind and the body are connected. Going into a different physical space can take you to a different mental place. Sometimes it is difficult to change your mental state without physical changes. 

Relationship Modification

Is it possible to recallibrate your relationship with someone, or does doing so destroy the organic nature of it? Is that like trying to change  how you feel about someone, which on the face of it seems like a pretty pointless exercise? Or is the only option to end the relationship once you realize it is unviable in its current form? I am not so sure. If a relationship is worth having, it is worth changing. Relationship patterns, once they solidify, become habits and it is possible to change habits. It is not easy, and it requires commitment to the relationship from both sides. And, most importantly, it requires enough time and patience, and possibly some distance in the short-term. If one person wants to go about to how things were and the other person doesn't it is a problem. The former has to adjust because the relationship in its current form is already damaged. Just like a broken glass can be fixed but cannot be returned to its earlier state, a broken relationship can be mended but things are unlikely to go back to how they were. The person who is resistant to change has to adjust, because the only other option is to abandon the relationship. Of course, I am talking about something in my personal life and of course, I am not going to tell you more. 

Stepping Up

I have written before about how I leave some yoga classes brimming with energy and positiveness. This was one of those classes, and God knows I needed it. The past week has been rough and the class was exactly what I needed. It was less crowded than usual because many people were presumably at the Extinction Rebellion protest against inaction on climate change. XR was clearly on the instructor's mind and in her discourse she invited us to step up to something that we were holding ourselves back from (or step down/away if we were forcing ourselves to do something that didn't feel quite right). At the end of the class, as we were soaking in the nutrients of the practice she played a clip of Greta Thurnberg, the 16-year-old Swedish climate activist with Asperger's. The clip gave me goosebumps. I haven't been to the protests yet, mainly because I don't have any company and I find the protesters too white and too middle-class. I fully support the protest and I would rather them protest climate change than shop at Marks and Spencer, or whatever it white middle-class people do for leisure. But, I felt I didn't need to join them and put myself through another experience where I  am the only brown face, especially if I didn't have any company. I feel differently now. There are always a lot of excuses to not do something, to sit out. Stepping up takes some amount of courage as well as time and energy. But, stepping up for something you believe in, if nothing else, gives you the satisfaction of living by your beliefs.  I have never let a lack of company stop me from doing something I like or believe in so why start now?

Twilight

The days are slowly getting shorter and I can't wait. I miss twilight time but living in England means I can only experience it from Feb-April and mid-August-October. At other times of the year, I am either in university or getting ready to go to bed during the no-man's-zone of the day. I enjoy sipping tea in the sitting room of my shared house as the light fades. Or, a walk on the downs close by, which are deserted at that time of the day except for the odd jogger or fellow oddball. Twilight for me is a time to sit still and observe the daylight melt into darkness. A time for quiet contemplation, which is my favourite passtime. 

Bristol Pride and Prejudice

I just read an article about a black Christian man protesting at the Bristol Pride march. The article took me back to Amsterdam Pride, which I had attended four years ago. There, too, were black Christians warning the Pride marchers that they would be damned by God for sodomy. Sights like these are so cringeworthy. Christianity was brought to most parts of Asia and Africa by white colonizers, and now you have Black Christians who think they are saving Christianity by rounding against white gay people. The colonized who learned the lessons of the colonizers better than they were supposed to it and are throwing them back at the colonizers. This is not to say that indigenous cultures in Asia or Africa are not homophobic. But I'm guessing most of the protesters at these events are Christians. Another manifestation of the pernicious legacy of colonialism. 

Brilliant But Awful People

I was going to write about my experience shopping for clothes, but I realized that that pet peeve has already been chronicled. So, let me talk about something I was just reading: an article on the debates in University College London about whether scientists who held controversial political (read racist and sometimes misogynistic) views should be honored. Arguments in favour of honouring them are that they have made significant contributions to science and so, while their views should be acknowledged as controversial, they should be honoured. It is the height of presumption to assume that we have scaled the heights of progressivism and none of our views would be considered beyond the pale 50 years from now. It is one thing to honor philanthropists whose fortunes stemmed from the slave trade, but quite another to honor scientists whose views might not be known to most people. On the other hand, honoring such figures whitewashes the controversial bits. It feeds the idea that if you are brilliant you are allowed to be a horrible person, and the more brilliant you are the more horridness you can get away with. I don't know where I stand on this one. But, at least, tolerance for brilliant but awful people is receding. Maybe we are realizing that we wouldn't have so many catastrophic problems in our world today if the brilliant people that we lauded were indeed as brilliant as we thought. So if they haven't contributed to solving the world's problems the least they can do is behave decently. Maybe a day will come when rich and powerful people will also face a reckoning, like some brilliant people are. 

Writer's Block

I haven't had writer's block in ages. The past few days have not been terribly productive, but today it felt like I hit a wall. I couldn't write more than a few sentences in the whole day, and decided to come back home from uni early. I can't remember the last time I did that. Yes, some days are more productive than others but I rarely throw in the towel before 5 pm. I am trying not to read too much it. Seeing it as a personal failure or a sign that I am losing interest in my research. Everyone has off days and some of days are more off than others. I am coming back from a holiday to what is to be the start of the final year of my PhD. This is the year when I will have to work harder than I ever have. It is exciting but also intimidating. I don't feel like I was lazy for the first two years of my PhD. While I haven't been super-productive I like to think that my accomplishments have been reasonable. But, personal growth is about eclipsing your own prior achievements, pushing yourself further than you ever thought possible without running yourself into the ground. The challenge is to do both. I have learned a lot about myself in the past two years, particularly on the personal front but also on the professional front. I feel like I am equal to the task before me and I have the tools to cope with the stresses that the task, as enjoyable as it is, will generate. 

Pride and Ignorance

Pride breeds complacence and stems from ignorance. If you are feeling too smart, chances are you not fishing in the right waters or at least not deep enough. Feeling a little dumb is a motor for research, because if you already know most things worth knowing, research becomes a performance for the sake of your vanity.
This morning, I found myself absorbed in a topic that was fascinating and bewildering in equal measure. It is essential to feel both emotions towards a research  topic. I am bewildered by quantum theory but not fascinated by it. I am fascinated by yoga but not bewildered by it. Which is why I don't research quantum physics or yoga. I am extremely fortunate that I am both fascinated and bewildered by my current research interests. The fascination pushes me towards the topic, the bewilderment encourages me to explore it deeper. Where does pride come in? Nowhere, because pride encourages performance and stunts the spirit of inquiry. 

Multiple Sclerosis

Over the past few weeks, I have come across two people diagnosed with multiple sclerosis--one in the real world and one in the virtual world. The first is a friend of a friend and the second is an Indian journalist whose column I read today. In the first case, the woman woke up one morning and couldn't move her legs. She now moves around in a wheelchair. 

The news had a special poignancy for me because I remember that in one of my health anxiety phases about nine years ago, I feared that I had MS, which is an  auto-immune disease, where the body attacks itself. At the time, to my anxiety-addled mind it seemed like a slow-death sentence. Now, it turns out it doesn't have a huge effect on life expectancy, except in severe cases. None of which is to say that it is not a horrible life-changing disease. Our bodies are our abodes, our sanctuaries, and we take them for granted, just as we take home for granted. So having your abode become a stranger to you is a profoundly disquieting experience. Even though I have had demons dance in my head, I fear physical conditions more than mental ones even if such a mind-body distinction is possible to make in practice.

Structure Vs Agency In The Climate Debate

So many contemporary debates in politics can be boiled down to the structure-agency dichotomy. Is human action primarily the result of institutional structures an individual finds herself in or is it a result of her exerting her free will? A Twitter exchange I chanced upon today flagged the same issue. If corporations are the biggest polluters, does the behaviour of individual consumers, such as cutting down on unnecessary consumption, matter? I tend to think that it does. We can rail against capitalist structures all we can (and we definitely should) but we are all complicit in the structures. That is barely a revealation, but my point is we are complicit in it to differing extents. Middle-class Westerners are extremely complicit in it, and the more complicit we are, the more our power and responsibility to change it. It is unimaginable that our planet will be able to support Western middle-class living standards for all, or even most, of its population. Whether capitalism survives or perishes, we in the West will have to accept a drastic  change in our living standards. The issues of climate justice and social justice are intertwined here. Trying to tamp down on excessive consumption is often dismissed as victim-blaming, and I have been witness to the uncomfortable spectacle of solidly middle-class protesters thumbing their noses at people who shop at Primark, who presumably come from a lower social class. But, can't we do both--go after corporations AND mobilize to change consumer  behaviour? What could be more subversive than attacking the premise of this economic system, which is boundless consumption. Companies directly and indirectly produce goods for consumers. To pretend that they can continue to do so in similar volumes and quality but with substantially lower bio-physical footprints is fanciful. 

Sugar Bore

I am fast acquiring the reputation of being a Sugar Bore among friends and family because I have the annoying habit of reading out loud labels on food packages for their sugar content. At first, it was out of amazement at how much sugar certain foodstuffs contain, including food that is not seen as 'sweet' such as ketchup, or mayonnaise or cola. Now, it has become something of a habit. I try to eat healthy, but sugar is the only thing I really take care to avoid. I have noticed that the less sugar you eat, the more you become sensitive to it. For example, a bar of KitKat feels intolerably sweet to me now. 

While I care about the health of friends and family, it is easy to descend into moralizing and virtue-signalling. My behavious might even be perceived as fat-shaming since I am of lean build, so I  am careful to only dispense advice to close family and friends. Ultimately, what adults put into their bodies is their own choice. It is easier for some people to resist some foodstuffs and more difficult for others not necessarily because they have weaker wills but also possibly because their bodies are different. Listening to your body is more prudent than doggedly starving yourself of a particular foodstuff. And  on days when I am feeling especially drained after a heavy workout, sugar is what comes to the rescue and possibly staves off illness. 

Back to Blogging

I'm back after a short holiday with family. Technically, I am still on holiday but back from a trip on which I hadn't taken my laptop. While I have realized I am generally more content when I am blogging and doing yoga, some days without either can be good too. The days leading up to the trip were intense on both the personal and professional front. While my first instinct would be to write about it, maybe it was good that I couldn't while I was on the trip. I have a tendency to over-analyze and over-reflect, which leads me to sometimes make mountains out of molehills. Now that I am back from my trip, the mountain before my  eyes seems more like a molehill.
 While blogging and therapy writing are an indispensable part of my life they are not my whole life. Anything pushed to an extreme can be counterproductive, and navel-gazing more than other things. In recent years, I have seen writing as a healthy outlet for my tendency to overthink and over-analyze, but it can become addictive. If one must overthink, one is better off putting it down on paper instead of having a whirlpool in one's head.
But, having something to write about can push me to overthink. Which is why I thin maybe it is a good idea to have a time limit for how much time I spend on an individual post. I am also aware that one writes and learns, and one's relationship with writing changes over time. A style or frequency of writing that might be useful at one point of time, may not be at another.