Revenge of the Single, Childless, Introverts

I am going to try to write this blog without sounding churlish, which is going to be tough. This is my third week of self-isolation and I am coping quite well. This is partly down to circumstance--I'm comfortably off financially, in good health, my bedroom is pleasant, etc. etc.The other part is to do with me being a single, childless, introvert. I am happy that I am childless for obvious reasons--we could be on lockdown for weeks, if not months. I am happy that I am single because the government's advice is that couples should either move in together or not see each other for the duration of the lockdown. Unless you are with the love of your life and your housing situation is conducive to  moving in together, that's a scary set of options.
We live in a world that holds extroversion, consumerism and being coupled up as ideal states. Single people are shamed, minimalists are mocked as oddballs and introverts kept being asked why they speak so little. As an introvert who has been single most of his adult life, I have felt like a bit of an alien in all the places I have lived. Its only in recent years that I have become increasingly comfortable with myself. But I have never been able to shake off the feeling that this world belongs to the pub-going, travel-loving extrovert, and introverts should be content to skulk on the sidelines. Most introverts don't crave the limelight, but the message that many of us take away is that we are different to most and inferior in this respect, irrespective of whatever other virtues we have. Extroversion, consumerism and being coupled up seemed like the natural order, and you could defy that order but not without some social censure.
The coronavirus has upended this natural order. Extroversion, consumerism and being in a romantic relationship are banes at the moment, not boons. Of course, coronavirus will go away eventually and the old order may rise again. But, hopefully, the lesson I and other introverts will take away from this is that ECR may be the dominant order but it is not the 'natural order'. It is reflective of a particular socio-historical epoch and nothing else. Just because a particular socio-hisotrical epoch doesn't resonate with our personalities doesn't mean our personalities are deficient. And the next time I feel envious towards ECRs, hopefully I will remember this insight. 

Quarantine Haircut

I have often written about my bad haircuts,but this time I have noone but myself to blame. My head had started to look very mangy so I decided to give myself a haircut. It seldom happens that I am satisfied with a haircut so why not be dissatisfied by my own skills this time? Turns out there is plenty of scope to mess up a haircut. I tried trimming my hair with a beard-trimmer and it was a bad idea because no matter what the setting, it started to pull hair from the roots. My right side looked like I was recovering from brain surgery. So, I abandoned the trimmer and picked up the scissors. I didn't do badly until I trimmed my front too short. So now both my sides and front are a disaster.
I don't have many regrets because I won't be going out in public much and we could be locked down for weeks. But I have discovered that while I may not have as much hair as I would like, I have more than enough to mess up a haircut. I am never going to try cutting my hair again until I have substantially less hair.

Clocks Go Forward

Since the clocks go forward tonight, I commemorated the occasion with my Cozy Winter Yoga with Adrienne session. This has become a ritual that gives me intense satisfaction--I do the same session at the end of daylight savings time as well as the start. It marks the change of season and is a comforting reminder of how long I have been doing yoga.
At the end of daylight savings time in October I was a little anxious about my house hunt. Fortunately, it worked out fine and I am perfectly happy with my current accomodation. I will next do the cozy yoga session when daylight savings time ends in October, seven months from now. I wonder what the world will look like then. Never in my lifetime has the path of humanity, and hence my path, been so uncertain. As coronavirus sweeps the world, nothing can be taken for granted. Not our lives, and not our way of life. It is bound to change, the question is by how much. 

Coronavirus Sacrifices

This evening at 8 pm, people clapped and cheered for the NHS from their homes. I don't stand on ceremony, but I am deeply grateful for the NHS and their work. This is not a war; a few professions, most of them badly paid are being asked to make disproportionate sacrifices compared to the rest of the population. We are not all in this together, at least not to the same extent. Medical staff are putting their lives, and those of their loved ones, on the line, and most of them are doing so without proper personnel protective equipment. Apart from the medical staff, supermarket workers, police, emergency services, and other key workers, what are the rest of us doing? Panic buying and going on picnics amid a burst of good weather following a very wet winter. Hopefully, when all this is over there will be a reckoning of who has sacrificed how much and what that should mean for their  post-virus prospects. At the minimum, it should prompt a reappraisal of who constitutes a key workers and which jobs are actually valuable. 

INFJ Exceptionalism

Today, I  found out, much to my chagrin, that two family members are INFJs like me , according to the Myers-Brigs personality test. I was chagrined because INFJ is apparently the rarest personality type, a fact which I keep reminding my non-INFJ friends about. And, also because I would never have categorized the said two family members as INFJs. It just tells you how different your perception of people could be of their perception of themselves (which is what gets tested). It turns out that there are a lot of closet introverts who present as extroverts. I know better than to mistake shyness for introversion, but I would genuinely not have categorized both the family members as either shy or extroverted. 

Cry, They Beloved Country

Browsing Twitter over  the past two days, two short clips from India stayed with me. The proprietor of a major newspaper had posted a clip of herself with her domestic staff standing outside her bungalow, clapping and banging on utensils to cheer for health workers as part of the Indian Prime Minister's grand spectacle. The staff--five of them--are flanking her at a respectful distance and they are all barefoot, as someone on Twitter pointed out. The proprietor was in slippers. Domestic help in Indian households never slippers around the house, unlike the people they work for. In fact, slippers are often their footwear when they step out of the house.
I wonder what went through the proprietor's mind when she posted that picture, which screams of privilege, wealth inequality and caste discrimination. Maybe she thought she was being inclusive and magnanimous by deigning to include her domestic staff in a clip to be posted on Twitter.
The second clip showed a teenage boy crying because he had been wandering around for three days searching for a bus to take him home before the lockdown in India. He was a daily-wage labourer, slightly built, with a swarthy complexion. One of the millions of power, presumably lower-caste Indians for whom survival is a struggle as it is. The coronavirus lockdown is likely to visit unimaginable trials and tribulations on these people.
I know this piece is dripping with judgement, and I don't care. Nowhere else in the world is your fate determined to such an extent by the family you are born in. Nowhere else in the world is the subordination and the subjugation of lower castes and classes so methodological and complete. The caste system is hardwired to such an extent in Indian life that it is almost invisible. 

Lockdown

Tonight, after weeks of dithering and stalling, the UK government is likely to impose a lockdown. Its been a long time coming, and I don't expect it to alter my life dramatically. Over the past ten days, I have only stepped out of the house to shop, go for a walk once and to uni to pick up a few backs. Oh, and I visited a friend over the weekend in her house.
For most of my time in the UK, I had thought being out of the house every day was key to my mental health. The PhD room was my oasis and I had taken to working from there six days a week before the outbreak. How things have changed. I went to the  PhD room to pick up a few books this morning and I couldn't get out of there fast enough. It felt like an alien place.
Unlike most people, I am not distressed by the thought of a lockdown. As an introvert with an at-home exercise practice, I am better equipped than most to handle it. It also remains to be seen how strict it will be since people will still be allowed to commute for work.

Faith and Reason

Today I had a difference of opinion with a friend from school days about the Indian prime minister's exhortation to the people of India to stand on their balconies today and bang metal utensils. The purpose of this exercise is to show solidarity against the coronavirus threat or to kill the virus with vibrations, depending on your scientific temperament. My first reaction was to dismiss my friend's view as unscientific. My school friends are not my ideological bedfellows, and I seldom engage in political discussions with them because I am scared of what views they may express.
But then I thought of my own belief in faith-based practices. Prior to my awakening, I flirted with a number of alternative healing techniques, some of which involved manipulating chakras and energies. Looking back, it sometimes make me cringe but I don't want to make the mistake of  judging my past through the prism of the present. I consider myself a seeker and I am no blind believer in the power of reason. Life is difficult and we all must find the right balance of faith and reason that makes us feel at peace with ourselves and the world.  Blind faith or blind reason can both be dangerous and must be called out. But, as with most things in life, one could do with being less judgemental of the person exhibiting what we feel is blind faith or blind reason. What spiritual tools one relies on to make life more livable is one's own business.
At a time when people and the world seem more and more irrational, suspending judgement is also a survival strategy. Because judgement brings engagement with it, and often the best strategy is to not engage with crazy for our own peace of mind. 

Spring Will Come

As humankind groans under the burden of the pandemic, the natural world ambles on, oblivious. In some cases, it fills up the space recently vacated by the anthropocene, such as the dolphins in the canals of Venice. The country is girding for a lockdown, which is meant to pause life and arrest the spread of the disease. But, life won't really pause. We will still, hopefully, be provided food and utilities and both require enormous amounts of movement. And, the natural world won't pause either. The view from my window will change as the tree branches shed the greyness of autumn and sprout fruits, flowers and leaves. The songs of the birds will grow louder and chirpier, and the sunlight will stream into my window. In other words, the winter of pandemic won't last forever. Things might well become worse before they get better. But, spring will come.

Learning

As the legs come off our world, it is obvious how little we understood it. Or, maybe it is a fact that a world can only be understood when it is in the throes of extinction. A severe crisis lays bare some important aspects of the world, like the global financial crisis of 2008 did. But, an existential crisis forces one to reckon the world in its entirety and ask fundamental questions about its nature and purpose. For instance, how would one explain the fact that Republicans and Tories are outflanking moderate socio-democrats with proposals such as Universal Basic Income? Or, that generational differences map onto ideological differences?
Of course, studying a burning world that you are a part of is not easy at all. It is intellectually stimulating but emotionally draining. On the other hand, it is important to try to keep a sense of equanimity and not go overboard with the hyperboles. It is easy to valorize the present, because of our proximity  to it, to believe that nothing like this has happened before. But, research, like life, is a balance between going overboard, launching flights of fancy and clambering on board, touching the ground from time to time. 

Bare Necessities

I consider myself  a frugal person, but, of  course, frugality is in the eyes of the beholder. This evening, I was thinking about the things I needed to maintain my current standard of living. On the food front, availability of eggs, bread, milk, yogurt, onions, tomatoes and fresh veggies if they are available. On the utilities front--water, electricity, heating and broadband internet.So far, I have been coping well with self-isolation even though its just been five days. But, I have no idea how I will cope if the supply of my bare necessities is interrupted. That is starting to look like an increasingly real prospect.

WFH Day 1

It didn't go as badly as I feared, nor as well as I had hoped, like most things in life. I was moderately productive, but coronavirus remained at the top of my mind. Trying to strike the right balance between being kind to yourself during this difficult phase and not slacking off completely is difficult. A part of the reason is never before in my lifetime or those of most of us who have not suffered war or natural disaster has the future been so uncertain. What will the world that I, as a newly-minted PhD student, step in look like? It is impossible to predict the extent of devastation and subsequent upheaval that this will cause. This world is now bursting at its seams and feels like its going to be explode in a Big Bang. 

The current situation represents a morbid dilemma for those on the left like me. Yes, going back to the pre-coronavirus world of peak fascism, rising inequality and breakneck-speed climate change doesn't feel like an enticing prospect. But if that world is a frying pan, the coronavirus is the fire. There is no telling what the world will look like when it comes out of the fire.

Of course, I am being melodramatic. Maybe it won't be as mild as I hope or as bad as I fear. 

Prepping to Work From Home

From tomorrow, I will be working from home and I am as prepared for it as I will ever be.  I have a desk and chair, I have cleared up my room and made it as homely and officely as possible and I have put out pictures of my family on my desk for virtual love and support. Working from home was something I had been dreading for weeks, but now going to uni seems like the much less palatable option. Our uni has not closed down yet, and I had initially decided that I would keep going until it did. But, now I have changed my mind. A part of the reason is because I am trying to be a responsible young person who might not be at risk, but who doesn't want to be a carrier of the virus. Also, this is an extraordinary time. To pretend that it is not and to try to carry on like everything is okay just because my  life hasn't been affected directly feels callous to me. I don't trivialize the concept of sacrifice by claiming my working from home is such, so what's a good word for what I am doing? Acknowledging the gravity of the situation? I don't know. In any case, introverts like me will weather isolation better than others. Indeed, I won't miss some of the people in my  PhD cohort and I am looking at this as a hiatus from them.

As I was meditating today, hot tears rolled down my cheek as I thought about the people who are less fortunate than me, in terms of health, money and responsibilities, and how their life is likely to change in the coming weeks. I have never prayed in my life and don't believe in a God, but I will be holding them in my thoughts every day and will be praying to the universe for their well-being.

Panic Buying

The last time I went to the supermarket the shelves looked bare. There were barely any fruits, vegetables or rice. For the past few Saturdays, the newspapers have been carrying stories of panic buying. It is not surprising that a consumerist society reacts to every situation by buying. During coroanvirus its panic buying, and at other time it is festive buying or bargain buying. You buy when you are feeling low to feel better, you buy when you are feeling good and want to celebrate. Pleas by supermarkets are likely to fall upon deaf years. They have fed the beast of consumerism, and think they can cajole the beast to stop feeding during a crisis? Fat chance!
This might not be the right time to rant against consumerism. I have given up judging people for their consumerist ways, although I suppose my disapproval shines through my demeanor. But, I draw the line when I am pushed to partake in the consumerism. 

Self Isolation (Day 1)

Today I placed myself under self-isolation in the morning with a great amount of fanfare and regretted it a few hours later when I felt better. I hadn't got much sleep last night partly because of the chills. Placing myself under self-isolation initially made me feel virtuous but as the day wore on I began to rethink my decision. The fever had disappeared, and although I was still feeling under the weather, it could just be because the last few weeks have been stressful. 
I had thought that being away from the office would help me work as it would take me away from the collective swirling paranoia around coronavirus, but no such luck. I found myself spending a lot of time on news websites. This is possibly the most important event in European history since World War 2. But thinking about it constantly will drive me nuts, so I am hoping that boredom will drive me back towards my PhD work. Particularly as the last two weeks have not been very productive.
The PhD is a constancy in my life, a goal that exists in and of itself, independent of what happens in the world, save for major illness or death of me or my loved ones. The world might look very different post coronavirus but a  stinking good PhD will still count as a stonking good PhD.
When events are trying to constantly trying to pull your attention outwards, it is a struggle to go inwards. But going inwards is essential for salvation. Its not a question of whether I will be able to manage it but how soon and how easily. 

Furniture Hunting

In the early hours of today, I had a micro-epiphany. I realised my anxiety about the coronavirus would substantially reduce if I had a decent set-up to work from home. So, there was no point in dilly-dallying over buying a desk and chair.

While my anxiety reduced after taking this decision, I was still too distracted by the virus to get anything done during the day. I left for my yoga class early to hunt for furniture and it didn't go well. Turns out most second-hand furniture shops sell pretty-looking furniture, not the sturdy no-frills furniture that I was looking for. I peeped into two shops, and entered three, but I couldn't find a table that was the right size. Disappointed, I skulked away to my yoga class, which fortunately, picked me up and pumped me with beans.

After dinner, I went online to look for a desk, and after an hour of faffing, I found one. After a few minutes of pondering, I decided to message the seller, who responded promptly, and I sealed the deal. 

Stress Response

As someone who has suffered from mild anxiety for the past few years, I have learnt that anxiety and stress can manifest in various ways. For me, the symptoms have been light-headedness, chest pain, and the most common of all--an uneasy but not upset stomach. Currently, I am again facing some symptoms which I hope are being caused by stress. If not, I will have to go to doctor, which will be next to impossible for the next few months as the NHS deals with coronavirus. I have a pain in both my wrists and my hands feel stiff. Mild headaches and low energy are my other symptoms.
It has been a stressful few weeks and is likely to get more so in the next couple of weeks and coronavirus likely brings life to a halt. Well, time to gird myself for the coming days and weeks.

CV Files

The Coronavirus situation is spiraling downwards faster than anyone can imagine. A few weeks ago, news reports say it was supposed to peak around Easter. Now, the whole of Italy is going to be under lockdown. People are talking about closing schools and offices in the UK, and people are being encouraged to work from home. 'Self-isolate' has become the word of the year. 

As a foreigner with a history of anxiety who lives in a shared house, I am obviously dreading catching the infection. I don't want to spend two weeks cooped up in my room. But, there is nothing I can do except wash my hands more. My hands are already chafed from all the  extra-washing. If the virus spreads so easily, if it is like a ghost, nothing is fool-proof protection against it. One has to surrender to fate, while of course taking all the necessary  precautions. A rule of thumb of life is it seldom turns out as bad as you fear or as well as you hope. And, tough situations bring forth hidden reserves of fortitude. 

Pat on the Back

This year so far has not been easy for me. Apart from the fact that the government has gone full rogue in India, I have had to contend with falling behind in the write-up phase of my  PhD, and an assortment of quibbles such as a colleague's worsening mental health, an exasperating housemate, the loneliness of a PhD, and now coronavirus. These might seem trivial but they have come in quick succession and loomed large over my life at the time when they were current. By all indications, this year is going to get tougher. I am girding myself for the possibility that I might not be a able to take a break from Bristol for months, which would actually be the best-case scenario. The worse-case scenario would be to be quarantined and be stuck in my house. The worst-case scenario, of course, would be to catch the virus and fall severely ill, or die.
At this point, I feel it is important to acknowledge that I have dealt with the stressful situations like a champ and I am really proud of myself. Despite a succession of setbacks and blows I have managed to stay on an even keel and soldier on with my PhD. I have shown tremendous fortitude and the ability to be kind to myself. I haven't gone running in panic to anyone, although I will feel no shame in doing so it if comes to that. I really do think that I am coping with life well. These tough times won't last but the lessons learnt during them will. 

Housemate From Hell

Last night, I woke up to the sound of one of my housemates chatting with her male companion for the evening and I had trouble going back to bed. At least, I don't wake up to the sound of her howling in the midst of coitus, which happened about two weeks back. I was fuming in the morning and decided to leave her a polite  but firm note after checking with my housemates.
One realizes how long one's tether is as one reaches the end of it. She has been far from a model housemate but since I had recently moved in and tend to avoid confrontation, I held my peace. But, today, all the times she had been inconsiderate and annoying came flooding back to me.
I can feel this is going to get ugly. Someone who is so inconsiderate isn't going to change her ways easily. She is a drama queen, so her reaction will be angry or tearful or both. I could do with the added stress in my life: being stuck in my PhD, coronavirus, India going down the tube and my PhD colleague's slow descent into insanity. But, we have no choice. We have given away too much ground as it is and if we were to cede any more we wouldn't be left with any to even stand on. This housemate has abused  our tolerance. We have as much right to be here as she does. She should be the one who is afraid, not me.
I might not sleep well tonight either. She is not back yet, and there is a chance she will come back in the middle of the night and raise a ruckus. I have already decided that I won't confront her in the middle of the night. So maybe I won't sleep well tonight either. So what. It won't be the end of the world. I have dealt with far worse insomnia when I was battling with anxiety. I didn't sleep well for months. This is nothing compared to that.

Personal Choice vs Social Transformation

Does the fight against climate change hinge on individual making lifestyle changes or on a largescale transformation of corporations?The easy answer is both. But, those that believe that  individuals will have to make substantial lifestyle changes are often shot down as apologists for corporations. This evening I watched a video of a talk on the question of whether to have kids amid the climate crisis. The author was firmly in the corporations-must-change camp, so all personal choices,including whether to have kids, were besides the point.

This a topic I am extremely interested in. Firstly, I do believe the fight against climate change will require substantial lifestyle changes from middle and upper classes, especially in the affluent West. It is very  likely that these changes will make life substantially less comfortable, even if more fulfilling. These lifestyle changes cannot happen without a transformation of capitalism and vice versa. I don't see how anyone can divorce personal  consumption decisions from broader capitalist processes. What could be more anti-capitalistic than a personal decision to cut consumption? The question is will the middle-class climate warriors in the West be willing to make those sacrifices?

Secondly, on the topic of whether to have kids. The author dismissed all calls of population control as variations of eco-fascism, which I think is simplistic. For centuries, marriage and children have been markers of stability and adulthood across cultures. That remains overwhelmingly the case, except in middle-class green circles. To resist any attempt to challenge these norms as eco-fascism seems excessive.

And, finally, I would like it if people accepted that their positions may be compromised due to their vested interests. For isnstance, the portrayed her decision to have a child as the result of an emotional and reflective journey. Her points would have carried more weight if she was a childless woman who doesn't want children. 

Anyone who decides to have kids is making the decision in the context of their present lifestyle, which is carbon-intensive. No one can imagine what a less carbon-intensive lifestyle would entail. 

Omlettes

This morning, while proscrastinating, I came across a short BBC Comedy mash-up from a show which featured clips about a woman's love for cooking omlettes. And,  it stuck me how long it has been since I had had an omlette. Growing up, I had omlettes pretty regularly. Our cook was a man who had started working for my mother's family from the time she was a girl. He had a heart of gold but cooking wasn't his strong suit. His cooking was so ordinary that I would survive by foraging in other people's tiffins at school.
Except his omlettes, which were really good. Yes, they were oily and one could argue that that was why they tasted so good. But, I remember those omlettes with fondness and they are a happy childhood memory. 

Envy and Jealousy

I read a fascinating piece on white envy, which was written in the aftermath of the murder of a successful black family in France, with racism being the admitted motive. The piece was about white envy as the driving force for many white-on-black crimes The author of the piece had inspired another blog post about the dynamic between race and attractiveness. But what got me thinking was the difference between jealousy and envy.

If I experience jealousy, I experience a fear of loss or a sense of deprivation which I cannot tolerate, I therefore seek to possess the object triggering the jealous feelings. If one experiences envy on the other hand, there is a sense of being bereft rather than deprived. I am not sure one can obtain what is envied or at least that one thinks one can obtain it, not without doing harm. One therefore makes no move to possess but, to spoil.

In other words, jealousy is aspirational, envy is toxic bitterness. As someone who struggles with jealousy occasionally, I was intrigued. Now, whenever I feel an emotion that vaguely resembles jealousy/envy I will be pushed to ponder which of those it is.