Double Blow

 If yesterday's dominant sentiment was "I am never going to finish my PhD", today's dominant sentiment is "I am not going to make it home this Christmas". I had plans to work furiously on my PHD today, but after the news that India is going to bring in airport PCR tests and 7-day quarantine, it knocked the air out of me. This was suposed to be the period when I start counting down towards departure date ith rising excitement. Now, its just going to be succession of anxieties until or if I make it home. Borders can be closed within a day's notice. Maybe I should have travelled during the summer instead of trying to finish my PhD, considering how swimmingly well that is going. 

Swinging between Hope and Despair

 I got the conceptual section of my PHD back from supervisor today and it came covered in red ink. That was not a complete surprise because I was not happy with it when I sent it. I was simply fed up of it. Anticipation dulls the surprise element of a shock but does little else. Since then, I have been swinging between hope and despair. I leapt into action and finished my infographics trading to clear my slate for the next few days. But, after returning home, I spent a good amount of time wallowing in thoughts such as "I will never finish my PhD", " I will need another year's extension if I don't finish by Jan-end", "m supervisor is useless", "Even if I finish my PhD, how will I ever have the confidence to write an academic paper again". I thought a good cry would help, but I wasn't able to muster the tears. That old trick of watching youtube videos of children in cancer hospitals singing Fight Song isn't working anymore. The next few days are going to be a whirlwind of emotions--Frustration and dejection with my PhD punctuated with hope-filled bursts, Covid fears, indecisiveness. There is nothing to do but throw myself in. 

Mainstream Micro Struggles

 I have never studies mainstream micro as an undergrad. I taught half a semester as an undergrad but that was piddly stuff compared to this. These people tach mainstream economics quite soundly. You can question how useful it is, but they know their stuff. The logic is sound, they are clear about their assumptions, and they have a reasonably good idea of what's happening in the real world. And, I must admit, I am having to exert myself to keep up. I am having to learn so that I can teach and realizing that there are different layers of understanding, even for introductory economics concepts. I shouldn't reach the deeper layers at the first go. But every iteration deepens my understanding of the issue. I am struggling so that my students don't suffer because of my disillusionment with mainstream economics. It is also a humbling experience. Sometimes, we dismiss something as unsound just because we don't understand it. And unsound is not the same as unrealistic and useless, which I still believe mainstream economics is, for the most part. 

Death

I got news today that a family friend battling with late-stage cancer in India passed. Her kids are my age. Her lung cancer wasn't detected till a few weeks ago, possibly because people with coughs have been told to stay away from doctors. In this pandemic, I have learnt that there are certain no-go areas of the imagination which must be avoided because my imagination is not powerful enough to contemplate those possibilities fully, and if it was, the contemplation would be too painful. So imagining those possibilities is either a frivolous exercise or an exceedingly painful one. Possibilities such as what if that had been one of my parents or my sister in that situation. 

Zero Fucks To Give

I always thought my officemate was a straight-as-a-arrow nerd. I was right about the nerd part but he is not as rule-abiding as I thought he was. It turns out he told his class not to bother submitting the formative assignments, and now I have a newfound respect for him. Like me, he is on a "teaching" track where we are supposed to give students as much care and attention as would a private school, and gives zero fucks. He skips seminar questions he doesn't like and now this. I should take some lessons from him. Grading on one of the modules has caused me a lot of grief and I need to remind myself not to care so much about it. if the unit director thinks my marks are too low, I can bump the grades up, I don't care. You want me to give a mediocre assignment an 80, I will, I don't care. I refuse to see your comments on my grading as a reflection of my ability because I am not doing my best and I don't want to do my best. I am not going to build a career in this place so I just need to make sure I don't screw up. Don't be the last to turn grades in, don't pick fights with students or staff, don't bring unwanted attention to yourself. This is just a landing pad as I come out of my PhD. That's all it is. 

Twitter Friend

 I went for drinks with my office colleagues yesterday, The evening started off slowly but it wasn't too bad. I had a decent enough time. I don't think I will be fast friends with any of them, but they are decent people for the most part. I don't mind hanging out with them once in a while. And, then, today, I met someone I know who Twitter. And, it turns out her brother and I were roommates at a summer school. Small world indeed. 

Good Day

'Everything is cyclical', as Adrienne says. After a lousy day yesterday, the pendulum swung back. Today, was a good day. My teaching session went well, grading was not as tedious as I imagined, and every day brings me closer to home. Also, it turns out every tutor had a lousy seminar session yesterday, and as a result the unit director has decided to redo next week's session. Even yesterday, I knew my cause for distress was unfounded and that the session would bomb for every tutor, but it was heartening to see confirmation today. The trials and tribulations of this semester are not over yet. How quickly I can get through my work depends, for a large part, on two other people, and they could yet be a source of frustration. But, it is important to keep in mind that everything is cyclical, there are good days and there are bad days, sometimes there are many bad days in succession, but that doesn't mean the good days will never come back. 

Dog Day Indeed

It was indeed a dog day. My seminar went horribly, with even my best students struggling to keep up. I know it was not my fault. Even before the seminar, I knew it was going to be tough going. But, I am sick of being proved right when I anticipate the bad stuff, and wrong when I anticipate good stuff. Everything that I expect to be difficult is every bit as difficult. Every thing that I expect to be easy also turns out to be more difficult. I know its a job for life, and I keep telling myself that I should care less. My priority should be to survive and finish my PhD. Not impress anyone. DO enough to stay out of trouble. You cannot inspire and open the minds of your students by teaching this economics. If not you, someone else will confuse them, bore them to bits, disillusion them, or corrupt them so that they start believing that what they study is worthwhile, even important. This is not a job for life. This is not a job for life. This is not a job for life. 

Dog Day Tomorrow

 Tomorrow is going it be gruelling. Six hours of teaching, in a repeat of my birthday Monday. The night before my birthday was also when my second run of bad sleep started. which led me to get a sleeping ills prescription a few weeks later. But, I am sleeping better now, aided no doubt, by the knowledge that every day brings me closer to the end of a soul-sapping term and to my India visit. I still have a lot of work over the next four weeks, but come December, the excitement for the holidays will propel me forward. The lgiht at the end of the tunnel shines brighter every day. As for tomorrow, I have resolved to take a 10 minute toilet break in the middle of each session. Sit on the pot, put my earphones on, and listen to some music. Carve some relaxation time out for myself. Leave as soon as I am done for the day, and take the edge off with a beer in the evening. 

Patience With Students

Over the past two semesters, I have discovered that I am good at interacting with students. This is based on how students respond to me. I have always known that I have a knack of explaining things well, a kill no doubt honed during my time as a journalist. But, here I am talking about my blackboard-side manner. I have a good board-side manner. However, I am still an introvert and long interaction with students sap the energy out of me. Yesterday, I spent one hour teaching a boy who had missed some students and am pretty sure had made no effort to catch up. Since he has taken a liking to me (he was the one who said he he was lucky to have me as a personal tutor) I feel a little guilty being annoyed at him. But, he did irritate the hell out of me yesterday. However, I did not let my irritation show, and that is all that matters. There will obviously be times when students test my patience and/or annoy me. Fortunately, I don't ahvev an anger management problem and can mask my irritation well. 

Words of Validation

 Today, for the first time since I joined, a senior colleague complimented my work. Maybe she was just being nice, but so what? You feel nice when people are nice to you. I keep telling myself all that matters is I don't do a terrible job. The university in in chaos and everyone is too busy dealing with their own shit. It is easy to stay below the radar if you don't screw up massively. But, being invisible has its benefits but also costs. I don't feel like part of the department at all, and while my personality is more suited than most to deal with alienation of this sort, it does chaff sometimes. Also, I am working hard and its good to receive acknowledgement of my efforts. 

Strike Action

News came this evening that UCU will be striking for three days next month. My first reaction was relief that I don't have face-to-face teaching on those days, so I won't have to break a picket line. I can quietly hide away at home. I remember I spent an anxious morning last week wondering what I would do if a strike was called. It was a case of be damned (by the department) if I did, and damned (by my conscience if I don't. Obviously, this predicament is not going to go away, and it will likely hit me some time next year. But, I will cross that bridge when I come to it. There are many bridges ahead of me and the world, and there is no point in thinking about them until they materialize. In fact, not thinking about them may be an essential survival skill. Right now, I am just focussed on surviving till my India trip. 

Cracking On

I used to think that the response to a stressful situation is usually to take a step back, be kind to yourself and all that jazz. But, lately, I have observed that backing away can make a stressful or overwhelming situation more stressful. Today, for instance, I was feeling overwhelmed by how much I have to do at work. I considered quitting for the day and going home. But, then, I decided to slog and flog  the stress out of the overwhelming situation until it became or at least felt more manageable. And, it worked. That has been the pattern over the past few weeks. Working has been giving me a reprieve from stress. I  don't know if this is sustainable and whether I am setting myself up for a burnout. Or, if I have become better at judging when to  push and when to back off. 

Busy Two Weeks Ahead

 The next two weeks are going to be busy. Heavier teaching load, some grading and my PhD. Once I am on the other side, my India trip will be within shouting distance. All I have to do is hang in there. Exactly on week ago, I  was gripped by anxiety and didn't sleep  a wink that night. I had to teach a class the next day and also deal with the bullshit about taking leave to go to India. There will be nasty surprises in the net two weeks. But, the light at the end of the tunnel will  provide succour to me. I just have to pace myself, remember to breathe and remember to laugh from time to time. 

Mind-Body: Which follows which

The mind-body connection is endlessly fascinating and often disturbing. On Sunday, I suddenly started feeling cold and trembling. My  first instinct was that I was coming down with something, but it wasn't that familiar under-the-weather feeling that prompts me to take a crocin. This was something else and by night time I knew what it was because I didn't sleep a wink. It was good ole anxiety. I had to teach the next day, which made it worse. I thought it would taper down after I had finished my class, but it got worse, and Monday night was a bad night too. I mended fences with one of my housemates because I wanted to borrow weed from him, but the weed made it worse. I started having proper tremors. In the past few days, I have been taking half a sleeping pill before bed. Which brings me to the subject of today's blog. In my mind, I  know this ordeal will end in a few weeks, and I will see my family after more than two years. All my worries--about the visa, about getting a month away--proved to be unfounded. My work load is not as bad as it was a few weeks ago. So, if mind is, or should be, more at ease, why is my body behaving this way? Is it just the accumulated stress that is now showing because I am struggling to stay afloat? Trying to fathom the ways of the mind and the body is an ambitious exercise. In the depths of sleeplessness, one feels like one will never sleep soundly again. That every evening will be accompanies by sleep anxiety. That the smallest hiccup will keep one up all night. One feels frazzled and fragile. 

Iss Himalaya Se koi Ganga Niklani Chahiye

I've recently discovered some inspiring shayaaris and I can't get the one I heard today out of my head. The first line goes: The pain has mounted beyond bearing, must melt now. The Himalaysa must part and the Ganga must flow. It is a prayer for seismic social change--no compromises, no half measures. The old social order must be uprooted.  'its not enough that the wall has started to shake like a curtain. It must be uprooted from the foundation' I couldn't help but think that it fitted my situation with the PHD. The pian has become unbearable, it must melt now and the Ganga (my phD) must flow out of this mountain. 

Pot Remedy

 Last night I didn't sleep a wink. I haven't slept well since the beginning of September, but this night was the worst since 2017. When you don't sleep well you feel like a zombie the next day. I had to teach today, and I have often noticed that I sleep badly on Sunday nights. But, I knew I had to plow on and I didn't let it affect my teaching. I even had a bit of a boost when I booked my tickets to India. But, when that high died down, my anxiety came back in full force. I could even feel myself trembling with anxiety. Another sleepless night didn't sound so appealing, so I borrowed a joint from my housemate. But, it seems to have made my anxiety worse rather than better. Maybe I will have to see a doc and get on anti-anxiety meds. 

Eye Of A Storm

 At yoga last week, the instructor talked about how we need to be the eye of the coming storms. Since we can't expect any help from the world, we will need to find equanimity from within. I am doing yoga, I am trying to keep myself healthy, but I need to do better with self-talk. I don't think I tell myself enough how well I have coped over the past week/month/year/years. I am doing the best I can in a tough situation, and that's all I can do. I need to remind myself of how well I have weathered past storms, and I have weathered most of them alone. I have got post-it notes stuck right above my computer, and I haven't looked at them in months. "Trust", "Accept", "I've got this", "be open", But, I'm here", "Let It be", "I Enjoy". I need to look at them more. 

COP26 Protest

When a friend asked me if I wanted to come along to the COP26 protest with him, his family and friends, I was initially reticent. I thought it would be a white family affair, and as a single non-white person I would feel out of place. But, then I decided to go along just to do something different this weekend. My initial suspicion was right, and the bike ride to the centre was very much a white family affair and I felt very much out of place. But, things got better after that. It was interesting to observe what kind of people were there, what protest signs were they carrying, etc. And, it was nice to be around kids for a change. On the way back from the protest we stopped over at a pub for beer and snacks and we had a very pleasant time. I had plans to work on my PhD as well as prep for Monday teaching, but I didn't do either, and I am glad I didn't. I needed a break. I have realised that forcing myself to work just means that I end up whiling away a lot of time, so I am going to consciously try to work fewer hours, and see if that boosts my productivity. There is all this talk about showing up everyday, but someone like me doesn't need to make an effort to show up. Someone like me has to make an effort to not show up and avoid mental or physical burnout. 

Nearly Run Over

 I was nearly run over by a speeding car on my bike yesterday, and right outside my house. I was to the right of my line and signalling to turn right. I heard a car come up behind me and assumed he was going to overtake me from the left. Instead, he came from the right and brushed so close to me that his mirror hit my handlebar and came off. My first reaction, I hate to admit, was fear of confrontation, so I was actually relieved he drove away. The car behind him stopped to make sure I was okay, bless him. After the day, week, month(s) I have had, I didn't need this brush with death or life-changing injury. But the operative word is brush. It could have been MUCH MUCH worse, and I should be thanking my stars. This took me back to an incident from years ago, when my roomie and I narrowly avoided running over a cyclist in India. I am going to quote from that blog post. 

And suddenly I didn’t feel so bad any more. At least no one was dead. As long as there is life there is possibility. Things are never as bad as they are made out to be. As long as there is life you can always retire to fight another day.

And, this is important to remember. As long as there is life, you can always retire to fight another day. Maybe when that incident happened my nerves weren't as frazzled as they are today, but as the blog makes clear, I was far from  happy even then. I took some positive lessons from that incident. What has happened, has happened. Either, you can keep replaying it in your head, or you can draw lessons from it and move on. I am in one piece (although the car isn't. What are the odds that in a collision between a car and a bike, the car comes off worse?). This is not a call to ignore what happened, and try to shut it out of your brain. It is to draw lessons from it, learn from your mistakes or think about what you could have done differently even if you were not at fault. And, move on. Mistakes are meant to learnt from now, not constantly replayed in your head. 

And the more practical moral of the story? Be more careful. I have been feeling quite uppity on my bike lately, feeling superior to car owners stuck in traffic as I whiz past. To be honest, I have been showing off, which is pretty silly, since I am sure the car owners barely notice, and even if they do, I am sure they are more annoyed than impressed. I need to be more careful and less of a show-off. And, never ever turn without looking back to check if there is a car about to run you over, even if you have control of the lane, even if you are signalling. 

Submitting My First Grading

This morning when I woke up, I saw an email from a professor teaching for the distribution of my grades. Cue anxiety that I had been overly generous with my grades. My mean was 65 and median 67. Surely, that is too high? So, imagine my relief when she responded saying hers was very similar. But, this unit has a habit of springing bad if not nasty surprises, so it turned out that I would have to grade 7 assignments that were submitted late. That took up the rest of the afternoon, but at least I didn't have to entangle myself in the assignments I had already graded to adjust the marks downwards. In the evening, I uploaded the grades. I am 95% sure I have messed up somewhere. either in the form of garbled feedback or grades on the feedback sheet and on the marksheet not matching. I have been writing my PhD and have been discovering howlers on readbacks. My brain feels like mush a lot of the time, so that's no surprise. About messing up on the grading, I have been telling myself that it will be fine. Everyone makes mistakes even in the best of times, and we are some worlds away from that. I am doing my best in a chaotic world and holding myself up to normal world standards is unreasonable. And, the fiddly grading process was particularly error-prone to make matters worse. So, when (or if) mistakes are discovered, the only thing to do is accept them, apologize and move on. Of course, I could have checked every file again individually. and, watch my head explode. 

Residence Permit Arrives

 My resident permit came in the post today, much to my relief. What should be a mere formality feels like a big achievement. I hadn't got a peep from the home office since they sent an email two weeks ago saying my visa has been approved. Then I got an email this afternoon saying my BRP was on its way and my courier would contact me with the details. The mail lifted me from a PhD-induced slump and I managed to do some work on my PhD in the afternoon. Then, when I got home, I found the residence permit in the mail, which made me jump with joy. As I was telling a friend, I am feeling more relieved than I did after finding out I had got the Bristol uni job. This permit is definitive proof that I will be able to live in the UK for the next three years at least. This is where I want to be. Also, it means I will be able to travel to India to visit my family over the winter holidays. Yes, this month will be hectic as hell. I will have to juggle PhD-writing with the work I know about and other work which may be bestowed upon me. But, next month, God willing, I will see my family. And, hopefully, the anticipation of seeing them will give my PhD wings.