Solidarity

Yesterday, I attended a panel discussion on solidarity in Europe. It was quite an interesting discussion and I am glad I went. Some speakers raised the difference between solidarity and charity and how the former was preferable to the latter. But, when but I found it curious that they only talked about refugees and asylum-seekers. I am going to say something controversial here, while fully acknowledging my privilege as a white-collar immigrant. Unlike refugees, I didn't go through untold honours to reach England, except for some mild hazing from the  Home Office. But, the talk made it sound like only people of colour who were in distress were worthy of solidarity (or charity). One must acknowledge that the refugees who make it to Europe are privileged in their countries of origin and have the resources to make the expensive trip to Europe. The least privileged die in their crisis-stricken homelands.
My specific question to the panel would have been--do you believe in open borders and is it possile to conceive of a EU with open borders? Or is Europe only for Europeans and for a few deserving non-Europeans. What is a European identity that isn't irreducible to whiteness? Isn't solidarity typically invoked against a common enemy, and if not, what is the difference between solidarity and empathy or charity? 

Confrontation

I avoid confrontation, partly because the misanthrope in me avoids unnecessary human contact and partly because I am sensitive. Some people can walk away from a war of words with their  pulse rate intact. I wish I was one of them. While I don't see myself as a doormat and am capable of standing up  for myself I go to great lengths to avoid unpleasantness especially if it is someone with whom I have ongoing contact. This is not a particularly desirable quality in a man so I try to dress it as misanthropy. Unless one is the Buddha, confrontations are inevitable. To be sure, some confrontations are best avoided, some are not. Feisty folks need to pipe down, submissive folk need to step up sometimes. Is there an alternative to this feisty-meek dichotomy? Can one choose to be one or the other, depending on the situation? Can one confront with equanimity and be meek with dignity? Firm, but kind? Speak out against injustices while talking the language of love?

Two Years of Yoga With Adrienne

The two-year anniversary of my Yoga with Adrienne journey passed without me even noticing. The anniversary was one week ago, but yoga has become such a part of my life that I have stopped congratulating myself for keeping at it. Barely a day passes when  I don't do yoga. I don't get up from the mat feeling blissful every time because if I did, it would be a drug. Over the past year, I have had fewer moments of anxiety than in the previous year. Maybe I have become better at dealing with it, maybe I have just been plain lucky. Whatever the reason, I don't do yoga with quiet desperation, like I used to during the first year when I was afraid the demons would start their devilish dance. Yoga now has a comforting familiarity. In coming years, I am sure my relationship with yoga will change. Maybe I will start following another yoga channel, maybe I will join a different yoga class. It is difficult to imagine, when I am still so attached to the class and the Yoga with Adrienne channel. But, if I can be honest, YWAs postures have begun to feel a little repetitive. Maybe my body and mind will ask for some other form of nourishment. Whatever happens, I will always be grateful for what YWA has given me. 

Flight, Fight or Forgive

I was surprised when I realized that I haven't written about forgiveness before, considering how much I struggled with it not so long ago. The target of my ire was one of the most important people in my life and along the way, I learned that it was more a question of acceptance than forgiveness. Acceptance of myself, and of that person. I am still not  clear about the difference between the two. Is forgiveness reserved for certain grave actions or words and acceptance for general personality traits? I spent much of yesterday consumed with antipathy towards two people, which spilled over to today. I feel it is very difficult to be angry with someone without being at least a little angry at yourself for letting them treat you that way. There are only three options when faced with an undesirable situation or disagreeable behaviour. Flight, fight or forgive. Remove yourself from the situation, confront the person or find a way to forgive them and move on. Of course, our capacity to forgive is far from infinite. And repeatedly calling upon our powers of forgiveness can weigh on our nerves as well as self-respect. Knowing which option to pick is easier said than done, but it is useful to frame the choice as of three options.
All the three options are not mutually exclusive. For instance, one can opt for forgiveness while at the same time choosing to put some distance between oneself and the offending person. But this framework limits the horizon of options and hopefully brings more clarity to the issue. 

Prizes and Conceit

Prizes bring out a hidden competitive streak in me. Today, I didn't win the prize for best presentation, but received gushing praise from a number of audience members. After the presentation but before the prize ceremony I could feel my head swell with conceit. I felt invincible at the time and didn't like feeling that way. Pride comes in the way of good research as it blinds you. And, the prouder you become, the smaller is the universe of  work you think deserves your attention. I sometimes struggle to deal with pride, even though I am assume that being aware of this problem is an achievement in itself. I am 100% sure that had I achieved great success when I was younger I would have been insufferable. Occasional failures for some people are not just inevitable but essential. There is no point in feeling guilty about conceit. Feelings always give to other feelings.

Hard to Say Sorry

Can some South Asian/African men go through life without ever saying sorry? I believe they can. Or at least they can without ever saying sorry to a woman, especially from their family. Is it a cultural thing? And does it matter if other cultures express contrition with other words or with non-verbal actions? Is it necessary for every culture to atomize the individual and put his or her emotions on a pedestal? This is a tricky one and possibly requires a level of anthropological insight that is beyond me. But, human interaction always carries the risk of causing hurt or offence. If the offence is unintentional, it is necessary to make amends in some way. If someone can consistently get away without making amends, it indicates an exploitative relationship. I do believe power differentials are universal and span cultures. There might be cultures that do not see justice for an individual as being of paramount importance. But, once exposed to ideas such as liberty, equality and justice, can one ever go back to being ignorant of such ideas. At the minimum, one would desire all these for oneself. What was supposed to be a rant against the structutral misogyny of South Asian and African societies has turned into an extremely knotty discussion. Ah well!

Mavericks and Oddballls

Yesterday, I watched a news story about an Indian magician trying to replicate one of Harry Houdini's escape tricks. He was to be lowered into the Hooghly river in Kolkata with his arms and legs trussed up like a turkey. In footage of him before the stunt, he says in Bengali that if he is able to escape it would be magic, else tragic. He had bright orange flowing hair,, a pencil-thin moustache and wore a  red band around his head that was adorned with medals. His stunt costume comprised a bright yellow jumpsuit, red shorts and a swimming camp. The footage ends as he is lowered into the water, eyes closed and taking gulps of air. He never resurfaced. His body was found a few days later washed on the river shore about a one kilometre downstream.
He was a comic figure who probably earned his living performing in circuses in small towns. In an India engulfed in right-wing madness, he feels like a quaint figure representing sanity. The oddball impervious to the madness around him, free in his own world. When you feel like you are not fighting groups or ideologies, but fighting an age, fighting a world that you are only physically a part of but which appears alien to you in every other respect, perhaps the best strategy is to build a world of your own. Draw comfort from the magical, the fantastical. Magic does not represent an escape from the real world but is a world in its own right. Oddballs do engage with the world at large, but strictly on their own terms. When you don't seek affirmation or validation from the outside world, when even the threat of or actual violence cannot force you back into that world, when you are immune to  ridicule and censure, the outside world has little power over you. I am sure I am projeccting my nihilism on the dead magician. Well, so what?

Self-Aggrandizers

I always thought working for one of Rupert Murdoch's companies was excellent training in navigating office politics, but now I am not so sure. I feel naive for believing that academics were too guileless for political machinations. That they may be, but even inept maneuvering can be extremely irritating. I always thought I was zen enough not to be bothered by rookie politicking, but not any more. Academia seems to be teeming with self-aggrandizing mediocrities and they can be infuriating to be around. As much as I like to think that I am skilled enough to handle them, it must be acknowledged that dealing with them requires emotional energy. Fortunately, tolerance for bad behavior within academia is rapidly shrinking. People are realizing that intelligence is not compensation enough for obnoxiousness. Even if obnoxiousness stems from insecurity, as is often the case, your insecurity is not other people's problem. 

Jokey McJokeFace

I have never been the class jester/clown and neither have I ever fancied myself as one. It has long been clear to me that in order to find someone funny, you need to like them first. The question of wit, comic timing and ability to read the audience arises only if likeability can been established. My introverted personality doesn't exude the warmth that paves the way for likability, and so the question of being a jester seldom arises. This fact has never bothered me.
However, I have noticed myself taking up the mantle of jester with increasing frequency in the past six-eight months. This usually happens either when I am in the company of people I get along well with or when I am bored in a group. Entertaining with quips that border on meanness is not a very pleasant thing to do, and I try to restrain myself. But during the recent summer school in Italy, I found myself unable to control myself.
It wasn't like I was bored. But, being perceived as funny and witty is addictive and when my jokes drew a few laughs I felt the need to continue and push the envelope. I frequently made jokes that crossed the border between mean and sardonic and felt a little guilty afterwards. There are many kinds of funny. There is the center-of-attention, good-at-miming-and-story-telling kind of  funny. And then there is the more understated quick-witty-response kind of funny where time is of the essence. One doesn't have time to reflect whether one is being inappropriate or mean.
Nonetheless, getting the mix between naughtiness and self-deprecation is tricky. This is a new facet of my behaviour and I don't quite know what to make of it. I am not going to psycho-analyze myself but I want to reflect enough so that I don't turn into a jerk. When you are a man and often in the company of women whom you consciously or unconsciously try to impress, it is a slippery slope to jerkdom by way of wit alley.
Which is why it is best to only crack jokes when you are feeling cheerful and content with the world at large. Else, jokes can easily become an outlet for anger and frustration, which exponentially increases the possibility of causing offence. When one is feeling angry or low, it is best to keep a low profile. 

Back in Bristol

I got back late last night and spent most of today relaxing. It's been almost two weeks since I blogged and I missed it. It was not a lack of time that prevented me from blogging but a lack of private space. I was sharing a room, and I discovered that I find it difficult to blog with someone in close proximity, even if they can't see my screen. Blogging is a private activity even if the final output isn't. 

I feel like blogging has become an emotional anchor of my life. It helps me process thoughts, emotions and events and makes me a more content and, hence, nicer person to be around. When one doesn't have the opportunity to reflect and ruminate, the unprocessed thoughts and emotions usually find their way out in one's words or actions. And, that is usually not a good thing. 

The two-week summer school was an intense experience which has given me a lot of food for blog. I wish I had written down all the ideas that came to me, but I hope I can pick up on at least some of them in the following days and weeks.

Off to Italy

I'm off to Italy to attend a summer school in macroeconomics in the shadow of the Dolomites mountains. My blogging is likely to be intermittent for the next two weeks. I went back to my blog entry before my visit to the same summer school last year. I was apprehensive that it would be heavily modelling-based and I would feel out of place. That apprehension turned out to be true but I did not feel out of place. My research presentation raised some eyebrows but most people were gracious enough to keep their charitable opinions to themselves. The world is changing, macroeconomics is changing, and now is the not the time to scoff at new ideas and new ways of doing economics. The ground is shifting from under the feet of the orthodoxy. I, and the authors I admire, have little interest in overthrowing the orthodoxy. We want to create new knowledge rather than just refute dogma. But, if the orthodoxy comes in our way, we will fight it. I am further along in my research and more confident of its value, which is why I am quite at ease this time around.