House Viewing

 I had a good feeling about the house and my future housemate and it turned out that I was right. He is a shy Brit of my mother's age, and he was a bit awkward before we started talking. I think I will get along well with him, My only reason for hesitation is logistical. The rooms are bit smaller than I would have liked and its a bit further out than I would have liked. Damn these former council houses. So it might turn out that I have to do yoga in the sitting room instead of in my bedroom. And, I might have to significantly reduce the stuff I have, which might not be a bad thing. I have to admit that I am much much more comfortable in this house than I was at John's house. My room is a good size and I have a good amount of storage space for my stuff.  I don't want to overthink this one. The best part about being a renter is the ability and willingness to up and leave whenever you want to have to. I am not going to grow old in this home, and as far as I can tell, it will be a significant improvement over my current living situation. 

On Mental Toughness

I have long believed that some people are born resilient, such as my father, and to a lesser extent my sister. But all hope is not lost for those of us who are not similarly blessed. I read an article on mental toughness the other day. According to it, mental toughness has three components--the existence of tough goals, self-efficacy (the belief that you can reach those goals) and self-control (the ability to resist unhelpful impulses). Self-control can be improved by mindfulness techniques and self-efficacy by positive self-talk. I have long wished to be tougher mentally so I am all ears for any suggestions to improve mental toughness. I think I do quite well on the self-control part but set tougher goals and also do better with self-talk. I don't want to be too hard on myself. My recently concluded PhD saw me miss almost deadline and finish with a PhD that I am not happy with. But a key aspect of mental toughness is the ability to brush off failures and look ahead, not behind.  

First House Viewing in Ages

 I had my first house viewing today, and although I knew I would probably not take the house, in the end, the decision took more thought than I had anticipated. The house was in Redland, a little more worse for wear than the pictures indicated, but not too shabby. A huge bedroom and I would be sharing with just one other person. This evening, I was hit by a momentary pang of regret for turning it down. So, I am going to try to unpack why I turned it down. Firstly, my tummy was not in a good shape yesterday. and I had started googling the cost of private coloscopies. Because they were so expensive, I had looked up prices of flights to India, and figured out how I could fly home for a short period in the middle of the term. I thought I should pause my house hunt till my tummy was tummy issues were sorted. Secondly, I don't like the location, although I should add that this part of town is where the houses with the large rooms are. Thirdly, I found the landlady a bit weird. She loved me, but I got the impression that getting her to fix anything would be a pain. Maybe it was a mistake to turn it down, but I just couldn't go ahead with it. While my stomach is better today, maybe I need to pause my house hunt, until I feel more settled in my head and in my body. 

Being There For Others

 There are many reasons to be there for others; you love them and care for them being the topmost ones. But, I am discovering that being there for others also helps pull you out of the self-preoccupation that inevitably creeps when facing a prolonged illness or adversity. The self-preoccupation that led me to obsessively Google the symptoms for all nasty maladies that afflict the stomach. I did spend an inordinate amount of time doing that , and I can't promise I won't in the future, but that is a blog for another day. Today, its about how talking to others, being present for them, not just when they need you but also when they don't, can be quite rewarding even if the respite it provides is only temporary. The temporary respite can give you some much-needed breathing space and healing space. This is naturally not a call to drown yourself in other people's problems to run away from your own, although, in hindsight, it does sound like it. No, it means being present for those you care about, even if they don't have problems. 

Weighing Scales

 I spent a sizeable amount of time today wondering whether I had lost weight and how to check if I had. Because weight loss is a sign of serious illness, and having had a tummy ache for more thana month, my mind is naturally leaping to contemplate the worse possibilities. But, to my credit, I didn't dump everything and rush home to weigh myself. Because it would have been useless--the scales Bonking Betty left behind are not easy to replace. Neither did I pop into the nearest Boots. I have come to terms with the fact that I am an anxious personality. In the past, I have had stomach trouble, which I guessed was caused by anxiety, but this time feels different. And, the problem seems to be persisting much longer so I have chalked out a plan of action. A PoA makes me feel like I have at least a little control, even if the PoA changes on a daily basis. And, I know that me being the way I am, I don't need to worry about complacence or that I will wait too long before seeking help. If its anything serious (and knock on wood, its not) I know that I will be quite proactive in dealing with it. In fact, too proactive. 

Faking Relief

 I have been saying Yes when people who ask if I am relieved, I have been telling people who don't even ask that I am relieved. The truth is I don't feel relieved, I don't feel anything. I realise that I have done is a tremendous achievement, even if the PhD is eminently flawed. I am not that person anymore who chastizes themselves for not feeling a certain way. But, I am just curious why I don't feel much and that I have to force myself to feel something. That feeling of lightness which I felt after finishing my first draft in April 2021 still eludes me. Maybe I am distracted by my tummy upset, maybe I am distracted by all the other things that I have to put right in my life. But, I hope there is a reason or this phase is temporary, because I am too young to live out the rest of my life cynically, faking enthusiasm and passion. 

PhDone

 I passed my PhD Viva with minor corrections today. The outcome I was afraid of--major corrections-- did not come to pass. I feel quite numb over the whole experience. No euphoria, no sense of massive relief, just nothing. Maybe it will sink in eventually, maybe the sense of futility I feel about most things is a perpetual state from now on. PhDone did not occupy centrestage for he whole of today. My stomach took a turn for the worse again. My upset stomach is something that has been gnawing at me for a while now. I have a feeling that this stomach problem won't go away easily. But, this is just a gut feeling, and I hope its not ture. 

Small Mercies

 So, I got back to Bristol without incident. As I was sitting at Bombay airport waiting for my flight, a part of me was nervous about my upset tummy and another part knew that i would be fine. The first hour of the flight was a bit rough, as my anxiety was in overdrive. But, I managed to calm down, and stated listening to a 7-hour-long podcast, which is ideal for a 10-hour flight. I also managed to start reading The Art of Loving by Eric Frome until I was put off by his homophobia. I even managed to sleep like a baby for about 20 minutes, which never happens in flights, least of all when the middle seat is occupied. So, all in all, it was much better than my flight over. The coach ride to Bristol was pretty good too. I missed the coach that I knew I would be incredibly lucky to catch, but found another soon after. Small mercies, I know, but sometimes you gotta hang on to them.

Back to Bristol

 I went back to the the post I wrote just before I returned to England after my PhD hiatus five years ago. It was also my first post in eight-and-a-half years and marked my return to blogging. The post sounds much more upbeat than I remember feeling at the time. The fact is quite scared to go back to England. I was not sure if I was fit enough mentally or physically to return, but sometimes you just have to quit looking and leap. I was clear that I didn't want to continue living in India, so what alternative did I have? But, I was also afraid that I would go to pieces in England again and come running back to India. But, I didn't and even if I had, it wouldn't be end of the world or even the end of my world. This time I am scared too but not like last year. Last year, all my energies were focused on being able to make it back to Bristol. But I am not in survival mode any more, I am in building more. This evening, my mum asked me what is home for me now? I replied that I need to build more of a home for myself in England. Currently, I am in a place where I definitely don't want to move back to India, but the thought of living in the UK is not particularly pleasant either. I am hoping to change that. 

Back To Blogging

 If I look at the annual tally of my blog posts, this is what it looks like: 2022 (60); 2021 (276); 2020 (292); 2019 (244); 2020 (247). The higher tallies of 2020 and 2021 should be put down to me not going anywhere in 2020 and only to Brighton in 2021. And, 2022 was the year I took a break from blogging. I have written before about how I was discomfited by the extent to which I had exposed myself to the world. There is no point in going over that again. All I can say is I am ready to blogging regularly. 2023 is going to be a year of new beginning. A new job (hopefully), a new house (definitely), a relationship (never say never!). I feel like I have so much to do and so little positive motivation. By positive motivation, I mean running towards something, and not running away from something. When I think about all the things I am trying to run away from (my current house, my current job) I feel overwhelmed. I need the reassurance space that is my blog to put some distance between me and my lived reality and not feel engulfed by it. Maybe my circumstances will change. Maybe I will have a housemate or lover with whom I can muse over worldly matters over a cup of tea in the evenings. Until that happens, I plan to blog regularly. I should have plenty to blog about over the next few days and weeks as my India trips always give me a lot of intellectual fodder. After that, its just a question of keeping up with the habit.