This Thesis Will Write Itself

 This thesis will write itself and in its own time. How is that for a radical idea? After another minimally productive day of writing I am coming around to the idea that this thesis will write itself, sometimes in trickles, and sometimes in waves. All I can do is show up regularly and keep my spirits up on bad days. I can berate myself about my slowness, laziness, lack of discipline, lack of smarts, etc. etc. I can rue another self-imposed deadline missed. Or I can choose not to. 

The other day the thought cam eot me that writing a thesis is like climbing a high-altitude mountain. I am not a mountaineer but I have been high enough to feel the headaches, slight breathlessness and lethargy that high altitude brings. I had read somewhere long ago that mountaineering is not pleasant in the moment. Nothing pleasurable about the bright blinding sun, screaming eyes, every sinew telling you to stop and turn back. Mountaineering's pleasures are experienced through one's memories of the experience not the experience itself. Is thesis writing similar?

I am pretty sure I will look back on these days of near-absolute intellectual freedom with fondness. The freedom to wander, meander, luxuriate in new ideas. Feeling my way from idea to idea, developing my own concepts and tying existing concepts together in inventive ways. Moving imperceptibly but inexorably towards the finish line, and admiring the view even as I grunt under the weight of the intellectual strain. in a world convulsed with fear and panic, rising above the din to engage in a higher intellectual effort. And even if I can't enjoy it, at least being conscious of all aspects of this experience, not allowing myself to be overwhelmed by the unsavvoury bits.