Salvation in Work

This morning, I felt like I was falling to pieces. My laptop conked out last evening, and I was up past midnight trying to get it to work. One of the options, was disconnecting and reconnecting the battery, which entailed taking the whole laptop apart. It took me a good two hours and when I tried to switch it on again, it wouldn't even get to the stage where it was stuck at, which told me that I had screwed up. I spent an agonizing 30 minutes trying to figure out what was wrong, and getting from square minus one back to square one. Naturally, I didn't sleep well last night. A laptop conking out is not an earth-shattering thing, but coming on top of all the other past and present problems and trauma, none of which are earth-shattering on their own, it was too much for me. In the morning, I managed to find a technician who would look at it, but my nerves still felt jangled. Towards noon, I had started to wonder how long I could carry on like this and began to contemplate options stretching from going to India for a visit to tagging along to Cornwall with a friend this weekend. Then, I decided to tried a third option--work. I managed to spend a good few hours immersed in my work. Although my progress was not monumental, I felt much better. I often say to people how glad I am to have had a PhD to keep me occupied through the pandemic. However, over the past few months, I feel like I have stalled, making my PhD more a source of distress than respite from the problems in this world. Today, I felt that the only way to make myself feel better is to work. I don't feel like going to Cornwall, and I don't feel like going to India, not until I finish my PhD.  After two fieldwork trips to India, I had vowed that the next time I visit, it would be without the shadow of an unfinished PhD looming over me. The last time I ran back to India, it was in a different time and I was a different person, even accounting for changes to one's personhood with time. The spectre of that retreat will always haunt me in times of stress even though I have made peace with that event and ceased to be embarrassed by it. I know the pandemic has made everyone' s mental states very volatile, and I might feel very differently a few days or even hours from now. But, for now, the plan is salvation through work.