Today, I made the long coach journey to my aunt's place in Brighton, where I will be spending my winter break. I remember making the same journey two years ago. At the time, I had recently moved to England and had already gone through a nightmarish experience with a landlord. The first weeks of my PhD had been a bewildering experience--I mostly spent them staring at my computer in a dank depressing and mostly empty PhD room wondering what the hell I was supposed to do. I remember pushing my supervisor to land me a teaching job, and being filled with excitement when someone pulled out of teaching a module at the last moment, leaving an opening for me.
But, that Brighton trip was mostly me running away from Bristol, a city which had not been very welcoming to me. I stayed three long weeks in Brighton, and I am sure my aunt would have been sick of me by the end of it. I had a nice enough time with my family during the trip but was dreading having to go back to the landlord and ask for my deposit. At the back of my mind, I knew he would make trouble for me and just the thought of him was triggering. Today, while I was waiting in London for my connecting coach I read a newspaper story about a professor at London Business School who had been stalked by a female. He had had to change his entire routine, avoid going out and installing a panic button in his office. During the female's trial, he had given evidence from behind a screen because he hadn't wanted to come face to face with her. Some might have found it odd that a fit able-bodied man (he ran a bootcamp where he first met the woman) could be reduced to such a mess by a woman. But, I can understand his trauma because I went through a milder form of it it during my run-in with the landlord from hell. Of course, it is quite likely that the professor had a pre-existing mental condition such as anxiety or depression, which flared up when the woman began to stalk him. My experience with the landlord roused the demons in my head, which had laid dormant for a few months. What made it worse was the realization that if I had been "myself" I wouldn't have been that intimidated by him. Being ashamed of my weakness made my condition much worse. Ultimately, I had to go home and reboot, a process which took the good part of a year but which had been immeasurably useful for me. I still wonder how I will react if I come face to face with him again. Will I be petrified, will my anxiety symptoms come roaring back, or will I react in anger and confront him. Or will I just walk on by? Maybe I will fail to recognize him.
Anyway, after that lengthy digression, I am in a completely different frame of mind on this trip and looking forward to time away from my AirBnB.
But, that Brighton trip was mostly me running away from Bristol, a city which had not been very welcoming to me. I stayed three long weeks in Brighton, and I am sure my aunt would have been sick of me by the end of it. I had a nice enough time with my family during the trip but was dreading having to go back to the landlord and ask for my deposit. At the back of my mind, I knew he would make trouble for me and just the thought of him was triggering. Today, while I was waiting in London for my connecting coach I read a newspaper story about a professor at London Business School who had been stalked by a female. He had had to change his entire routine, avoid going out and installing a panic button in his office. During the female's trial, he had given evidence from behind a screen because he hadn't wanted to come face to face with her. Some might have found it odd that a fit able-bodied man (he ran a bootcamp where he first met the woman) could be reduced to such a mess by a woman. But, I can understand his trauma because I went through a milder form of it it during my run-in with the landlord from hell. Of course, it is quite likely that the professor had a pre-existing mental condition such as anxiety or depression, which flared up when the woman began to stalk him. My experience with the landlord roused the demons in my head, which had laid dormant for a few months. What made it worse was the realization that if I had been "myself" I wouldn't have been that intimidated by him. Being ashamed of my weakness made my condition much worse. Ultimately, I had to go home and reboot, a process which took the good part of a year but which had been immeasurably useful for me. I still wonder how I will react if I come face to face with him again. Will I be petrified, will my anxiety symptoms come roaring back, or will I react in anger and confront him. Or will I just walk on by? Maybe I will fail to recognize him.
Anyway, after that lengthy digression, I am in a completely different frame of mind on this trip and looking forward to time away from my AirBnB.
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