Adrienne's words from one of her yoga classes came to me today and I immediately felt a wave of relief. "This is where I am and this is what I am working with".
The day began well. No sooner had I got into work today than I got a mail saying I had been selected for a two-week summer school in Northern Italy. I wasn't expecting it as it was supposed to for advanced PhD students, so I was delighted. I spent the next two hours letting family and friends know and looking up visa rules. But as the day wore on, I began to feel a little stressed as things seemed to be moving too fast. Within five days, I had been invited to two conferences and accepted to summer school. I had my work cut out for the next two months and I didn't seemed to be making much progress with my ongoing writing task. What if I ended up with a shoddy piece of work? What if I wasn't satisfied with my work? Did I deserve so many things going my way?
And then, as I gazed out of my office window, Adrienne's words came to me. Not to be happy with shoddy work but to accept how I am feeling about it today. That insecurities are not just natural but an intrinsic part of the writing process. To have faith that I would pour myself into the project and end up with a satisfactory piece of work. That there was nothing to do but immerse myself in the process and embrace whatever it threw my way. I know I sound kooky but there is something to be said for surrendering. I don't see surrendering as giving up but an acceptance of one's lot at that particular moment. Like taking a breather. Not everything in life has to be a struggle, and certainly not all the time. Hard work and struggle are not synonymous.
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