"If you were anymore laid-back, you would be horizontal", my favourite colleague often says to me. In the past few days, I haven't been feeling very laid-back. It feels like too many things are happening at once and I am struggling to cope. Of course, the things that are stressing me are mostly good things--my conference proposal being accepted, my application to a summer school being accepted. But, I've been forced to reassess my self-image as an unflappable person.
Up to the age of about 12, every small wrinkle in life would send me into a bout of panic and tears. My mother later told me she would worry if I would ever be able to cope with life. Then, my parents sent me to Europe alone to spend time with my aunts, neither of whom I knew very well. Looking back, that felt like a turning point. That summer wasn't easy. I frequently felt lonely and found one of my aunts, who would push me to do things on my own, too harsh. But, overall, I had a good time and I came back a much more confident child. I was still an introvert, still socially awkward, but confident. When I was appointed School Captain my confidence was at its peak and my metamorphosis into a confident unflappable person seemed complete.
The following years were not easy or angst-free by any means, but my self-image as a level-headed (almost stoic) chap remained strong. It was only during the Troubles in my life, that were simmering for long but surfaced about two years ago, that that belief was shaken. In fact, my self-image made anxiety an even more disturbing experience. I struggled to accept my situation, as did many others who also saw me as a "rock".
I am much better now, but still suffer from mild anxiety symptoms from time to time. The fear that the anxiety symptoms will come rushing back, rendering me useless, is especially real during stressful periods such as this.
But, I've realized that the ability to remain stoic no matter what life throws at you is not a virtue, unless you are a stone. Anxiety is not always a sign of weakness or unresolved emotional issues. Sometimes it is just a kick on your rump that you need to spur you into action. Making changes in your life in response to anxiety is not a sign of weakness. What is a sign of weakness is clinging to the idea that you are imperturbable and must remain so no matter what life throws at you. Stress is sometimes just a sign that you need to up your game, operate at a higher level. And, the good thing about having gone to pieces is you know you can put yourself back.
Up to the age of about 12, every small wrinkle in life would send me into a bout of panic and tears. My mother later told me she would worry if I would ever be able to cope with life. Then, my parents sent me to Europe alone to spend time with my aunts, neither of whom I knew very well. Looking back, that felt like a turning point. That summer wasn't easy. I frequently felt lonely and found one of my aunts, who would push me to do things on my own, too harsh. But, overall, I had a good time and I came back a much more confident child. I was still an introvert, still socially awkward, but confident. When I was appointed School Captain my confidence was at its peak and my metamorphosis into a confident unflappable person seemed complete.
The following years were not easy or angst-free by any means, but my self-image as a level-headed (almost stoic) chap remained strong. It was only during the Troubles in my life, that were simmering for long but surfaced about two years ago, that that belief was shaken. In fact, my self-image made anxiety an even more disturbing experience. I struggled to accept my situation, as did many others who also saw me as a "rock".
I am much better now, but still suffer from mild anxiety symptoms from time to time. The fear that the anxiety symptoms will come rushing back, rendering me useless, is especially real during stressful periods such as this.
But, I've realized that the ability to remain stoic no matter what life throws at you is not a virtue, unless you are a stone. Anxiety is not always a sign of weakness or unresolved emotional issues. Sometimes it is just a kick on your rump that you need to spur you into action. Making changes in your life in response to anxiety is not a sign of weakness. What is a sign of weakness is clinging to the idea that you are imperturbable and must remain so no matter what life throws at you. Stress is sometimes just a sign that you need to up your game, operate at a higher level. And, the good thing about having gone to pieces is you know you can put yourself back.
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