I have been off online dating for a month now and don't feel inclined to go back. When I decided to take a break, it was because I had started to take it too seriously, and micro-rejections had started to grate on my self-esteem. But, herein lies the paradox. If you take online dating too seriously, you are likely to get hurt quite often (unless you are quite) lucky because people can be extremely inconsiderate and fickle online. You have to either train yourself to have no expectations or be prepared for frequent disappointments. But, if you don't have any expectations of it, what is the point of being on an online dating website? It is not an inherently pleasurable experience. I suppose few people date online because they love it. It is a means to an end--whether that end is finding a spouse, short-term partner, friend with benefits, or a hook-up--but not an end in itself. If it is an end in itself, a way of distracting yourself from other stuff in your life, then I don't think that is very healthy, either for you or for the people who encounter you. Also, if your attitude to online dating is very casual you should say that upfront because otherwise someone might assume you are looking for something serious and end up getting hurt. I don't imagine many men have the honesty to say that they are only looking for short-term dalliances for fear of putting women off. And, I have a strong suspicion that you have to be quite good-looking and white to say that and still get matched.
When I resumed online dating last year, it was because I was bored. Then, when I returned to the UK, it was a way to meet new people. But, turns out there are less emotionally stressful ways to meet new people, such as Meetup groups. I have learned to temper my expectations from these events as well because platonic rejection can also hurt, even though it might not have the sting of romantic or sexual rejection. I now only choose activities that I am interested in. If I happen to make friends in the process, that is great, but if I don't, no harm done. Such an attitude has made me bolder in my choice of activities as I don't think too much about who else will be there or peruse their profiles to see if they are friendship material. The worst that can happen is I will waste a few hours of my life. I might encounter unpleasant people but that is true of any venture in life. Most of the people who turn up for Meetup events tend to be kind and open-minded because it takes courage to participate in an activity with complete strangers. It is difficult to be mean-spirited when you are in a strange environment, so I suppose the unkind ones weed themselves out. Also, expectations is a two-way street--if you don't have any expectations of other people, you don't owe them anything either, apart from some basic civility. I can always speak up or walk out if I feel too uncomfortable. Of course, that is not an excuse for being unkind or disrespectful. I like to imagine I am neither.
When I resumed online dating last year, it was because I was bored. Then, when I returned to the UK, it was a way to meet new people. But, turns out there are less emotionally stressful ways to meet new people, such as Meetup groups. I have learned to temper my expectations from these events as well because platonic rejection can also hurt, even though it might not have the sting of romantic or sexual rejection. I now only choose activities that I am interested in. If I happen to make friends in the process, that is great, but if I don't, no harm done. Such an attitude has made me bolder in my choice of activities as I don't think too much about who else will be there or peruse their profiles to see if they are friendship material. The worst that can happen is I will waste a few hours of my life. I might encounter unpleasant people but that is true of any venture in life. Most of the people who turn up for Meetup events tend to be kind and open-minded because it takes courage to participate in an activity with complete strangers. It is difficult to be mean-spirited when you are in a strange environment, so I suppose the unkind ones weed themselves out. Also, expectations is a two-way street--if you don't have any expectations of other people, you don't owe them anything either, apart from some basic civility. I can always speak up or walk out if I feel too uncomfortable. Of course, that is not an excuse for being unkind or disrespectful. I like to imagine I am neither.
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