*I'm back after a break. I am not sure if I am up for regular blogging yet as the therapeutic writing continues, so this might be a one-off*
I have previously written in defense of "ghosting"--the term for when someone you met online disappears from your life without so much as a by your leave. But, now I am wondering if we are ill-served by the vocabulary of online dating, most of which describes ways in which people treat each other badly. Terms like Ghosting, Orbiting, Crumbing, etc. As a social scientist, I can understand the temptation to come up with new terms for human behaviour, but in this case, I increasingly feel it is unhealthy.
Matters of the heart are tricky. There are some people you clearly fancy CURRENTLY and there are some people you clearly don't. But between these two clearly demarcated camps lies a vast grey zone consisting of small crushes, people you could see yourself fancying in the future, people you might not make the first move with but would gladly go out with if they did, friends with whom you have a slight sexual chemistry, etc.
Online dating has a lot of insensitive jerks, and I am guessing a majority of them are men. Since I have the good fortune of not having to interact with them, this piece is based on my own experiences of online dating with women.
As I said, matters of the heart are tricky. I don't think most people are actively trying to be mean and insensitive, although I suppose such people do exist. The fact is, and especially in the early stages, people are not sure about how they feel. If someone is sending you mixed signals, chances are they are not playing mind games, but have mixed feelings about you. Whether you like it or not, you are in their "grey zone". And, that is not a bad thing. Maybe you could benefit by taking things a bit slow with someone you are infatuated with? Maybe not push for a relationship with the vision of them you have formed in your head, and wait until you know each other better?
The internet is full of articles about how online dating is a "Game" and the only way to survive is to get in on this merciless Game. It mainly refers to how people string other people along, and keep them on standby until they are sure they have found "The One". "Hedge your bets", as a financial trader would say. And, I can't help but notice the similarity in terminology between online dating and trading in financial assets, which has terms such as shorting, bottom-fishing, etc. Words matter. Adopting the terminology of financial transactions in online dating encourages transactional behaviour in online dating, which is unhealthy, in my opinion.
This doesn't mean you should give a free pass to people who treat you badly--far from it. You are responsible for how people treat you in the medium to long run, especially in the dating world where you have the choice to remove those people from your life. All I'm saying is maybe online dating is not a soul-crushing minefield if you treat yourself and other people with kindness. Romantic and sexual relationships are tricky and there is a strong temptation to assume the worst in a situation as a strategy to inure yourself from potential heartbreak. But does assuming or imagining the worst (in any walk of life) really prepare you for that particular outcome? I don't know.
I have previously written in defense of "ghosting"--the term for when someone you met online disappears from your life without so much as a by your leave. But, now I am wondering if we are ill-served by the vocabulary of online dating, most of which describes ways in which people treat each other badly. Terms like Ghosting, Orbiting, Crumbing, etc. As a social scientist, I can understand the temptation to come up with new terms for human behaviour, but in this case, I increasingly feel it is unhealthy.
Matters of the heart are tricky. There are some people you clearly fancy CURRENTLY and there are some people you clearly don't. But between these two clearly demarcated camps lies a vast grey zone consisting of small crushes, people you could see yourself fancying in the future, people you might not make the first move with but would gladly go out with if they did, friends with whom you have a slight sexual chemistry, etc.
Online dating has a lot of insensitive jerks, and I am guessing a majority of them are men. Since I have the good fortune of not having to interact with them, this piece is based on my own experiences of online dating with women.
As I said, matters of the heart are tricky. I don't think most people are actively trying to be mean and insensitive, although I suppose such people do exist. The fact is, and especially in the early stages, people are not sure about how they feel. If someone is sending you mixed signals, chances are they are not playing mind games, but have mixed feelings about you. Whether you like it or not, you are in their "grey zone". And, that is not a bad thing. Maybe you could benefit by taking things a bit slow with someone you are infatuated with? Maybe not push for a relationship with the vision of them you have formed in your head, and wait until you know each other better?
The internet is full of articles about how online dating is a "Game" and the only way to survive is to get in on this merciless Game. It mainly refers to how people string other people along, and keep them on standby until they are sure they have found "The One". "Hedge your bets", as a financial trader would say. And, I can't help but notice the similarity in terminology between online dating and trading in financial assets, which has terms such as shorting, bottom-fishing, etc. Words matter. Adopting the terminology of financial transactions in online dating encourages transactional behaviour in online dating, which is unhealthy, in my opinion.
This doesn't mean you should give a free pass to people who treat you badly--far from it. You are responsible for how people treat you in the medium to long run, especially in the dating world where you have the choice to remove those people from your life. All I'm saying is maybe online dating is not a soul-crushing minefield if you treat yourself and other people with kindness. Romantic and sexual relationships are tricky and there is a strong temptation to assume the worst in a situation as a strategy to inure yourself from potential heartbreak. But does assuming or imagining the worst (in any walk of life) really prepare you for that particular outcome? I don't know.
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