Intentional Friendship

 There are few topics I have written about more than friendship. As a long-term singleton who has lived abroad for 10 years, friends have been a huge part of my life. My only blog post to go micro-viral (more than 30 views) written18 years ago was on friendship. After reading that post, a person who became my closest friend for the following six years reached out to me. Up to that point, they had though I was an stuck-up dick. Over the years, I have written about the different types of friendship: such as heart friends--people whom I can spend hours and days with and who are close confidantes; intense friendships that ended, with or without fanfare, but which I deeply cherish; friends that I am intensely fond of but who are not confidantes; the challenges of friendship between men and women. So, what better way to break my blogging hiatus than with another post on friendship? Over the weekend, I spent a few days with a potential romantic interest. Pretty quickly, it was clear that romance was not on the cards, but we had some deep conversations and some bracing debates. Conversations which are reverberating in my head even days after our interaction. As we were saying goodbye, I remarked, somewhat presumptously, that I felt like we were already good friends. They replied that they were not looking for friends. Ouch! The rejection hurt even more than my disappointment that there would be no romance. But, this encounter got me thinking about my own approach to friendship. My first-ever blog has a line that goes"The hand of friendship is easily extended, and need not be withdrawn". That line was written 18 years ago, and I wonder whether it is time to rethink that approach and be more intentional when it comes to friendships, like this person. Friendships are important relationships, and should be not be a consolation prize for failed romantic interests. I have had people who I thought were friends who never made the time and space for me. Maybe they had too much going on in their lives, maybe they just didn't feel we got along as well as I did, who knows? But, the seeming lack of effort on their part did chafe. In contrast, in this instance I had someone say to me that I should manage my expectations about how much we will be in touch once we go our separate ways. I don't think I would ever have the spunk or self-assurance to say that to someone, but I respect people who do. I cannot be your friend because I don't have the time or emotional space in my heart for it, or I do not want to be your friend because in my opinion we did not vibe they way you thought we did. Which of the reasons it is immaterial. And, while I might not have the courage to be this direct, this approach can be adopted in more subtle ways. I have people I feel obliged to reach out to when I am in India even though we are barely in touch, and I don't particularly enjoy our time together. And, I don't think they would lose any sleep if they came to know that I didn't get in touch with them while I was in India. Maybe it is time to say a gentle goodbye to these relationships.