Deserving Love

A few days ago,  I listened to a Youtube show where a comedienne who is unusually forthcoming about her love life spoke about how she was scared of intimacy and didn't think she deserved love. i can identify with that feeling to some extent. A part of it is due to good ole existential self-loathing.  But, a part of it is also not being able to visualize oneself in the popular template of a romantic relationship. I say template because there is in most cultures a well-defined template of what a romantic relationship should be like (determined by social mores which changes with  place and class, etc.) If one can't imagine oneself in that template it is easy to conclude that one doesn't desire or deserve (depending on the extent of self-loathing) to be in a romantic relationship. One is possibly too selfish, too self-indulgent, not flexible enough, not compassionate enough, not generous enough, etc. etc. 

It is perfectly reasonable not to desire a romantic relationship. But, I feel one can say that with confidence only rather late in life and after one has been in loving romantic relationships which failed due to that reason. It is human to think of oneself as special, and in this case, specially unsuited for romance. Many an oddball thinks he is specially odd and the odds of finding someone compatible with him are extremely low. But, one is seldom as special as one believes. And, that is a good thing. Society discourages oddballs from displaying their odd attributes, which is why many oddballs keep them in their closets. The closet doors lie closed, waiting for the right oddball to swing them open. One is compatible with more people than one believes. So it best to keep oneself open to all possibilities.