Masculinity

Why is it so hard for men to talk to each other? By talk, I don't mean banter, I mean share. And I'm not even talking about blokey  alpha males. I am talking about progressive, sensitive, feminist men, a group which I would like to believe I belong to and which I am sure my close male friends belong to.

Most of my close friends are women. I have male close friends whom I feel comfortable sharing (most of) my deepest darkest secrets with. But, we  mostly talk  about "intellectual" stuff like politics or current affairs, or we gossip. When the shit hits the fan, I mostly turn to my female friends. One of my close male friends also has a band of female friends with whom he has a very touchy-feely but completely platonic relationship with. He sees them every week and spends hours with each of them. Even I would be much more comfortable spending hours with one of my female friends than my male ones.

Maybe it is do with benign masculinity, the less harmful cousin of toxic masculinity. Even if my friends and I reject toxic masculinity, we cannot completely escape its grasp. We might be comfortable with our masculinity and feel secure about it. But, it is still difficult for us to imagine that there are other men like us. We fill a tinge of shame in showing other men what kind of men we are even though our thinking mind knows that these men are just like us in temperament. 

The other day a female friend read this blog and told me I am full of mush. I cringed so hard my neck started to ache. 

But I have also had the good fortune of meeting positive male role models. Like a guy who was on a group trek with me recently. He was one of those people who is bursting with life, lapping up everything that life has to offer without shame or guilt. Handsome, a proud ballet dancer who would do leg splits at the drop of a hat, a good singer, a good mimic. And, he wasn't effeminate in his mannerisms. (Of course, there is nothing wrong with an guy being effeminate. I merely mention this because it was one of his qualities that I could relate to). An exemplary person. One day, we were sitting next to each other in the mess tent with a few others and he  casually propped himself up one elbow with his torso on my lap. He asked me if that was okay, and I replied in the affirmative. It felt like the most natural thing in the world. (On an aside, bodies transmit intentions very accurately. A lewd touch is hard to mask, even if the body part that is touched is not strictly off limits.) Another positive male role model for masculinity is my father. But I will save him for another post.

But, I realize that men who are good-looking or charming or brilliant or successful or  most of the above can get away with having more "feminine" than masculine qualities without being scorned. Less fortunate men can't. So-called feminine qualities such as kindness, sensitivity, compassion and being soft-spoken are the icing on the cake, not the cake itself. We are still far away from a world in which those feminine qualities are not the sideshow, but the main attraction.