Bad News From India

The stream of bad news coming out of India keeps growing in size. The latest is ritualistically brutal gangrapes in Uttar Pradesh, the pit of hell for women, lower castes and Muslims. I tell anyone who will listen that India is a failing state and the majority of its population a giant cult. But no intellectual analysis can lessen the shocks of the incessant stream of bad news coming out of the country. maybe it is time to put some emotional distance between myself and the country. I am clear that I don't want to move back unless forced by circumstances. So, there is little reason why its descent into hell should occupy so much space in  my head, especially since friends and family back in India are not immediately under threat. Maybe I should make a conscious effort to not follow the news that is coming out of India and get outraged sitting here in England without a support network to cushion the impact. I will start by unfollowing the people I follow on social media for news from India, with the exception of economic news. Let us see how that goes.

Helplessness and Humility

 I have written before about having nothing to offer a friend in trouble but love and empathy. Yesterday, I spoke to a dear friend who went through a pretty messy family situation a few months back. Today, I spoke to a friend who has been in jobs hell for the past few months and in a purgatory for the past two. I had been pushing her to take better care of herself by exercising and eating better. Today, after hearing about her latest setback I was left speechless. Not being able to help or advise is both a helpless and humbling feeling. Sometimes advising someone to practice "self-care" or being "kind to themselves" feels like telling them to stay on a treadmill that keeps going faster. I feel like I am fortunate that my treadmill is coasting at a manageable pace. If it went faster all my talk of self-care and emotional resilience would go out the window. I know there are people who can take withstand with grace and fortitude blows that would fell most people. I am not one of them. Sometimes kindness to oneself or self-care does involve not pushing yourself to do both when life mows you down. You will get up, but in your own time. But, there is a chance that you might not, or worse, someone dear to you may not. And there is nothing you can do about it.

Better At Letting Things Be?

 Am I getting better at letting things be or is it just a passing phase of stoicism? Over the past few days I have felt a flicker of irritation on a number of occasions, but have managed to consciously tamp it down by telling myself to let it be. It helps that I have post-it notes to remind me both at home and in the PhD office. If this is just a passing Zen phase, I will know soon. One of my housemates, who had disappeared for a month, is back and I can hear him through the walls talking on the phone. My other housemate--the bumptious randy one--has also been strangely mellow these past few weeks. The house felt quite peaceful with just the three of us and no one giving trouble. So much so that I even began to consider staying on after my PhD. If I was mistaking a swallow for summer I will know soon enough. 

Birthday Wishes to Build Bridges

Birthdays are a perfect occasion to build bridges with someone you may have fallen out with. A minor fallout, not a flaming row, in which case you wouldn't give two hoots about their birthday. Birthday wishes can be an excuse to reach out to someone while protecting yourself from the possibility that your overtures will be rebuffed. Especially, if you believe you have been wronged and the other person should make the first move to build bridges. Some years ago, I would have let bygones be bygones and made the fist move, irrespective of who was at bigger fault. I am not that person any more, for better or worse. I have also stopped making the effort to keep in touch with old friends who make little effort themselves. Maybe it is pride, maybe it is increased self-respect, chances are it is a bit of both. But, sending birthday greetings is an innocuous gesture that let's you show you are prepared to move on while keeping your dignity in your own eyes. 

Moments of Happiness in a Burning World

The next few days, weeks, months and years will be difficult. But, in between, there will be moments of happiness, peace, tranquility, and I daresay, even joy. And, those moments should be fully embraced. I had a very pleasant evening today even though my working day was not very productive. After returning from uni early, I took a short nap, spoke with my parents and did my exercise routine. And, I might have finally discovered the exercise that is going to put my shoulder right. It involves simply hanging by my arms. There have been other exercises which appeared promising, only to turn out to be duds, but today I am feeling happy so I am going to mention this particular exercise at the risk of jinxing it. It might not be the "one" but among all the calamities that tomorrow may bring, discovering a promising exercise is a dud would be relatively minor one. After exercising and showering, I met my other friend in Bristol over drinks. We get along quite well, and with passing years it has become increasingly difficult to find people I get along well with. 

Last Weekend of Socializing

Covid infections are spreading faster than anyone imagined and we could soon be back in a lockdown. I am a new friend tomorrow and an old friend over the weekend. This is the most active my social life has been this year, as this could be the last weekend socializing is permitted. I was prepared for a locked down winter but the pace at which things are moving we could be in lockdown sooner than that. The season is also turning--since yesterday it has become noticeably colder. We might still have some more warm days, but as the days get shorter the warmth will dissipate faster and the nights will be cold. 

We might be under lockdown for most of autumn and winter but it will still be an eventful few months for me. My PhD is the crunch phase and I will also be applying for a job in my university. Today, I got confirmation that the job ad will be posted which sent me into a bit of a tizzy. A friend over the weekend said I will only finish my PhD when I am forced to by circumstances such as an upcoming job or the expiry of a visa, etc. Till then, I will continue to be paralysed by the quest for perfection (my words, not his). But, today, I felt a little paralyzed by the thought a juggling a job application and my PhD. Things seem to be moving a little too fast, even though I want them to move fast to spur me to finish my thesis. Be careful what you wish for. But, I guess I just have to rise to the moment. 

Elbow/Shoulder Saga Continues

Today, I decided to do a semi-intensive workout even though my elbow/shoulder pain hasn't gone away. I usppose it was more out of frustration than anything else. If my shoulder is going to ache anyway why not at least enjoy an endorphin release and the confidence boost seeing myself a little bulked up. 

And, I thoroughly enjoyed myself. Yoga is great, but sometimes a nice old-fashioned endorphin burst is what you need. And, it felt amazing to work out to Bollywood music after ages, and dance between exercises. 

My shoulder has not fallen off yet, but I have no clue how it will feel tomorrow morning. Curiously, I am not very worried. If the pain gets worse, it will force me to see a professional. If it stays the same, I might eventually see a professional, and if it improves, Hurray! Maybe the lesson here is to stop trying so hard to fix the shoulder. I have flitted from exercise to exercise to find a quick fix for my shoulder pain. It is quite possible that some of those exercises made the problem, and some improved it, but I don't know which one did what. So now I am going to try to take it easy and not don anything more intense than shoulder shrugs for my shoulder pain. Let's see what happens.