Moments of Happiness in a Burning World

The next few days, weeks, months and years will be difficult. But, in between, there will be moments of happiness, peace, tranquility, and I daresay, even joy. And, those moments should be fully embraced. I had a very pleasant evening today even though my working day was not very productive. After returning from uni early, I took a short nap, spoke with my parents and did my exercise routine. And, I might have finally discovered the exercise that is going to put my shoulder right. It involves simply hanging by my arms. There have been other exercises which appeared promising, only to turn out to be duds, but today I am feeling happy so I am going to mention this particular exercise at the risk of jinxing it. It might not be the "one" but among all the calamities that tomorrow may bring, discovering a promising exercise is a dud would be relatively minor one. After exercising and showering, I met my other friend in Bristol over drinks. We get along quite well, and with passing years it has become increasingly difficult to find people I get along well with. 

Last Weekend of Socializing

Covid infections are spreading faster than anyone imagined and we could soon be back in a lockdown. I am a new friend tomorrow and an old friend over the weekend. This is the most active my social life has been this year, as this could be the last weekend socializing is permitted. I was prepared for a locked down winter but the pace at which things are moving we could be in lockdown sooner than that. The season is also turning--since yesterday it has become noticeably colder. We might still have some more warm days, but as the days get shorter the warmth will dissipate faster and the nights will be cold. 

We might be under lockdown for most of autumn and winter but it will still be an eventful few months for me. My PhD is the crunch phase and I will also be applying for a job in my university. Today, I got confirmation that the job ad will be posted which sent me into a bit of a tizzy. A friend over the weekend said I will only finish my PhD when I am forced to by circumstances such as an upcoming job or the expiry of a visa, etc. Till then, I will continue to be paralysed by the quest for perfection (my words, not his). But, today, I felt a little paralyzed by the thought a juggling a job application and my PhD. Things seem to be moving a little too fast, even though I want them to move fast to spur me to finish my thesis. Be careful what you wish for. But, I guess I just have to rise to the moment. 

Elbow/Shoulder Saga Continues

Today, I decided to do a semi-intensive workout even though my elbow/shoulder pain hasn't gone away. I usppose it was more out of frustration than anything else. If my shoulder is going to ache anyway why not at least enjoy an endorphin release and the confidence boost seeing myself a little bulked up. 

And, I thoroughly enjoyed myself. Yoga is great, but sometimes a nice old-fashioned endorphin burst is what you need. And, it felt amazing to work out to Bollywood music after ages, and dance between exercises. 

My shoulder has not fallen off yet, but I have no clue how it will feel tomorrow morning. Curiously, I am not very worried. If the pain gets worse, it will force me to see a professional. If it stays the same, I might eventually see a professional, and if it improves, Hurray! Maybe the lesson here is to stop trying so hard to fix the shoulder. I have flitted from exercise to exercise to find a quick fix for my shoulder pain. It is quite possible that some of those exercises made the problem, and some improved it, but I don't know which one did what. So now I am going to try to take it easy and not don anything more intense than shoulder shrugs for my shoulder pain. Let's see what happens.

Labour Deserved to Lose

 Every week, I feel relieved that I left the Labour Party when I did. Today, the current leader of the party said it deserved to lose the last election in a direct attack on Corbyn's ladership, as he sought to burnish his patriot credentials. The man did not even wait for the bus to stop before throwing Labour members of colour under the bus. He is intenet on turning the party into a club of white, middle-class home-owners and I want no part of it. I don't even know if I will be in this country by the time the next election rolls around. And the world and the country will be such a different place in four years that it almost irrelevant what the Opposition leader says and does today. Except show his true colours and engender a deep distrust of himself among all progressives. 

Shoulder Update

 What do you do with a elbow/shoulder pain that has been persisting for months but doesn't feel painful enough to see a health professional during Covid times. (Whom am I kidding? I am just cheap and lazy). You try a bunch of exercises off YouTube, changing them up every few days, and hopefully you will find something that fixes the pain. Th next best solution is you find an exercise that stops the pain but makes some other body part pain, so you can then try for the best solution on it. I have been trying a new exercise since yesterday, and did an intense workout this evening, so chances are I won't be able to move my shoulder tomorrow. Well, Que sera sera.

India vs US

 I had a long discussion with a friend over the phone about which country's future is darker. The topic came up in the context of him thinking about moving back to India and me trying to discourage him. As you would expect, it was a thoroughly depressing exercise. Sometimes, the reality is too grave for it to be marshalled in arguments and arguing over a hierarchy of atrocities and instances of institutional collapse feels pointless. In fact, engaging in any intellectual exercise at this point feels facile. Reason will not our salvation, only love and kindness will. 

I encouraged him to see a counsellor,  and in hindsight, I am not sure it was sound advice. I am obviously discouraging him from moving back and want him to examine whether he is unhappy because he is living in the US, or due to some other reason. But, he has never said he is unhappy, he has only been saying he doesn't want to live in the US, for various reasons. Suggesting someone see a counsellor because you don't agree with their decision (and an emotional decision, at that) is not great advice. Pathologizing an emotional decision you disagree with doesn't sound like a ethical thing to do, especially to a friend. But, then again, men are not great at vocalizing when they feel depressed. They often attribute their blues to a specific set of circumstances or people, rather than something deeper. So, maybe I was right after all. 

Perfectionism

 Today, as I was talking to a friend who has a PhD, I realised I may be aiming for an unreasonable standard of work. At the moment, I am aiming for a finished product that would clear peer review. But, maybe I should start treating my PhD like a super-long assignment rather than book which will be published. Because my PhD will not be published. I might be able to turn it into a monograph and also spin some articles. But, I will have months and even years to refine my arguments to bring them to publishable standard. My PhD thesis will just sit in a repository catching dust, and might not be read by anyone else other than my supervisor and examiners. This is not an argument for turning out absolute garbage, which I couldn't bring myself to do even if I wanted to. Any work I turn out must, first and foremost, satisfy my own internal standards. But, maybe I should try to lower my own internal standards and treat PhD as a practice run rather than the finale. A practice run to make mistakes in and learn for my subsequent academic career. I might be unconsciously aiming for a work that matches the standard of the article I published, forgetting that a) it was co-authored with my supervisor who is smarter, a better writer and has much more experience than I do whereas a PhD is an individual piece of work b) a PhD is much longer, and it is much harder to achieve the same level of refinement for a work of this size c) my PhD won't be published. 

I am not going to pretend that I can lower my standards overnight, but at least it is something to be conscious about and mull over.