School Shooting

 There was a school shooting in the US yesterday and it has been weighing on my mood. You may be able to get inured  to every possibility, but babies being murdered in cold blood will still be able to crack through the facade. NOt in a war zone, not collateral damage, but in a "peaceful" country, targeted because they were children. By someone who wanted to inflict as much pain to as many people as he possibly could. What else is there to say?

A Slip Is Not A Fall

 Today, I broke my self-imposed rule about how to deal with ghosters. I texted two people who had recently ghosted me. One I had barely chatted with and didn't terribly mind being ghosted by. The other I had met twice and did terribly mind being ghosted by. I had made up my mind not to text her, But I slipped. In my defence, I had a logistical excuse, albeit a flimsy one. I realised I had been waiting for even the weakest reason to text here again, and I jumped when said reason presented itself. What if there actually was a logistical issue? Seems silly to inadvertently end things with someone even if there is an one-in-million chance that logistical issues came in the way? Aww, the stories we tell ourselves. I realise I have ripped the band-aid off a wound that was healing well. Ghosters cannot be guilted into communication because ghosting someone requires an absence of guilt to some extent. If not replying to your first message doesn't make them feel guilty, you second message won't make them feel guilty either. You just feel like a tit for having tried.

But, I am trying not be too hard on myself. Sometimes, it is essential to feel like a tit so that hard lessons are reinforced. To accept that you will sometimes do things that you know are bad for you. But, a slip is not a fall. It is not going to take me another week to get over her. 

Jaa, Jeel le Apni Zindagi

 This is a dialogue from the biggest Bollywood hit of the 1990s. It means 'Go, lie your life as you please', and it is my go-to mantra for the next few days/weeks/months. It conveys neither opprobium nor approval, just light-hearted resignation. A friend texted today that she won't be able to make it on a holiday trip. I don't want to get in the details but my firs response was anger. But, my anger soon melted away and I mouthed this dialogue to her in my mind, even though she doesn't speak Hindi. Its a crazy world that is only going to get crazier, and people close to us will do things that may seem crazy to us, and vice versa. In the grand scheme of things those acts of craziness do not matter. I am taking the same attitude towards the girl who ghosted me (in my mind, of course). Anxiety gave way to indignation and which has now given way to resignation. 

Oven Fire (Almost)

 This evening, I was in my room when I heard my housemate call out to me. This is the housemate with whom my rapport has soured after he threatened to punch me a few months ago. We barely glance at each other, much less speak to each other, so I was a bit startled when he called out to me. But, then, he said he needed my help because the oven was on fire. I rushed down, thinking about what to do. Turns out the fire had gone out by the time I go the kitchen. He had thrown a ton of water on it, and had possibly been alarmed by the smoke. But, what surprised me was my reaction to this non-incident. I didn't start trembling with anxiety, and neither did I feel anger towards my housemate. The shades of the old Sudeep who was the person people turn to during a crisis. I would pride myself on keeping my nerve when the shit hits the fan. I am also hoping that this incident will serve as a reset for my relationship with my housemate. I found it a bit endearing to see how rattled he was. We live in a crazy world that is only going to get crazier, so how long can one hold on to grudges?

On Ghosting (Again)

 As I am in the process of being ghosted, I thought it would be good to read my posts on the subject from 2018. They are dripping with wisdom, if I may so myself, and I don't have much to add. The only point I disagree with is that I had said Ghosting doesn't affect me much anymore. Naturally, it depends on who is doing the ghosting and how invested you are in them or in the prospect of a relationship. What I do notice is that ghosting is one the rise. I don't know if the pandemic and the other craziness in this world has anything to do with it. I have been ghosted by about half a dozen people over the past 6 months. Most didn't singe, because I wasn't invested too much in them. But, the fact is that I have never ghosted anyone, or at least anyone sane. I learnt from a girl last year that it was polite to send a "I am going to go my own way" message after a dead-end date. If women who are scared how a man will react can do it, I have no excuse. Yes, ghosting doesn't come in the way of closure. But, it does delay closure and life is short, if there is no prospect of romance its best to move on and let the other person know so they can move on too. as I have written before, I consider ghosting someone you've never met in person acceptable in most circumstances. But people you've met deserve a response. 

The Thwarted Prospect of Love

There are so many expressions for thwarted love, surely there should be some for the thwarted prospect of love? I went on a second date after aeons yesterday, and there was no spark of romance. Before the date, my head was in the clouds. I had me someone I fancied after ages, after all. But it turns out I fancied her in her absence. There had been a two-week gap between our first and second dates, and my loved-starved heart had filled up the gap with dreams of our life together. I realise this doesn't make me particularly naive or fanciful. A book I read recently had this quote from Proust: "We fall in love for a smile, a look, a shoulder. That, is enough; Then in the long hours of hope or sorrow, we fabricate a person, we compose a character'. Freud said projection is the essential character of every love. It had taken me more than that to fall--scintillating conversation with s super-smart and attractive woman on our first date. But, it was not to be, and I felt like a deflated balloon after the date. The conversation wasn't bad at all, but it did feel like both of us were going through the motions. Two people who seemed great together on paper, but not in person. The journey back to earth was a hard landing for me. The patch of earth that is my life has some craters in at the moment. Love was supposed to propel me out of those craters. I guess I will have to do that myself when I find the spirit and the time. So be it. 

Hard Times

 The teaching semester is over, I am half way through my grading load, and my dating life is looking up. This summer seems like it is going to be better than the past two. Yes, I still have my PhD to finish, but I am confident that I will over the summer. In the shower today, it struck me how difficult the past eight months have been. Ever since I started this job, its been one thing after another. The stress of a new job and whether I was doing okay, catching a cold before my India trip, the stress of travelling to, within and from India, the stress of a heavy teaching load this term, catching Covid in the middle of it and taking weeks to recover from my cough. To be sure, I haven't had any major crises. Just a succession of travails one after the another without a great support network. And, having come through them, I feel stronger.