Verbal Constipation

 I have been quite irregular with blogging for the past two weeks or so. My run rate for October is one blog every two days. If I continue at the current run rate this will be most lowest monthly output since I resumed blogging in January 2018. Neither have I been very regular with yoga, although I have resumed my yoga class. So, the past month or so has been a period of rapid change, and I have been relying on my two support tools less than usual. I feels words bubbling inside me, but I am struggling to bring them out. Yesterday, I spent two hours surfing the internet while trying to write a blog post about my frustrations with the communicating economics course. A course whose premise I don't agree with. And I am teaching it with a professor with whom I don't see eye to eye on what is good or bad writing. And, which has a lot of econometrics, which is not my strong suit. After spending two weeks fretting over how I would cope, I am trying to just go with the flow. Today's teaching didn't go badly, and I am trying to take every day as it comes. 

Rude Mentee

I have 41 mentees, bless them, and it would be naive of me not to expect any problems. One of them is having laptop problems, and wants to know if the university will provide him one. Which is fine, except that he has been rude in his emails with me. In his last email, he told me to make sure that he got a laptop when it was made available and to try to keep him updated on the situation. That email pissed me off, but I replied with a "will do", which I shouldn't have (20-20 hind vision). Today, he mailed to check for updates and although the mail wasn't rude, it raised my hackles. I know this is me over-reacting to a minor situation due to stresses in other parts of my life. And, what do I know about the student? Troubled background, financial troubles, who knows his story? And, chances are I won't be able to give much mental space to this particular problem, since I have plenty of other issues vying for attention. Its just that these overreactions can feel overwhelming in the moment. but, the moments pass eventually. 

Night Out

 Today, I went for drinks with my supervisor and her colleagues. And, I didn't leave at the first opportunity, which is unusual for me. I was clearly an outsider and maybe I cramped some of the gossip. But, I just wanted to be out longer, and I don't think anyone particularly minded, because they don't seem to be like me. I might have minded if an outsider had chosen to stick around beyond their welcome. Note to self to be nicer to outsiders. But, I really needed a night out. The past few weeks have been mad, and although I  didn't really let my hair down and party, it was a good break. 

Illness Didn't Materialize (Today)

I didn't fall sick today, although I woke up feeling tired. I had decided that I would stay home and skip yoga. But by the end of the day, I had begin to feel stir-crazy. It didn't help that I started reading some of the nine papers for the Communicating Economics unit I am teaching on. All the econometrics made my head spin, and I am going to have my work cut out trying to get my head around the papers. Pretending to understand them when I don't is going to take some guile. I write another day about my hate affair with econometrics. But by the end of today, I just felt that I had to get out of the house. Yoga was nice but it did feel like Sarah was kicking our asses a bit much today. 

Fatigue/Illness/Covid

 I feel like I am coming down with something. To be fair, I've felt like I was coming down with Covid about a dozen times over the past 18 months. This time, I don't specifically think its Covid. There is a lot of cold and flue in the air. It could also be that I am coming under the weather because of the stress and lack of sleep of the past month. To be honest, I am surprised I have held up so far. Strangely, I don't feel very anxious. Maybe repeatedly telling myself its not my fault is having an effect finally. If I do come down with Covvid, I will know whether I have to self-isolate or not by Monday. If its not, I have enough time to recover from a cold/flue before Monday's teaching. And, it snot the end of the world if I miss teaching on Monday. Yes, it will increase stress levels for other people and they might be annoyed. But, if you expect teachers to teach face to face during a pandemic, you should expect some of them to fall sick. Okay, I am getting ahead of myself. There is a good chance I will be fine tomorrow morning. But, I am wondering whether I should shift down a few gears, not push myself hard physically. Maybe I should work from home tomorrow and/or give yoga a miss? Let us see how I feel tomorrow. 

Good or Bad Day of Teaching?

 I had my first day of proper teaching at Bristol Uni today, and I am not sure whether it went well or badly. Some parts of it went well, and some didn't but it was definitely not as well as I had hoped. My students were active and engaged for the first of the two seminar questions. But, for the second one, both my and their enthusiasm levels dipped. I really have to figure out what to do about drawing graphs and equations in the classroom. The second question was on a topic I did not like particularly, but I also seemed to freeze when it came to writing equations or drawing. Maybe I just need to practice more on the whiteboard in my room?

As for the second session, where I was a co-teacher, I felt like a mute spectator beside a forceful woman. I did manage to get some words in, but I felt that my contributions were trite. It didn't help that I wasn't very clear about how the lecture was structured. To be sure, the sessions were not an unmitigated disaster, like my first session of online teaching. I felt more like you feel when you cum too soon--listless and uneasy but not shattered. 

Taking Every Monday As It Comes

 I'm realizing that to survive the next few weeks, I am going to have to take every Monday as it comes. If I start thinking of anything beyond the next Monday, I won't be able to do anything. Today, I discovered that I will have to teach far more hours that I had initially thought. Any hopes of resuming work on my PhD any time soon went out of the window. Waiting for ht pressure to let-up isn't a winning strategy because the pressure might increase. But, I am already getting better at handling the pressure. I feel less tense than I did last week, even though since then, I have learnt that my teaching load has increased. is there such a thing as stress fatigue? When there are too many things to worry about, you get tired of worrying and worry less about everything? It almost feels like I should worry more. but, I am not going to will myself into worrying. What will be, will be.