Contract Signed and Sent Off

 I had started to worry a bit since I hadn't heard from Bristol Uni in more than a day. That's a long time since they want me to start next Friday. But, things moved quickly today.  I got an email from HR around mid-day asking for my visa details, and then the contract around 4:00 pm. I sent it off before leaving work today. The doomsday scenario of the uni withdrawing their offer due to visa complications melted away. Now, I can focus on the new job and finishing my PhD. The PhD should fall into place now, I just want it to too badly. I am going to do as much as I can in the next seven days, but also try not to kill myself? What will be, will be. 

Trip Home

 I have decided that I am going to do my damndest to make a trip home in December. There are amny things beyond my control---travel restrictions, my own health if I catch Covid, etc., my new job. etc. But, among the things that are in my control, my PhD is the top of my list. I will not have the time and energy to mount a breakneck effort to finish. So, I will have to play the long game. Pace myself, but keep moving. There is a good PhD in there, I just have to find it and not lose my mind while I do so. I have decided to adopt the Pomodero technique for the time being--put in four solid hours every working day until I start my new job. Yes, there will be other stresses--visa, PhD extension, new job. But, I just have to put the blinders on and keep trotting. Keep trotting until my destination looms into view. There will be moments of frustration and anger every day. But, I will have to calm myself down and carry on. And, if some reason, I don't make it home this December, at least I can tell myself that I did my best. Do your best and leave the rest to fate. I managed to put in a solid four hours of work today, so I am feeling quite proud of myself. 

Job Offer

The wait is over and the news is good! It wasn't the job I had applied for, it is a rung lower, but in the times of Covid losing a rung is better than losing a run (Sorry, for the bad joke). Yes, life will not get less  complicated any time soon. There is the visa to worry about, and my PhD extension to worry about, not to mention the job itself. But, I am feeling  surprisingly calm about it. They are definitely not going to kick me out of the PhD program and they are not going to rescind the job offer due to visa complications. The road might not be smooth but the destination is in sight. And, more importantly, I am secure in the knowledge that I have done my best. If fate is not with me,  there is nothing I can do about it. I have already started the celebrations because I realise there is no point in waiting. When one complication melts away, another will follow. We must squeeze joy out of life, it won't come us on a platter. 

Peace At Home

So, the chill on the home front thawed today, no thanks to me. The overtures came from the Irish guy, whom I had given a ticking off yesterday. I even thought about apologizing to him for being too harsh yesterday, but realised it was only a matter of time before he annoys me again. Enjoy the thaw while it lasts but cold winds will blow again. When you are laying down boundaries, the posts must be driven hard into the ground. If you pull them out a bit because you think you've driven them in too far, you have only yourself to blame when the boundary is breached again. I avoid conflict, so the moment the person who has wronged me shows even a flicker of contrition, I melt. If you feel you've been wronged, you should stand by it even if an apology comes your way. Accept the apology or contrition by all means, but don't cave in completely from your original stance. 

Dish Drying Rack

Apparently, I am to have no respite from my annoying housemates. Tomorrow, I am supposed to mount a final assault on the conceptual chapter of my PhD, and here i am smouldering because of the twerps I live with. Yesterday, I was pissed because one of them polished off my baked beans without asking me. a few days ago, bonking Betty was leaving her hair clogging the bath drain. Today, the dish drying rack has disappeared from the kitchen. Just disappeared. I realise my nerves are in a state where a twinge feels like an explosion. But, can I just get a few days of peace? Is that too much to ask for? I know I shouldn't be getting worked up about these things. So, I used my powers of deduction and figured out that the Irish guy must have tried cleaning it, brunt it with acid and dumped it in the trash. So, I went down to the garbage bin and sure enough, there it was. 

But, I also noticed that the garbage bin was full, which is going to cause me stress one week from now. God, how long will this go on?

Interview Debrief

 i think the interview went well, although its difficult to tell with these things because you can never know how your answers went down with  the panel. Maybe you dropped some dealbreakers without realising. But, I am really proud of I have handled myself over the past one week, and I am writing this down today because I may forget, especially if I don't get the job. I have been a real trooper. My anxiety went through the roof during the past week, but I didn't buckle, I hung in there. The anxiety was accompanied by puzzlement about the cause of it. Was I anxious because I wanted the job really badly,  or was I anxious  because I didn't want the job and was subconsciously sabotaging myself. Plus the quarrel with my friends. But, I hung in there, and managed to put up a satisfactory performance at the interview. 

Interview Tomorrow

 The 24 hours till 4:30 pm today were harrowing. Writing about instant regret in yesterday's post did nothing to make it go away. I woke up at 4 am today, having made up my mind that I would go to uni at dawn today and record another video. Thankfully, better sense prevailed and I did not bow to my anxiety. I realised that recalling the video would only have been justified if there was a howler. Since that was not the case, it was best to just let it be. But, even after the video deadline passed, my anxiety did not lift. I was afraid the aftershocks of the anxiety blitz due to the video would hurt my interview prep. It was only after a mock interview with a friend in the late afternoon, which went well, did my anxiety finally ease. The stakes are high, this is my best shot at landing a job and nerves are part of the game. Job interviews are stressful by definition and are not meant to be enjoyed. They are meant to be endured. No wonder it didn't raise any eyebrows when I told some people how I was more nervous than normal. Nerves are bound to be there and it no use fighting them. Earlier in the day, I told some friends that I didn't know whether I was nervous because I want this job really badly or subconsciously don't want this job at all. Now is not the time to fathom my inner life. Now is not the time to make reply, now's not the time to reason why.