Instant Regret

 Having to record a teaching sample video for a job interview is a nerve-wrecking experience. I spent almost three days to prepare it, suffering frequent bouts of mental exhaustion. I decided to record the final video this morning, when I was fresh. Then I started obsessing over every detail. Should I reword this bit, should I highlight this term on this slide? I toyed with changing something, but then that would mean recording the whole video from scratch again and I couldn't bring myself to do it. But, the moment I sent off the final video I was hit with a wave of regret. What if that minor error, which is not even strictly an error, wrecks my chances? I had a peaceful start to the day, and was wondering when the cycle would turn and I would be wracked with anxiety. I had no hopes that the tranquillity would continue right up to and and past the interview. The question is what is to be done? The video has been sent. I will have to recall the video with apologies and send a new one. Neither prospect is appealing at all. And, should I really be feeding my anxiety? What is the worst that could happen if I don't do anything? They will point out their problems with the offending part, and I will accept my error and move on. 

The Sweet Spot Between Satisfaction and Fatigue

 I am have to submit a teaching sample video before my interview on Friday, and I spent most of today working and reworking it. I am more or less than done now, and will send it off once I have a copy that is glitch-free for the most part and within the time limit. I am not completely satisfied with it but I don't think I will ever be. But, I know that I am growing sick of it, and I really can't bring myself to do any more major changes. Which is why I am not taking the opinion of anyone else on it. I am not aiming for 100% satisfaction. I am aiming for the right mix of being satisfied and fed up with it. Maybe that is also how I will know when my PhD is done. When I am satisfied enough but also fed up of it. Being only fed up with it is not enough. Some amount of satisfaction is also necessary. 

Unburdened

 I woke up this morning feeling the burden of the world on my shoulders. I had managed to quarrel with all my friends in Bristol bar one within the space of one hour. Nerves about my upcoming job interview may have contributed but I was and in no mood to dissect what happened. I tried to drown myself in interview prep but still felt the occasional wave of exhaustion wash over me. I know by now it is mental exhaustion, not physical exhaustion. But things got better as the day progressed. It was a sunny day, so I went for a long walk and sat below a tree. One of the friends whom I had quarrelled with reached out to me. I was surprised, because I am usually the one to mend fences. This time I was determined not to. But we had lunch together, and I felt a silly because it turned out that the massive falling out we had had was mostly in my head. He didn't even seem that angry about yesterday. My mood lifted even more after that, I and I sent a message to the other friends I had quarrelled with, apologizing for being in such a foul mood yesterday. Suffice to say, I am ending the day on a much better note than I started it. And, I realised that sometimes things are broken only in our heads. 

Bike-Ride Respite

So, it turns out I was mentally, not physically exhausted. I was toying with the idea of whether to go for a run and do some work or whether to go for a bike ride today. I decided on the latter and I am so glad I did. It was a solo bike ride, so I could leave right after breakfast and planned to return in time for a late lunch. and, it worked like a charm. I began to feel relaxed as soon as I left the city and noticed myself humming old Bollywood songs. There were few people on the path in the morning, and I truly had a good time. Maybe I need to plan solo bike rides more, rather than go solo if I don't find anyone to go with me. This summer was very grey so we didn't have that many sunny days, but if we are lucky we might have a few more weeks of warm weather. I also decided to take it easy with the interview prep over the weekend. If my mind drifts there, I won't and can't stop it, but I am not going to write a script or intentionally work on it. There isn't that much to do really, and I don't want to amp up my energy to soon and flame out before the interview. My goal is to relax as much as I can over the weekend.

Mini Burn-Out

 Today, I felt waves of exhaustion sweep over me from time to time. I can't tell if its mental exhaustion or physical exhaustion but I am feeling completely unmotivated to prepare for my job interview. And, i am trying not to freak out about my lack of motivation. I had worked myself into a frenzy trying to nail the conceptual chapters this week. I was not expecting to hear back from Bristol Uni so soon. And, suddenly, I have shift gears and work myself up into a frenzy about something completely different? No wonder I am struggling. I feel similar to how I felt two weeks ago at the end of the week when my haemorrhoids flared up and laptop conked out. The good thing is I recognized the signs and took a few steps back. Not enough steps back, but at least I didn't crash and managed to recover more or less by the following week. These are extraordinary times and require extraordinary levels of self-care. It is futile to berate myself over how badly I am coping, because the normal standards don't apply. The normal standard should go out the window. I have decided to go for a long solitary bike ride tomorrow if I feel like it. And there is a barbecue with friends on Sunday. I had toyed with the idea of postponing till after the interview but realised that I need a break. I can't spend the weekend AND the following week stressing over my interview. Maybe I should be preparing for my interview but should is a word one must use very careful in normal times, not to mention times like these. So, I ma going to try to take it as easy as I can over this weekend and see how that goes. 

Short-listed At Bristol Uni

 This afternoon, I got an email saying I've been short-listed for an interview at Bristol Uni. I was not expecting to hear from them till late next week, so I was quite surprised. My aim of completing my conceptual chapters before I heard back from them went straight out the window. And, it turns out they want someone quickly so if I get the job, I might have to go part-time with my PhD. Yes, I shouldn't be jumping the gun, but an overthinker like me can't help thinking ahead and considering all possible outcomes and effects of said outcomes. This is not the year to cling to expectations or to think too far ahead. Here today, down with Covid tomorrow. 

You Will Screw Up

 I am feeling less bad about my penny-wisery-pound-foolery over the weekend. Screwing up is a part of life and how long can one feel morose over such a small screw-up? Yes, I have duly noted my tendency for PWPF, and will be more careful in the future. I will screw up again and again and many of the screw-ups will be much bigger than this one. It is useful to be able to dismiss screw-ups that are not intentional. Sometimes we do destructive things with full knowledge of what we are doing and its possible consequences. The best we can aim for is to prevent these acts of self-sabotage. I heard this in a YWA video and I was thinking about it today. Why we do stuff that we know will be harmful in the future and not even pleasant while we are doing it? I don't want to trivialize self-harm, but does the tendecy for minor self-damage and self-harm come from the same place?