One Down, One To Go

 One of the two events I was feeling nervous about passed today without  much incident. I was expecting a sea of red as feedback for one of my PhD chapters from a colleague who is very analytically rigorous. Fortunately, that didn't come to pass, and while there she gave me numerous  comments, none of them were soul-crushing. I am feeling much more confident about my core arguments now that they have passed muster with her. 

As for the other event, I continue to wait to hear back about the job I want and don't want in equal measure. It is a distraction from my PhD writing. Or is it that I am latching on an excuse to procrastinate. Maybe a bit of both as is often the right answer to either/or questions. I am not going to kid myself that I would be writing thousands of words a day if not for this job decision. Maybe it is possible to be slightly nervous about the job outcome while continuing to be reasonably productive? And, maybe being reasonably productive is all I should aim for? I have had virtually zero bursts of productivity while writing my PhD thesis. Progress has been painfully and it feels like I have had to fight for every inch. But, there has been substantial progress and the end is now in sight. It feels like this PhD is writing itself while I am not looking. 

YWA in NYT

 Today, when I listened to a NYT Magazine story on Adrienne Mishler, tears welled up in my eyes. Even as her fame  has grown by leaps and bounds over the past few years, and especially since the lockdown, YWA has become a bigger part of my life. I am quite a cynical person and hate hero worship. My personality type is probably the one that is lest likely to join a cult. Usually, if everyone is raving about something or someone it puts me off that person or thing. But, it should be possibly to feel intensely gratefully towards someone without turning into a worshipper. Adrienne has not disappointed so far. Nothing she has said or posted has irked me yet, and as she is a white woman who does yoga, it wouldn't take much to put me off. And, when she broke her informal rule of keeping away from political posts and posted about BLM it made me very happy. 

Fame can change people and it may yet change her. If it does, even though I will be disappointed my engagement with her yoga videos will continue. A person's work lives beyond them. They may outgrow it, or it may outgrow them. 

Over-optimization

 I have taken after my maternal grandfather in over-optimizing. My grandfather was one of the people who sought the most efficient way to do even the most trivial of things. And, he would insist that it be done that way, even if the savings of time and effort were marginal. He got away with it because of his charm and amazing sense of humor. But, I've noticed that I have over-optimization has become a habit for me too. Today, I left something cooking on the stove too long because I was finishing washing up while it was cooking to save time. I wasn't even in a hurry. As a consequence, I overcooked the dish. While it wasn't a total disaster, it was an entirely avoidable outcome.

So, I've decided to go about my chores more mindfully. I find doing chores destressing because it is a tactile activity that doesn't involve typing on a keyboard or starting at an electronic screen. But, I especially enjoy cooking and I am, I dare I say, a pretty decent cook. So, I should savour it more. yes, maybe that would be easier if I wasn't sharing a kitchen. I enjoy having the kitchen to myself when I cook, so I like to extend the same courtesy to my housemates. During Covid times, I try not to be in the same room as them. Then again, none of the others are big cooks, so there isn't exactly a queue to use the kitchen. In fact, my newest housemate and I have done such a great job of avoiding each other that we bumped into each other after weeks today. And, staggering timings is also an option. I am quite an observant person so I easily pick up on other people's routines and habits. 

Scary Movie

 I watched a scary movie after years today. It was not the scariest I have seen, but it was enough to give me the heebijeebies. I had started watching it last weekend but gave it up after 5 minutes because I decided it was a stupid thing to during the pandemic. Why risk making the Covid nightmares worse? But, today  I decided to watch it because it has been a stressful week and next week might  be worse. I needed something to frighten the daylights out of me and banish all thoughts of work from my mind for a bit. Something to release all the pent-up stress. A mental release rather than the physical release I treat myself to every Sunday.

This was my first scary movie after the onset of my anxiety disorder, I could feel it trigger me, but I remained in that state between excitement and anxiety. My mind and body felt stimulated, but not panicky. I remember feeling the  same way when I watched a movie in a cinema with my friends a few months after anxiety first reared its head in my life. I remember trembling with excitement and jumping at every loud sound in the movie. But I felt better afterwards. Sometimes when you are on edge maybe it is better to overstimulate the nervous system and force a physical reaction in your body. 

The Weight Of Tears

I was hoping to have the news about the job today, so that I could have had the weekend to cope with being proud but stressed or humbled but relieved. The plan was to come home this evening and induce tears whatever the outcome. The past few weeks have been hairy and I had decided that I needed some winter cleaning. When the job news didn't arrive, I decided to do the cry anyway. I pretty much have a drill in place. I start with a meditation session that is reserved for this occasion. Then, I watch youtube videos of children suffering from cancer lip-syncing to Rachel Patten's Fight Song and  Katy Perry's Roar. And, if all goes to plan, I start shaking with emotion, and hot tears start rolling down my cheek. Tears must be heavy, because I immediately feel lighter. I make no apologies for describing this self-care tool in such utilitarian terms. Crying need not always be a spontaneous outpouring of emotion. It can be planned and scheduled. For people who are not quick to tears, it can also be induced. It makes me feel better and I only able to cry if I am feeling weighed down by pent-up emotions so it is not completely contrived. 

Intense Next Few Days

 The next few days are going to be intense. I am expecting to hear whether I was short-listed for the 1-year lectureship. If I am not, it will prick my pride but I will be relieved that I wouldn't have to prep for the interview and could focus on my PhD for the time being. If I am selected, my pride will be salvaged, but I will be stressed about prepping for the interview while scrambling to finish my PhD. There doesn't seem to be a good option here. In addition, I am expecting feedback on the core chapter of my thesis from a stalwart who will, I suspect, rip it to shreds. Here again, I want her to because I want do write the best PhD that I can, but I am dreading the sight of red ink all over my work. I will need to draw on all my wellbeing resources to keep myself on an even keel over the next few days. 

Mountains out of Molehills

 Yesterday, I was having a reasonably day, until I got an email which threw me. The sender was the Economics HoD offering me hourly paid work even though I had not heard back about the full-time job I had applied for. Offering me crumbs even before telling me that my request for pie had been turned down. I wrote to her asking if that was the case and she replied they hadn't finalised the shortlist for the full-time job and that this was a separate process. That did little to quell my rage. The thing is I don't even want the full-time job that badly, and from a visa perspective it is probably best that I don't take it. But, my feelings of resentment against cliques in academia came bubbling to the surface and spent the rest of the day in a quiet rage. I knew I as making a mountain out of a molehill but I couldn't stop myself. I only calmed down after I did some dialogues like the sherpa had told me. I realized that I hadn't felt the need to do dialogue writing since March, which is an achievement in  a year like this, I guess. But, I realized that if you are aware that you are making a mountain of a molehill, you won't for long. The mountain will turn into a molehill soon enough. Maybe not as soon as you want, but sooner than you think. So, there is no point in fretting over it. And, sure enough, I felt much better today.