Stress Response

As someone who has suffered from mild anxiety for the past few years, I have learnt that anxiety and stress can manifest in various ways. For me, the symptoms have been light-headedness, chest pain, and the most common of all--an uneasy but not upset stomach. Currently, I am again facing some symptoms which I hope are being caused by stress. If not, I will have to go to doctor, which will be next to impossible for the next few months as the NHS deals with coronavirus. I have a pain in both my wrists and my hands feel stiff. Mild headaches and low energy are my other symptoms.
It has been a stressful few weeks and is likely to get more so in the next couple of weeks and coronavirus likely brings life to a halt. Well, time to gird myself for the coming days and weeks.

CV Files

The Coronavirus situation is spiraling downwards faster than anyone can imagine. A few weeks ago, news reports say it was supposed to peak around Easter. Now, the whole of Italy is going to be under lockdown. People are talking about closing schools and offices in the UK, and people are being encouraged to work from home. 'Self-isolate' has become the word of the year. 

As a foreigner with a history of anxiety who lives in a shared house, I am obviously dreading catching the infection. I don't want to spend two weeks cooped up in my room. But, there is nothing I can do except wash my hands more. My hands are already chafed from all the  extra-washing. If the virus spreads so easily, if it is like a ghost, nothing is fool-proof protection against it. One has to surrender to fate, while of course taking all the necessary  precautions. A rule of thumb of life is it seldom turns out as bad as you fear or as well as you hope. And, tough situations bring forth hidden reserves of fortitude. 

Pat on the Back

This year so far has not been easy for me. Apart from the fact that the government has gone full rogue in India, I have had to contend with falling behind in the write-up phase of my  PhD, and an assortment of quibbles such as a colleague's worsening mental health, an exasperating housemate, the loneliness of a PhD, and now coronavirus. These might seem trivial but they have come in quick succession and loomed large over my life at the time when they were current. By all indications, this year is going to get tougher. I am girding myself for the possibility that I might not be a able to take a break from Bristol for months, which would actually be the best-case scenario. The worse-case scenario would be to be quarantined and be stuck in my house. The worst-case scenario, of course, would be to catch the virus and fall severely ill, or die.
At this point, I feel it is important to acknowledge that I have dealt with the stressful situations like a champ and I am really proud of myself. Despite a succession of setbacks and blows I have managed to stay on an even keel and soldier on with my PhD. I have shown tremendous fortitude and the ability to be kind to myself. I haven't gone running in panic to anyone, although I will feel no shame in doing so it if comes to that. I really do think that I am coping with life well. These tough times won't last but the lessons learnt during them will. 

Housemate From Hell

Last night, I woke up to the sound of one of my housemates chatting with her male companion for the evening and I had trouble going back to bed. At least, I don't wake up to the sound of her howling in the midst of coitus, which happened about two weeks back. I was fuming in the morning and decided to leave her a polite  but firm note after checking with my housemates.
One realizes how long one's tether is as one reaches the end of it. She has been far from a model housemate but since I had recently moved in and tend to avoid confrontation, I held my peace. But, today, all the times she had been inconsiderate and annoying came flooding back to me.
I can feel this is going to get ugly. Someone who is so inconsiderate isn't going to change her ways easily. She is a drama queen, so her reaction will be angry or tearful or both. I could do with the added stress in my life: being stuck in my PhD, coronavirus, India going down the tube and my PhD colleague's slow descent into insanity. But, we have no choice. We have given away too much ground as it is and if we were to cede any more we wouldn't be left with any to even stand on. This housemate has abused  our tolerance. We have as much right to be here as she does. She should be the one who is afraid, not me.
I might not sleep well tonight either. She is not back yet, and there is a chance she will come back in the middle of the night and raise a ruckus. I have already decided that I won't confront her in the middle of the night. So maybe I won't sleep well tonight either. So what. It won't be the end of the world. I have dealt with far worse insomnia when I was battling with anxiety. I didn't sleep well for months. This is nothing compared to that.

Personal Choice vs Social Transformation

Does the fight against climate change hinge on individual making lifestyle changes or on a largescale transformation of corporations?The easy answer is both. But, those that believe that  individuals will have to make substantial lifestyle changes are often shot down as apologists for corporations. This evening I watched a video of a talk on the question of whether to have kids amid the climate crisis. The author was firmly in the corporations-must-change camp, so all personal choices,including whether to have kids, were besides the point.

This a topic I am extremely interested in. Firstly, I do believe the fight against climate change will require substantial lifestyle changes from middle and upper classes, especially in the affluent West. It is very  likely that these changes will make life substantially less comfortable, even if more fulfilling. These lifestyle changes cannot happen without a transformation of capitalism and vice versa. I don't see how anyone can divorce personal  consumption decisions from broader capitalist processes. What could be more anti-capitalistic than a personal decision to cut consumption? The question is will the middle-class climate warriors in the West be willing to make those sacrifices?

Secondly, on the topic of whether to have kids. The author dismissed all calls of population control as variations of eco-fascism, which I think is simplistic. For centuries, marriage and children have been markers of stability and adulthood across cultures. That remains overwhelmingly the case, except in middle-class green circles. To resist any attempt to challenge these norms as eco-fascism seems excessive.

And, finally, I would like it if people accepted that their positions may be compromised due to their vested interests. For isnstance, the portrayed her decision to have a child as the result of an emotional and reflective journey. Her points would have carried more weight if she was a childless woman who doesn't want children. 

Anyone who decides to have kids is making the decision in the context of their present lifestyle, which is carbon-intensive. No one can imagine what a less carbon-intensive lifestyle would entail. 

Omlettes

This morning, while proscrastinating, I came across a short BBC Comedy mash-up from a show which featured clips about a woman's love for cooking omlettes. And,  it stuck me how long it has been since I had had an omlette. Growing up, I had omlettes pretty regularly. Our cook was a man who had started working for my mother's family from the time she was a girl. He had a heart of gold but cooking wasn't his strong suit. His cooking was so ordinary that I would survive by foraging in other people's tiffins at school.
Except his omlettes, which were really good. Yes, they were oily and one could argue that that was why they tasted so good. But, I remember those omlettes with fondness and they are a happy childhood memory. 

Envy and Jealousy

I read a fascinating piece on white envy, which was written in the aftermath of the murder of a successful black family in France, with racism being the admitted motive. The piece was about white envy as the driving force for many white-on-black crimes The author of the piece had inspired another blog post about the dynamic between race and attractiveness. But what got me thinking was the difference between jealousy and envy.

If I experience jealousy, I experience a fear of loss or a sense of deprivation which I cannot tolerate, I therefore seek to possess the object triggering the jealous feelings. If one experiences envy on the other hand, there is a sense of being bereft rather than deprived. I am not sure one can obtain what is envied or at least that one thinks one can obtain it, not without doing harm. One therefore makes no move to possess but, to spoil.

In other words, jealousy is aspirational, envy is toxic bitterness. As someone who struggles with jealousy occasionally, I was intrigued. Now, whenever I feel an emotion that vaguely resembles jealousy/envy I will be pushed to ponder which of those it is.