Clocks Go Back 2021

 The clocks went back this morning, marking the official start of winter for me. As is my custom, I did the cozy yoga session and loved it.  I also went back to my clocks back/clocks forward posts from previous years. i use these posts to reflect on the previous 5/7 months and write down what I anticipate until the next clock change. Of course, I also do these reflection/anticipation posts at year-end, but I enjoy reflecting/anticipating so I welcome the shorter intervals. My last post followed the long Coid winter,but struck a hopeful note for spring and summer, with the end of my PhD imminent. Little did I know that summer would be a washout and I wouldn't be done with my PhD at the end of 7 months. But, I can't complain. I haven't finished my PhD, but I have a job, I am in good physical and mental health and I will be seeing my family soon. What more can one ask for, especially at a time like this? Life hasn't gone to plan but it hasn't gone badly either. Today, is also the day I was supposed to submit my PhD after my first extension. And, it also marks five years since the start of my PhD programme. But, even if I try I can't feel bitter or even wistful about both these milestones. A lot has happened over the past five years ago, and I have done the best I could. 

Back to the PhD Hustle

 I was going to say 'grind' instead of hustle in the title of this post, but then I realized I need to stop seeing it as a grind. The time for grinding is over, its now time to hustle and get the job done. I have realised I can spend infinite amount of time on intellectual puzzles that my thesis touches upon. The question I need to ask myself is "Does it matter to my PhD" and be ruthless about abandoning it if it doesn't. It is foolish to think that I will solve every, if not most, if not many of the intellectual riddles around my PhD. I won't and its foolish to even try. My job is to write a coherent PhD in the time I have left. That will mean sidestepping rather than solving many intellectual mazes and blackholes. This afternoon, I messaged my supervisor to ask if I should send here what I have so far, even if its half-baked. She replied in the negative, and I didn't waste a single moment in bitterness or disappointment. I am in this alone now, as I always was, and now is the time to hustle. 

Karmabhoomi

I went to UWE today for my supervisor's send-off. It didn't feel nostalgic, it just felt weird. I couldn't wait to get out of the PhD room--the space that has been the closest thing to home for me in Bristol. It was my refuge during the long winter of 2020-21 and I have spent many a pleasant and unpleasant hour pacing its length while praying for intellectual breakthroughs. But, my karmabhoomi lies elsewhere, that chapter of my life is closed. No wonder I didn't make a fuss when I was told to clear out my desk. 

Kind Words From A Student

 Today, one of my students said he was lucky to have me as his personal tutor and it made my day. Amidst all the chaos, stress and sleeplessness of the past two months or so, one thing I have noticed is how positively students have responded to me and that I have also enjoyed interacting with them, despite myself. The long hours of teaching have been tiring for sure, but not grating on the grating on the soul.  I am not good at small talk, I am not a jokester so its been pleasant surprise to me how easy  it has been to build a rapport with my students. I feel a softness and generosity and goodwill when I teach that I usually don't otherwise. Maybe its too early to speak and I have just been lucky not to have had any bad experiences with students. Of course, there will be bad experiences.  But, teaching has brought out a side in me that I didn't know that I had. And, from what I have seen so far, its a side I like. 

LinkedIn Fiasco

 I went to my Linkedin profile today, and much to my horror, saw a bunch of messages congratulating me for finishing my PhD. I didn't know whether to laugh or to cry. What happened was a couple of weeks ago, I had started to add my new job to the profile before changing my mind because I didn't have my visa yet. I had forgotten that I had added an end date to my PhD and Linkedin unbeknownst to me broadcast it to my contacts. I have hibernated my account, but I am sure word has gone out. I felt red with embarrassment. Having people think I have finished my PhD when I have been struggling with the final draft for months seems particularly dishonest. But, on second thoughts, no one outside my immediate circle really cares if or when I finish my PhD. I shouldn't mistake curiosity for concern. And, I am going to finish my PhD soon. And, after I finish my PhD I can go back and change the dates. This world will always throw something at you that frazzles you. You have to talk yourself out of being frazzled sometimes. It is not always possible to do so, but one should try. And, when one is not in the depths of despair, it is possible to talk yourself out of being frazzled. 

P.S: I have hibernated my Linkedin account.

Mountain Out of A Molehill

 The thing that I had been dreading passed without a whimper. Five days of stress for nothing. But I am just glad its over. My fears were irrational--I knew that when I was afraid, just as much as I knew it now. Sometimes, it is possible to talk yourself out of stress or fear. I haven't been able to do so in the past few months, and that's fine. If the past 18 months have eroded my stress tolerance buffers, that is no surprise. I am just glad I haven't allowed the fear to paralyze me, and have soldiered on. Sometimes, tough times last longer than you would expect. But, rays of sunshine break out from time to time. 

Fear

 I woke up at around 4:00 am yesterday, as I usually do these days, feeling angry about my additional workload and half-salary. I had planned to chip away at grading but I was too frazzled for that. I spent a few hours contemplating. At the beginning, I thought that I would wait till Monday to see how I felt and then possibly asked to be relieved of the additional workload. But, it was clear to me that I would feel no differently on Monday, so I decided to write to my supervisor that same day. The only question was what to say. Should I tell him that I am struggling to cope, feel stressed all the time and am having trouble sleeping? That was the initial plan and I drafted the email, but just before sending the email I thought I would consult a colleague who I know from our UWE days. I am glad I did because saying I was going to pieces would have been a categorically bad idea. I went with "just about coping" and half salary. My supervisor, bless him, replied immediately. I don't know how I would have endured the weekend if he hadn't. But, it turns out he wasn't even aware that I had been given the additional workload and he swiftly set the record straight. The sneaky bastard who tried to draft me for his section of the course hasn't replied, and I fear he will kick up a fuss tomorrow. I should have been more assertive when he "asked" me and told my supervisor that this wasn't part of the deal. But, I am not going to be too hard on myself. You live and you learn. I was trying to be low maintenance, but I have realised that makes me ripe for exploitation. And, the sneaky bastard has revealed his nature, so I am going to be extra-careful around him. 

I didn't sleep well last night. I had a nightmare which jerked me awake and I couldn't go back to sleep. I suppose I am worried about how this incident will play out tomorrow. But, I am proud of how I am coping. I broke the back of my grading load today, finishing more than I had planned.