Long Weekend Ends

 On Friday evening, I was starting at the bank holiday evening with a long face. I had just accepted that I would need a three-month extension to my PhD, and I was feeling like a loser on the work front as well as the love front. The weekend has passed and it went much better than I imagined. I went for a solo bike ride yesterday, which brought back memories of my bike rides in the Meijendel reserve near my student accommodation in Holland. Those rises were much nicer because I would barely run into more than a dozen people. But yesterday made me realize that I enjoy being outdoors by myself. And, even in overcrowded England, there are always moments of solitude and tranquility to be found. Today, I went on my second date in less than a week (with a different person). There was no chemistry and I think we both were a little bored. I was feeling low after the date, but the girl sent a message explaining why this was goodbye. And, that message made me feel much better because she showed consideration towards a person she will never lay eyes on again. I wasn't going to message her, because I don't like telling people I didn't them attractive. But, being honest with someone is a sign that you respect them and have concern for them. It tells me this girl is a nice person and I sincerely hope she finds love. And, with this date, my online dating sojourn comes to an end, leaving me to focus on my PhD. Its an easy decision, because I simply don't feel like being on online dating apps. And, today, I may feel alone and unloved but I can guarantee that I will feel much better in a few days. Dating is anxiety-inducing for me, and I have never managed to cultivate a healthy way of approaching it. So, yeah, this might not be the summer of freedom from my PhD or the summer of love. But, that doesn't mean it will have to be a bad summer. The next bank holiday is at the end of August. By that time, I should be close to submitting my PhD. Anything can happen in this world, but I have a hunch that it will be smooth sailing this time. 

Leading with the Heart

It has really started to feel like every day brings a surprise. I was regretting having cancelled my vaccine appointment in Bath, because I had no plans for the long weekend. I was afraid I would spend most of my time moping about having to ask for a PhD extension and my moribund social and love lives. But someone I had asked out more than a week ago unexpectedly, replied this morning to make a plan for Monday. Suddenly, the weekend started looking up and I decided to move my solo bike ride up from Monday to Sunday. Changing plans at the spur of a moment, grabbing at opportunities whenever they arise without thinking too far ahead is the way to survive in the new world. For overthinkers, the new world is a bewildering place, simply because the possibilities are boundless. So, maybe the best way to proceed is to lean more on the heart than on the head to make decisions? Look at paths and actions that may have seemed irrational or foolhardy one year ago with an open mind? The world is changing, and it is no doubt changing us too. There is no point in taking decisions based on what we think is best for our old self. And if there was ever a point on the arc of humanity where worrying was worthless it is at this point. There are just too many things to be worried about. 

PhD Extension

 Today, I had a chat with my PhD supervisor where we decided that I would seek a 3-month extension to my submission deadline. When my supervisor floated the idea yesterday, I felt gutted. June 30 was the day I would be finally free of my PhD. I have told everyone who asks that is my submission date. The PhD kept me afloat through Covid. If I didn't have my PhD, I would have quit the UK and gone back to India, I have no doubt. I chuckle mirthlessly when I think of my original plan, which was to finish by the end of the year and go home to India for the Christmas break. I am not counting on being able to go home this Christmas either. And, most of compatriots are done with their PhDs, announcing their news on Twitter. Compatriots that I thought I was smarter than. Now, I have to swallow my pride and go cap in hand to the grad school to ask for an extension. Plead my case by pimping the Covid situation in India. I feel lonely, tired, miserable today and my PhD feels like a mountain that will always refuse to yield to me. I can't help but feel sorry for myself. I had a good cry today but I still feel like there are some tears left in me. But there are two silver linings. My conceit has been crushed so comprehensively that it will take years for it to recover. Newsflash: I am smart and capable, but not as smart and capable as I thought. I may never be a star academic and I will consider myself lucky if I am just able to stay on in academia. Humility is powerful, humility is clarifying. So, there is nothing to do but have a good mope over the weekend, and pick myself up, dust myself off next week. 

Another Anxiety Antidote

 Could it be that I have found an antidote for anxiety? I have been feeling pretty anxious on and off since last morning. The reasons are obvious--stress about finishing my PhD on time and about reentering the dating scene. My stomach is in that weird place where it isn't upset nor is it fine. Lots of belching and farting. I have learned that when my stomach is unsettled without any cause, it is usually due to anxiety. The flutters came back towards the late afternoon today, and I was preparing for a restless night. But, then I started singing party songs, and before long my anxiety had receded dramatically. Could it be that I have found the ultimate antidote for my anxiety--singing? Or was it a fluke that it receded at the same time? More likely, it is another antidote to add to my arsenal. The ways of the human mind are mysterious, and what may work once may not work again in exactly the same circumstances. Singing may work some times, at other times it could be yoga or meditation or even wanking. However, one has to be careful because focussing on antidotes may encourage trying to fight anxiety, which may make it worse.  Nothing is a more self-fulfilling cycle than getting anxious about anxiety. Sometimes it is better to let it course through you. The best thing to do is to go with your gut, rather than overthink the right strategy. 

Soldiering On

 I started today in a mild panic about my PhD. I got out of bed at 5am and after yoga and a cold shower, was in office by 7:30. I felt overwhelmed, out of my depth, and my stomach felt unsettled too, a sureshot sign  of anxiety.  But, anxiety can sometimes be good for you. I worked today, like  I hadn't worked in ages. I didn't get a lot done in terms of writing, but I whiled away nearly half as much time I usually do, The anxiety lit my tail on fire, and i worked with a focus and determination that I hadn't felt in ages. For years,  I thought anxiety is to be avoided at at all costs. If something makes you anxious, remove it from your life. But, now, I am coming around to the view that anxiety is not all bad. Mild anxiety can be trigger for action. 

Realistic PhD Timeline

 This PhD is never going to be smooth sailing. If I had any hope that after the heavy-lifting there would come a point after which I would just coast home, that hope is long gone. I am hoping to reach a point of balance between satisfaction and exhaustion. Right now I am 10% satisfied and 30% exhausted. Hopefully, my satisfaction will climb faster more rapidly than my exhaustion. When I get the feedback on the rest of my draft, I will get a sense of whether my June 30 deadline is realistic. There is a good chance it is not, and I will have to be prepared for that eventuality. 

P Songs

 When I attended a Zoom memorial for a family friend a few weeks ago, someone sang a "party song". The song has been bouncing around in my head, and I was going to ask my mother to give me the lyrics to it. Party songs are an indelible part of my childhood. I must have listened to them and sung along a hundred times.  All public meetings that we attended started and finished with songs. The songs themselves are passionate and inspirational, and at times like these they lift my spirits as well as remind me of my childhood. Inspiration and nostalgia at one go. Suddenly it struck me that there was a folder either on my computer or removable disk title "P songs". I immediately set about trying to find it. After locating it, I discovered that I would need to download a Hindi font to view the lyrics. Now, the sings are with me and I can sing along to them any time. I spent a pleasant half an hour singing the songs, discovering that the reason only the choruses had stuck with me is because the stanzas had much longer words. They were more difficult to sing as well as remember. But, its nice to have the lyrics, and I must designate them in my mind as one of my pick-me-ups.