Lessons from 2020

 In one of my posts towards the end of the last year, I had noted that the following six months would be my longest uninterrupted stint in Bristol. With what happened this year, sixteen months would have been a more accurate prediction. At this time last year, I was girding myself to finish my PhD and find a job in my department. Neither came to pass, but last year's aims and ambitions seem irrelevant now. The world has changed and is changing, and one's ambitions will also change. The best one can do in these tumultuous times is keep an open mind. For all the horrible things that happened this year, it did teach me a lot. It expanded the realm of what I thought was possible. I felt and vulnerable to Covid many times, but I also found hidden reserves of strength and fortitude that we never knew existed. It pushed me to do so many things that I wouldn't have contemplated in normal times. From jogging in the dead of winter to entertaining the possibility that it is possible to let go off some aspects of my personality that I have always struggled with. It taught me that one can find moments of peace and even joy when the world is burning, and one shouldn't feel guilty about it. That different people respond very differently to crises, and while one should refrain from judging them, one should also not feel obliged to make allowances for their behaviour at the cost of one's own well-being. It taught me that it is possible to make a conscious decision to disengage from a prickly person or situation without harbouring animosity. That it is perfectly acceptable to let sleeping dogs lie and even put some dogs to sleep. Lastly, I feel like I have become even more self-sufficient and self-contained over the year, but its too early to say for sure. 

Crimped Horizons

 How little into the future is it possible to look? I have been practicing two-three days, consciously trying not to look beyond that. I don't know if the uni campus will reopen next week, and if it does whether I will feel safe going back. The only luxury I am permitting myself is a plan to go for a run either on 31st Dec. or 1st Jan. Further out, I don't know if I will be teaching next semester or how my long I will take to complete, when I will get a job, when I will get a vaccine, when I will visit India again or when I will be able to step out of Bristol, when I will go on a date again. Is it possible to bring forward the horizon so much that you are not tempted to look beyond a few days? One thing I have noticed myself doing more is looking back. I have always been a sucker for nostalgia, but in the past few weeks long-forgotten moments from the past have been coming back to me. If the future is infinite, so is the past. 

Pushing on Many Fronts

 Will I ever get used to the chaos of PhD writing, where progress seldom according to plan and plans have to be abandoned or modified at the drop of a hat because the only other option is thesis paralysis? I keep making plans and I can keep dropping or changing them. I can confidently say that nothing in my PhD-no chapter, no progress report, no short-term goal--has gone according to plan. This doesn't mean I have done nothing or that plans are useless. If nothing else, a plan is that guilt-ridden voice tugging at your conscience to work. But, a creative and intellectual of the scale of PhD doesn't lend itself to planning. Planning is fine when you can see the path and/or see the destination. When you can't do either, planning becomes a speculative activity. I have learnt that the only possible solution is to embrace the chaos. When you get stuck on a chapter, take a break or work on something else. All work is progress and contributes to the thesis in big or small ways. Moving also gives you a sense of achievement and helps keep morale high. Which is super-important during a winter pandemic.

Two Meals Not Enough

Since uni closed for the winter break, I have been experimenting with having two meals a day instead of three. The trick is to delay breakfast, have a heavier-than-usual breakfast and have dinner slightly early. Or, so I thought. After spending the past week feeling colder and hungrier than usual, I have decided to go back to three meals. Reduced food intake and cold showers don't go well together, it turns out. Yes, myt activity has reduced but the cold showers seem to have turbocharged my metabolism. The last time I stepped on the scales, I weighed 73.5 kgs, which is the lightest I hae weighed in possibly 20 years. I don't feel sick or low on energy but it is slightly concerning. I have decided to make hay while the mercury drops and start eating red meat. I can't believe that I have been in England for so long, and haven't bought sausages. As it happens, the forecast says it may snow tomorrow and the next week is going to sub-5C. so what better time to gorge on red meat. 

Christmas Alone

 I have spent three of the past four Christmases with my aunt and cousins in Brighton. Although I am not big on Christmas traditions or any sort of traditions, it is a welcome change of scene and change of pace and its nice to spend some time with family. This year, when a change of scene and pace would have been most welcome, I spent it alone in my shared house. My going to Brighton this year was always out of the question. But, I was hoping for a nice local Christmas meal with friends, and, in fact, had two offers till last week. Alas, that was not to be either. My housemate tested positive for Covid, and since I had carelessly socialized before her result came, the shit hit the fan. I hurriedly excused myself from Christmas plans, because I decided I just couldn't take any more drama over me potentially infecting someone. One thing I have learnt the hard way is there are no social norms about what is acceptable behaviour as far as the risk of infecting others is concerned. People have vastly different expectations, and often hold others to standards they wouldn't hold themselves to. Covid rage is real, and one most tread carefully to preserve friendships threatened by differing attitudes to Covid. So, yes, I knew a week ago that I would be spending Christmas alone. Naturally, I couldn't be bothered to celebrate it. It was just like any other day except that it was exceptionally sunny. I decided to go for a walk during midday, thinking that at that time most people would be busy prepping their Christmas dinners. I only expected to find lonely singletons out and about on the downs. Alas, that was not to be, and the downs were teeming with large families and dogs. Hey ho. I caught some sun and returned to get on with the rest of the day. I am sick of listening to Christmas carols so it will be a relief when radio programming schedules go back to normal from tomorrow. 

Salvaging A Lost Day

 I've been struggling to finish the core chapter of my PhD thesis. All the stuff is in it, but I just need to figure out how to put it together so that it makes sense. Today, I had done nothing till about 3 pm and had started to feel like this was going to be another wasted day. So, I decided to work on my citations instead. Citations is the part about academic writing that I hate the most, so I always leave it to the end. To do the citations on a whole Phd thesis would require a week, which would be a torturous week. So, I decided to finish the citations of the chapter I am working and the next one, This is a tough time for everyone so keeping my spirits up is more important than being productive. But being productive definitely helps my mood. So, doing something that doesn't require too much creative energy is a neat compromise. 

Choti Si Baat

 Another movie that I thought was a classic fell from grace today. The plot revolves around a shy "nice guy" who stalks his love interest but cannot seem to summon the courage to talk to her. When another more assertive suitor enters the picture the young men seeks coaching from a retired army officer to toughen up. I remember watching this movie on a family holiday in Kodaikanal when I was 11, and enjoying it greatly. When I watched it today, the plot and premise seemed downright cringeworthy, Is it fair to judge old movies by today's norms? Especially, old Indian movies, since I have spent a long time in the West now, and have presumably absorbed some Western mores? I don't know about fairness, but it sure makes life more difficult. As it is, I struggle to find stuff I enjoy watching. But, the question of fairness is moot. If a movie offends your sensibilities you cannot enjoy it, end of story. One cannot talk oneself into enjoying a movie.