Feeling What You Feel

The other day on the radio, a young man struggling with his mental health in lockdown said "you have let yourself feel what you feel". Twice. "Feel what you feel" is one of the new-age mental health mantras, right up there with self love. But how useful is it? I only speak for myself when I say that it is useful but not very. While it is important not to censor your thoughts or fight what you are feeling it is also important not to be fully hostage to them. Most feelings are transitory but if the unsavoury ones stick around it is important to take action to release yourself from their overpowering grip. The action could mean simply changing the tempo, doing something to distract yourself until the feeling passes. Or talking and guiding yourself to a better place. It is not easy, but one gets better with practice. Of course, not all unsavoury feelings are undesirable. Sometimes unsavoury feelings are a message to change something and not just take steps to get away from those feelings. 

Leaving the Labour Party

Today, I wrote to my MP asking him how I could leave the Labour Party. I had already cancelled the direct debit from my bank account last week. The current Labour Party leader says or does something that angers me everyday, so I decided its just not worth the bother. Once I am out of the party I can treat him as just another reactionary middle-class white man.
I had never been a member of a political party before I joined the Labour Party in November last year. I voted for Jeremy Corbyn with pride at the general election and was as crestfallen as anyone else when he lost by a huge margin. But, my experience of the being the Labour party has been of countless emails spat out by the Party's giant bureaucratic machine and events and events where I felt distinctly out of place. It seemed like the membership of the Labour party was a lifestyle choice for white middle-aged middle-class people of a slightly liberal persuasion in Southern England. But, at least during Jeremy Corbyn's time, the party's leadership said things I broadly supported.
When disillusioned, the two main options are to fight, flee or do nothing. I chose the second option, not least because I might not even be in this country 12 months from now. What's the point of being invested in the Labour party when my investment is only bringing me anger and disappointment. I get plenty of that from people and groups I am not invested in.

The Power of Surrender

I have written before about the need to be able to surrender yourself to the present moment from time to time, instead of seeking to change it. In recent days, I have come to increasingly rely on that practice. In the midst of momentous events in the world or in our individual lives, when there are forces at play which we can't even fathom, let alone control, surrendering can be a powerful and comforting act. And, an alternative to taking frantic actions and second-guessing every action. Cliched phrases such as "if it is meant to be, it will be", can be a source of reassurance. Surrendering to the Great Unknown, Recognizing that if the future was knowable, it wouldn't be the future. I don't know if I am making sense, but I am allowed some incoherent ramblings from time to time. 

Listening

I have recently come to realize that listening is a hard and under-appreciated activity. When someone comes to me with a problem, I am getting better at allowing them to talk, instead of bombarding them with advice. Also, to ask more questions rather than try to provide them with answers. But, in general conversation, I still think my listening skills leave much to be desired. I am an opinionated person and I don't have as many avenues as I would like to air my opinions. And as someone who enjoys discussion and debate, it is easy to get swept up in the moment and drown out less aggressive forces. 

Listening is not a passive activity. It requires both empathy and concentration, which are not always in abundant supply so its not just a question of practice. But, I suppose at least having the desire to be a good listener at the back of one's mind is a start.  

Faith and Fate

I was raised atheist, and I am comfortable in my atheism. I am not a militant atheist and although I have very little regard for organized religion I respect all faiths. Life is difficult, and any faith or spiritual practice based in love, mutual respect and tolerance is fine with me. Most atheists grow up with the belief that you make you own fate, and I was no different. But, can a steadfast belief in one's own agency come in the way of acceptance? We are not master's of our own fate and there are so many things beyond our control. How does one cultivate a relationship with fate that is not based in blind faith or defeatism on one hand, or  outright dismissal on another? One advantage of surrendering to fate is that you stop second-guessing every action and don't beat yourself up when things go wrong. And,you don't become nervous when you are confronted with a similar situation in the future. I guess the atheists need to becoming more accepting of faith, and the devout more skeptical of the power of their deities to influence their fate.

Gmail Memories

This afternoon, I decided to burrow deep into my gmail folder, as one does once in a few years when one has nothing better to do. I wish I could say it was a walk down memory lane, but mostly it was being annoyed by the amount of junk that I had missed deleting. There were a few memories that I hd consigned to the dustbin. Correspondences with friends I have since lost touch with, email exchanges with prospective employers that I was extremely keen to work with at the time. These were from the phase of great restlessness when I was desperate to leave India at least for a bit. I was bitterly disappointed at the time when none of those opportunities, although in hindsight I am glad they didn't.
All these memories were reminders that it is easy to get caught up in the moment and sweat the small stuff, much of which one won't even remember a few years from now. Isn't that one of the purposes of memories? To serve as reference points for the present, to allow one to view the present from the perspective of the past? I am sucker for nostalgia though, so I would walk down memory lane even if there wasn't any wisdom to be gleaned from it. 

Lockdown Haircut No. 2

In my blog after cutting my own hair the previous time, I had sworn I wouldn't cut my hair ever again. Well, one forgets lessons with surprising ease and I have given myself another terrible haircut. Actually, this one is worse than the last one. I now look like I had brain surgery on both sides of my head. To add insult to injury, I also have a zit on my nose after years. Good thing those dates didn't work out. So, the next time I want to cut my hair, I am going to a barber or buying clippers. I was in half a mind to order clippers immediately to salvage my haircut. But, I am just going to laugh at myself. As I have written before, hair will grow back, and I will have other problems to deal with.