Introverts Meet-UP Group

I had signed up for a meet-up event of the social introverts group today, but the rain made me miss it. The topic  of discussion for today's event was Myers-Brigs personality types. To be honest, finding out my Myers-Brig personality type did make me feel more normal. My personality quirks that I felt were bespoke turned out not to be so. Maybe it would have been an interesting discussion, maybe not. But I have my doubts whether I would enjoy being part of that group. Most of my closest friends are either out-and-out extroverts or introverted extroverts. I think introverts and extroverts balance each other well. Extroverts draw introverts out of their shell. As an introvert myself, I would find it exhausting to draw another introvert out of their shell. 

Default Happiness Setting

I was talking with a close friend the other day, and, thinking aloud, I told her that I want to be with a happy person. Someone whose default setting is happy, which is not the case with me. The friend I was talking to is going through hell at the moment, but I would describe her default state as happy. As I would of my sister and father. I don't equate chirpy with happy, and I realise you have to know a person well before you can form judgements about their default state. But, then it occurred to me that most of the people I would describe as happy were female, and unhappy would be male. I wonder why that is the case? 

Your default state of mind is usually inborn. I realised that when I met my cousin's son, who is the most cheerful baby I have ever met. Maybe his personality will change dramatically when he grows up, but I doubt it. So, if you are born as a happy or unhappy person, is there hope for you if you are the latter? I would like to believe so. I don't have anything more to say right now, but this is a topic that I will keep returning to because it is so important. 

Hosting

When I moved to this place, one of the things I was looking forward to was being able to host people. I have a bit of my Dad in me, in that I like to pamper people that I am fond of. The difference is there are very few people I am fond of. And, I sometimes end up pampering people that I am not fond of, which I resent. It surprises me how much I resent it. I have one friend who bores me no end, and I still hang out with them. A big problem is this friend is quite sensitive to ribbing, so I can't joss about the way I do with my other friends. I am pretty sure that the feeling is at least partially reciprocated. but, we continue to meet, and it is often I who initiate the meetings. Sometimes it is out of a sense of obligation because they have not been as fortunate as me. Sometimes, it is because group plans don't work out and in the end its just the two of us. Sometimes, it is out of my own loneliness. I don't have a reason to be out of the house on weekends any longer as I don't have irascible housemates. So I am guessing I will get used to spending time with myself. Become more comfortable in my own skin. 

Bad Outcome, But Could Have Been Worse

So, I didn't get the job. Or, at least, I am not their first choice. If the first choice can't or doesn't take up the position or if they open a new position within six months, the job is mine. I am still not sure how I feel about the outcome. When I first saw the email, a tear came to my eye, but it quickly vanished. This was not a dream job, but it was a permanent job. And it is a heterodox department. Not getting this job means my precarious situation continues, and I can't plan for life ahead. But, I don't feel as bad as I thought I would. Yes, I did beat myself up for not having a permanent job, partner or too many friends in Bristol. I whined about not having felt intelligent in a really long time. But, this has whining has gone on for so long, its getting boring. And, I didn't just sit at home and mope. I had plans to go to the gym and go for a bike ride, which turned into a plan to trek Cheddar Gorge with work colleagues. The gorge was beautiful and I had a nice time. Its not easy to trust that all will be well, because of the state the world is in. But, I am prepared to put in the physical work, the intellectual work and the spiritual work for a more peaceful and fulfilling life. 

Delayed Interview Outcome

 It turns out I will have to wait till the end of  next week to hear about the outcome of the interview. This news came after I had spent an anxious day waiting for the phone to ring. Its obviously not ideal but it could have been worse. At least this way I can go ahead with my India plans, and even if I don't get the job I will have to trip to look forward to. 

Coasting

 As I wait to hear about the outcome of my UWE interview, I have realised I have been coasting for the past few years. I haven't applied myself fully to anything apart from maybe my PhD. Maybe its the scars from the PhD, maybe its the scars from the pandemic maybe its the combo of the two, but I feel like I have just been coasting. I don't want to turn this into an exercise in self-flagellation. Life is difficult for a single millennial with a lacklustre social life in present-day England. But, there has been no major crisis in my life, and I am tired of being buffeted by the winds in my head. I often complain to myself these days that it has been years since I have felt intelligent or funny. But, the truth is one can feel intelligent only when one applies their mind to something. And, with passion, else they are not fully exerting their mental faculties. So, maybe, if I don't get the job, it will be the kick I need to get off my bottom. Yes, I am not satisfied with my PhD, but my PhD will be done soon. There is no point in moping over an ordinary PhD. I know there is value in my work, even if I don't see it yet. Its time to get moving and move on from my PhD and apply myself to my work. Bring the same dedication that I bring to exercise to my scholarship. It would be one thing if I had a bunch of other hobbies or were busy with family or social life. I don't, so I really don't have an excuse for this half-assed approach towards my profession. Be a bit that like economist who was solving equations on a paper napkin in an aeroplane, which was mistaken for Arabic writing by a Karen. 

Weird Encounter on OkC

Yesterday, I had a weird encounter with a girl on a dating website. In fact, she asked me to start blogging about my dating experiences, so I guess I will start with her. She has messaged me overnight, saying she had a feeling that I did blog about dating (my profile mentioned that I didn't. That exchange soon turned into a very intense conversation about what a bad place she is in her life right now, and how its a constant battle between what she wants and what she needs, as far as her dating life is concerned. I felt pressured to share to keep the conversation going, so I told her how long I had been single for and how I had never been in a long-term relationship. So many red flags in our conversation, but I kept going because she is hot and I have been single and celibate for ages. But, I found the conversation so discomfitting that I didn't sleep well at night. The thought of continuing to interact with her and potentially even meeting her in person stressed me out. Who the hell airs all their dirty laundry the first time they are talking to someone? I needn't have worried though. I went to sleep before I could reply to her last message, and in the morning she was gone. She had blocked me, I guess, thinking I had disappeared. At first, I thought I should have let her know before going to bed. But, then I realised I had dodged a torpedo. This girl seemed like a hot mess from the get-go, and I don't think I can deal with messes right now or ever. The pandemic has wreaked havoc with people's inner lives, and one most tread carefully.