Writing As an Act of Faith

 My writing process starts with starting at a blank screen or doodling until inspiration hits me. Invariably, the time between when you start and when your first idea hits you is frustrating. If it drags on for a long time, you start to doubt whether the project is doable or if you should focus on something else at the moment. Which is fine, and sometimes I do. Other times, a little voice in my head tells me to keep at it, and that a mini-breakthrough is right around the corner. I say mini-breakthrough because your first idea is unlikely to be what makes it to the final copy. You likely abandon it or refine it. But, when it hits you, it produces a burst of writing. It is a heady feeling and my confidence hits the roof. And, then it comes back down when I realize is not as good as I had initially imagined. This happens either the same day or the next day. Either way, you sleep on it and start afresh the next day, waiting for another sliver of inspiration. This process repeats itself until the piece of writing feels complete and I am ready to set it free into the world. That point of fullness can feel elusive, especially with a long project like a PhD. Where no chapter feels complete unless all the chapters feel complete. A project which needs many mini-breakthroughs and a few major breakthroughs as well, which makes it hard to keep the faith. But, the point of fullness does exist and I will reach it not very long from now. I still have some way to go, and I can see it in the distance. Any piece of creative writing (in which I include research) is an act of faith because there is no guarantee it will succeed. That's the difference between creating something new and replicating something that already exists. Ambitious projects are a leap of faith. 

  

Right-Wing Mob Overruns U.S. Capitol

Are we at a point where right-wing movements are the biggest threat to capital accumulation? Today, supporters of Donald Trump stormed the U.S equivalent of Parliament. I wondered how the astonishing scenes would have made me feel if I was a wealthy Republican? Would I would be ecstatic or alarmed? It is one thing when rioters target a (presumably insured) Macy's store. What does it say about the law and order situation when the citadel of U.S. democracy is breached in such cavalier fashion? Would I still trust the law and order machinery to protect my person and property? And, what is American law enforcement good at, apart from protecting (white) property. and terrorizing black people? Even if I am as white as the driven, wealthy, Republican can i b confident that the nob one day won't turn on me?

Marrying Effort and Ease

 The great thing about yoga is it has so many layers to it which you can spend years unpeeling. There is always more to discover. Since injuring my shoulder, I have realized why Adrienne keeps instructing viewers to keep their shoulders down and together and arms turned outwards when our hands on the floor. Before my injury, this instruction flew past me without registering. But, I am not just talking about instructions to do with the body, but also the mind. One idea that I have recently begun paying attention to is marrying effort with ease. Can you exert your physical body while maintaining a calm mind? Step back and observe yourself as you exert your body? There is always the tendency to power through, whip your mind to keep going when you are pushing your body is under stress. Clenched brain and clenched muscles. Is it possible to push your body while keeping your mind calm? I am still trying to figure out. 

PhD Progress

 Yesterday, I hinted about how I am trying to change my attitude towards my PhD's slow progress. I have decided not to sweat about repeatedly missed deadlines, because what's the hurry? We are likely going to be in lockdown for the next few months, and my PhD is the only thing I have to keep me occupied. I don't have any distractions to worry about. In fact, if I didn't have a long-term project that I could keep chipping at over the past 10 months, as I keep telling myself and anyone else who will listen. I realize circumstances could change and I might have new demands on my time. But after all we've been through this year, it seems silly to worry about that. I am doing the best I can, when it comes to my PhD and that is all I can do. My hard deadline is the end of June, and I am confident that I will finish by then. So, I might as well try to enjoy the process. 

P.S. The first day of lockdown wasn't so bad. I started my day early, which is always helpful during winters when one can spend ages in bed the mornings and get increasingly gloomy about all that is wrong with the world. 

Winter Lockdown Begins

 As I had expected, my WFH dilemma turned out to be moot. We are entering a full spring-20202-style national lockdown from tomorrow. The last lockdown began just as the weather was turning towards spring, Being locked down during winter, and a cold winter at that, will be a, for lack of a better word, interesting experience. As far as I remember, the last lockdown started to fray when the weather became warmer. Whether a cold winter will induce people to hunker down at home, or mingle in each other's home is anybody's guess. I went in to uni today, knowing that it might be my last time there in a few months. It felt odd being in a deserted building, with most people keeping away because they were being cautious or responsible or both. I felt myself trying not to draw attention to my presence, quickly realizing that this wasn't going to be a conducive atmosphere for writing. But, I managed to do some citation work and also have the beef burger that I had been denied when my annoying housemate tested positive for Covid before Christmas. As I was leaving uni, news came in that Scotland had announced a full lockdown from midnight, so it was inevitable that England would follow soon. I feel like I am as prepared as I could be. I only wish some of my housemates were spending lockdown away. As luck would have it, one of them came back yesterday after being away for a month. It will take me a few days to adjust to his presence, although he is no bother at all. My recipe for surviving this lockdown is regular yoga, blogging, making sure I get out of the house at least every other day, and not being hard on myself about my PhD progress. But, my shift in attitude towards my slow PhD progress is a topic for another day. 

To WFH or not to WFH

 I have been toying with the decision whether to resume working from the PhD office at uni or continue WFH. As a consummate overthinker, I listed all pros and cons, and even threw in some game theory. If my officemates chose to stay away, then it would be perfectly safe to work from uni. But, if they came in thinking they would be the only ones in, not so much. If I chose to WFH, the thought of an possibly empty office would trouble me. I am not asking  the others what they plan to do on the PhD whatsapp group, because I don't want to put any ideas into their head. I was toying with whether to request a mask-on-at-all-times rule or take turns to use the office. But, my PhD colleagues are quite fickle, so I am sure they would not stick to their agreed days. There is also a nagging sense of guilt that I would be a bit of a free-rider if I went in while everybody else kept away. But, if they don't want people to come in they should just close the campus. In any case, this might be a moot dilemma because we are likely to be in full lockdown soon. Maybe the lesson from this pandemic is not be more decisive, but to realize that many of the choices that we agonize over are not that important, so we shouldn't sweat so much over them. 

Planning

 I was idling on the instagram the other day when I came across a post extolling the virtues of planning. The author said when she is faced with a crisis, her way of coping is to plan her way out of it. She quickly followed up with some guff about taking responsibility for your own happiness. I am the same. My instinct is to anticipate, plan and prepare. The moment crisis hits, even if I start having anxiety symptoms, my rational mind jumps into action. But, I also realise this is just a coping mechanism. You face a crisis, and you quickly make a plan to avert or rectify the situation. And, then what? Your cannot be on perpetually planning mode and you may not always get the chance to execute your plan. What do you do then? How well can you cope with a situation in which you are helpless and can do nothing but wait? When the shit hits the fan, planners will plan, fretters will fret and zens will remain zen. The point is what do you do after that first reaction.You can't plan your way out of every crisis, and in a world riddled with uncertainty you can't plan for infinite potential crises.