Subroto Roy Sahara

 Today, I finished watching a documentary series on Subroto Roy Sahara, who ran possibly the world's biggest Ponzi scheme for decades. The film was very mediocre and the extent of their research was interviewing journalists who had covered the case when it broke out a few years ago. but the film took me back six years, when I was working for The Wall Street Journal/Dow Jones Newswires. I was assigned the story and relieved of my regular beat because the WSj deputy bureau chief took a shine to me.

The story took me to many places I would never have visited otherwise. Lucknow, Gorakhpur, Dhubri, Silliguri, villages in Rae Bareilly, apart from New Delhi and Kolkata. In hindsight, it was fun but at the time I remember feeling like I was completely out of my depth. Subroto Roy was no garden-variety rogue. Rumour had it he was a benaami for some of India's biggest political leaders--he held and invested ill-gotten funds on their behalf. By then, it was obvious to me that I wasn't a newshound. My core competency in journalism was my writing skills and my intelligence. i had no talent for ferreting out news, especially in a place like India. where the standard of streetsmartness is very high. 

No one broke any big stories about Subroto Roy except for a exceptionally well-connected banking reporter whic had extensive contacts within the central bank. Among India's rogue billionaires, Soubroto Roy is the most enigmatic. No one has a convincing explanation for the source of his wealth. I just wish I had set my expectations lower and treated the assignment as a holiday. But, I was too conscientious. 

Nightmares vs Sleeplessness

Exactly six months ago, I wrote a post about how I was having trouble sleeping for the first time in years. That was a few weeks into lockdown, when death rates were soaring and the air was heavy with fear. I remember I was visited by bouts of sleeplessness that would last a few days every two-three weeks. As the pandemic eased and death rates fell my sleep improved, and I haven't had trouble sleeping for months now.

Last night, however, I could feel that my anxiety levels had perceptibly risen, along with the soaring infection rates as we gird for a second wave and possibly a second lockdown. To add to my stress, the next month or so is crucial for me as I am preparing a job application and trying to turbocharge my thesis writing. If Covid wants to strike at the worst possible moment, it would be now. So, I was prepared for the first of possibly many sleepless nights. During such phases, it often happens that I feel drowsy during bedtime, nod off for a few minutes and wake up with a jolt that sweeps my drowsiness away. While that happened last night too, it wasn't a precursor to a sleepless night. I managed to sleep but was assailed by multiple nightmares, which I could remember clearly when I woke up in the morning. But, as it often happens with nightmares, I couldn't remember even one a few hours later. A friend told me a few weeks ago that she had been getting the most bizzare nightmares too. She is going through an extremely stressful situation so I wasn't surprised. But, maybe nightmares are a coping mechanism, as the brain processes the various negative emotions experienced during the day. I am sure neuroscientists and scientists have studied nightmares extensively, but the point of this blog is to hold forth on subjects with a rookie's confidence. Whatever the physiological purpose of nightmares, I would take them over sleeplessness any day. 

Another Housemate To Exit

 When I got a mail from the landlady this morning telling us she will be dropping by for a viewing today, I took the news without missing a beat. My housemates have become so peripheral to my life that they are almost interchangeable. Don't get me wrong--I get along perfectly fine with them. But it would be a stretch to even call us acquaintances. And, I couldn't be more satisfied with this arrangement. I know this arrangement where I am indifferent ot people I am living with cannot go on for years. If nothing else, I will start to resent the presence of strangers in my habitation, eventually. But, six years into my second stint as a student, I feel I have reached the peak of adjustability. It has surprised me how adjustable I have become without becoming a doormat. It takes years to learn to carve out as small a pace as you can live in, but then occupying that fully. Not tolerating encroachments into your nook. 

Its not all hunky-dory though. While I have seen three housemate changes in the past 10 months, but the one I hope will move out steadfastly clings on. But, even she has been occupying less space in my head compared to a few months ago. 

Employment Prospects

 I woke up in a funk today, so instead of going to uni and whiling away hours on Twitter and news website, I decided to go for a haircut and do some food shopping in the neighbourhood. It was a good idea because I was feeling much better when I reached uni around half 11. As soon as I booted my computer, I checked if they had advertised for job openings in my department and I discovered they had. The news threw me into a tizzy and I went from feeling demotivated about work to feeling nervous with excitement. After popping in to see my supervisor to convey my enthusiasm for the job, I started working on the logistical bits of the application to work off the nervous energy. I was too excited to do any actual writing, either for the application or on my thesis.

The next few weeks are going to be extremely busy. I am worried that I will be too focussed on my job application to work on my PhD, which will put me further behind. However, applying for jobs is not a month-long full-time job. So, I am going to try to work on my PhD thesis when I am bored of writing the application and vice versa, instead of trying to draw up a schedule of work and allocate a fixed number of hours to each endeavour. That ahs never worked for me. 

Conspiracy Theories

This morning I had an argument with my Mum on Whatsapp about Covid-19 pandemic being planned by pharma companies. She had sent a link to a page with weak circumstantial evidence about how people had been warning about the pandemic. After my uncle pointed out that the author of the piece was a right-wing conspiracy theorist, my Mum said we didn't have to agree with everything he said. The argument spilt over into our evening telephone cal,l along with the evergreen debate about whether class or caste are the primary form of oppression in India today.

In ordinary times, I would be concerned that my Mum has an affinity towards right-wing conspiracy theories, but these are not ordinary times. Everyone is coping as best they can. In these emotional times, it feels neigh impossible to bring someone to your side of the argument with points that you find eminently reasonable. And, which the opposite person feels are steeped in emotion. It feels so difficult to see the opposite person's point of view in any debate that one wonders if there is any point in even trying. Maybe there isn't. Maybe verbal sparring helps people let off steam but I find it emotionally draining, especially with loved ones. I discuss the news and current affairs with my parents regularly and the conversation has always been amicable, except for today. While there was no shouting or screaming, there was definitely a sharp edge in the conversation. 

Quality of Solitude

 There are two ways to tackle loneliness, apart from doing nothing and letting the feeling pass. To seek company or to seek a higher quality of solitude. In Covid times (and for an international PhD student in a tiny programme) the latter is the easier option. I am going through a lean patch in my PhD, which is when boredom and loneliness are most likely to strike. So I decided to go in to uni today even though it was pelting, I walked because I would have been drenched if I had cycled. So, I walked to uni while listening to music on my phone. The walk was a slog because I was walking into a headwind but when I reached my office and saw the full-length window panes covered by water droplets (from the oustide) I knew it was worth it. The sight of water trickling down glass panes is strangely soothing to me, and watching the rain while jazz music playing was a capital experience. I didn't get much done in uni but that was expected. Since I have unfollowed people who post about India news on Facebook, my feed is full of dumb videos, which I enjoy watching. The walk back home was very pleasant too as I didn't have the wind in my face. All in all, my efforts to improve the quality of my solitude went well.

Day 1 Of Emotional Distancing

 My first day of distancing myself from India news didn't go as well as I had hoped. Today was an unproductive day workwise and my problem is since I don't have a life outside work, when I am not working I end up on Twitter or news websites. I am going to resist the urge to whine about my lack of hobbies and senseless pastimes and move swiftly on. Today, I found myself visiting profiles on Twitter that I had unfollowed last night. But at least this way I am aware that I may encounter bad news, and bad news doesn't take me as much by surprise as when it lands in my Twitter feed. Emotional distancing is a gradual process and I shouldn't expect it to happen overnight. Weaning myself of Indian news won't be easy as the mind often craves the macabre even if mindful of the distress it may cause, like a moth drawn to a flame that burns it. Even if there is no way to cover my eyes, at elast I can ut up some filters between my eyes and the burning world.