I read a piece so good today, that I am struggling to decide what to quote from it. Correction: I listened to the author reading out her piece. The piece was a tribute to the author, James Baldwin, and talks about the centrality of ambivalence in both his non-fictional and fiction characters. It goes on to talk about the author's own maturing as a writer, and her recognition of the importance of ambivalence. The dictionary definition of ambivalence is the state of having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something or someone. It is most decidedly not fence-sitting or the inability to make up ones' mind. It is an innate skepticism towards grand ideas, whether one's own or others, and grand persons, whether oneself or others. An inability to be sold completely on anything or anyone and a limitless appetite for criticism of oneself and others. It can often be mistaken for negativity, cynicism or grouchiness. If not channeled into writing or other forms of self-expression, it can be harmful for one's mental well-being. The reason the piece chimed with me is I feel like I have the sensibility of a writer, even though I don't have a writer's talent. And, the core of that sensibility is ambivalence, the inability to lash myself to the mast of any grand idea or ideology. I have often wish I could find a cause to sink myself in and find people whose belief is as strong as mine to befriend/romance. But, that has not happened, and is unlikely to happen. If I self-identify as being ambivalent, I cannot take any pronouncements on my character as full or final. Maybe, in the future, I will find a cause to dive in. I am not holding my breath, though.
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