Reserving Judgement

 Am I a good supervisee? Is my supervisor good? If you ask me these questions today, I would unhesitatingly answer No and No. But, today, is not a good time to answer these questions. I am still in the eye of the storm, emotions and stress are running high and I am seeing everything through rage-tinted glasses. Maybe I should reserve judgement on both these questions until some time has past. Or, forever. Maybe we are both doing the best we can, and that is all there is to it. 

Couples Breaking Up

I have been fretting about my PhD, and a friend I will be visiting the day after just told me she is houseless. She had a massive tiff with her ex-boyfriend and current housemate and has had to leave her home in a hurry. I am also witnessing a 17-year-old marriage crumble on  twitter and even though I don't know the person, I feel sad at how a break-up seems to bring out the worst in people. Or, change people for the worse. Having never been in a long-term relationship, I can't pretend to understand what a break-up feels like. But, even from my remote vantage point it sounds terrible. 

Irrational Anger

I have spent the past few days feeling furious at someone in my professional life. And, I know for a fact that my anger is mostly irrational. The person hasn't done anything to even remotely justify the strength of my feeling. And, I have realised that feelings aren't sacrosanct. Adrienne has a class where she talks about the possibility of controlling your feelings, or at least trying. For a long time, I disagreed with that view (and still disagree with her use of the word 'control'). Having spent a large part of my life repressing how I felt about someone, I was all for letting feelings flow freely. But, people grow and hopefully I have come out of the phase where I had to consciously not repress my feelings. 

No, you can't force yourself to feel or not feel a certain way. But, you can talk yourself down on the anger scale or up a few notches on the mood scale if you realise that your feelings are not based in reality. I use the word rational carefully, but reason has its uses even in matters of the heart. And self-talk can be a vital buffer between your feelings and your subsequent actions. 

Anger at a person is rarely just that. I know for a fact that in this case, my anger at her is partly my anger at myself and my jealousy for her intelligence and success. Unpeeling anger is very useful. It doesn't mean you won't feel that angry again soon, but at least you know that anger will not be overpowering. 

Desperation and Determination

One off my PhD colleagues who finished last year told me he wrote most of his PhD in 6 weeks. During those 6 weeks, he did nothing else. In his telling, he would wake up and work on his PhD until his brain couldn't take it any more. Almost every day for six weeks. I was wondering when I would be able to work in similar frenzied fashion, and I think finally the wait is over. I have been working in as close to a frenzy as I can for the past two days. I have four days more before I leave for Brighton and exactly one month until I leave for the U.S. For more than a year, I have been trying to get my theoretical framework in to shape, and finally I feel like I have reached a do-or-die stage. I can't imagine having to cancel my US trip because I am too far behind on my PhD. There are other reason I might have to call it off--cancelled flight, Covid, some other hell--but not because of my PhD. I feel a heady mix of desperation and determination. 

Elements Again

 Today, I restarted Elements, the bodyweight programme that had shown promising results for my shoulder last year for a bit. My last physio (number 4) turned out to be a dud. He is out of ideas but too roud to admit so. he didn't change a single exercise from last time. So, I have decided to drop him and go back to Elements. But, this time I am going to do it differently. I am going to take it super-slow. Just 30-mins three times a week instead of 45-minites five times a week. I am also going to try to obsess less about my shoulder. My problem has always been trying to rush my recovery, doing the shoulder rehabilitation exercises with a vengeance. This time I am going to take my time. If I look less buffed, so be it. If my tummy looks less taut, so be it. 

Holiday in Cornwall

The Cornwall holiday failed to meet even my low expectations. Why the low expectations? Because I am not a seaside person, because the weather forecast was not great, and because the friend I was with is not a soul friend.  She is a dear friend, but I have come to realise that you can have dear friends whom you would rather not spend extended lengths of time with. But, that is the subject of another blog post. I caught a cold a day before my Cornwall trip, and the wind and the intermittent sun of Cornwall made it worse. This particular cold has given me food for thinking about my relationship with exercise and whether it turns abusive at times. I knew fully well it was not a great idea to go for a hill run before a day and night out, but I still did. And, I am paying the price. I don't expect to find all the answers today, and maybe there are no clear answers. So, I am just going to leave it at that. 

Sore Throat Before Hols

 As luck would have it, I woke up with a sore throat this morning. Not great timing, since I am due to go to Cornwall tomorrow. I spent most of the morning moping, but then the day got better, even though my throat didn't. I also met my friends for dinner in the evening, after apprising them of the situation, and making sure they were ok with me attending. It was pouring when I left for dinner, and I arrived at the restaurant drenched. I didn't feel great during the dinner, but I forced myself to make conversation. And, do you know what, it worked. My mood lifted as dinner progressed and by the end of the dinner, I was feeling buoyant. I was hit by the micro-epiphany that the worst that could happen was that I would test positive for Covid and have to cancel the vacation and lose a fair bit of money. I am on the path to cultivating a more healthy relationship with money, so I am confident that that bit won't rankle. The only other thing to worry about was not to give a cold to my friend. I could take adequate precautions with that. I am fortunate that a cold doesn't knock me out completely.