Leap Day

Since today comes once every few years, what better way to look back to four year ago? Since I didn't have a blog then, I don't remember what I was doing on 28th February, 2016, but I can remember the period. I was at home in Thane, having finished my course the previous December and applying to PhD programmes. I remember the BJP government had declared war on the left by slapping sedition charges on JNU students earlier that month. I was in Delhi when that happened and marched with the students of JNU, demanding the charges be revoked. The atmosphere was electric and I was so moved that I was in quarter of  my mind to ditch my plan of going abroad for my PhD and apply to JNU. However, my enthusiasm started to wane after I returned to Mumbai and after a few weeks I had abandoned my plan.
That was an agonizing long summer. The demons in my head had started to sway but had broken into a dance. That would come in the monsoons, as I was recovering from second brush with dengue. But, looking back, the signs was there. Feelings of resentment towards one of my parents would suddenly bubble up. I suffered bouts of nerves before two English-language tests which were easy as could be. Since I fancied myself as a cool cucumber I was puzzled by my nervousness.
I have talked about what came later in bits and pieces on the blog. Suffice to say that my life has turned out exactly how I hoped it would four years ago. I have so much to be grateful for and I try not to take it for granted. I await  the years to the next leap day with hope and anticipation.

Attention-Seekering

Being a firm introvert, my threshold for what counts as attention-seeking behaviour is low. Perhaps one of the only social disadvantages of being an extrovert is the possibility of being accused of ASB. What one person might see as ASB, another person might find genuinely entertaining. We don't have a problem with ASB per se. We only feel peeved when we feel the person is not worthy of our attention. We then pathologize ASBas stemming from low self-esteem which fuels a need for constant validation. And there is a gender bias here. Women are likely to  be accused of ASB far more frequently than men. And men who exhibit what we see as ASB are portrayed as effeminate. 

Falling Apart

A pogrom of Muslims in India, coronavirus spreading like wildfire around the world. Many posts this year are going to be about impending doom--you have been forewarned. And, to top it all, I am struggling to deal with a colleague who maybe on the spectrum. I feel overwhelmed to be honest. The prospect of a two-month lockdown of the country is distressing as my life in England isn't designed to be lived indoors. I use my bedroom as a dormitory six days a week, spending almost 11-12 hours outside the house. Well, what will be, will be. My priority is finishing my PhD and my PhD writing will continue. 

The Next Day

As expected, I managed to get some work done today but the drip of bad news continued unabated. Sometimes I wonder if there will come a time when bad news from India won't affect me so much. I have always been a reluctant Indian. Nationalism of even the softest kind discomfits me and I would describe myself as South Asian rather than Indian any day. I have no intention of moving back to India unless I have to and on every visit home it feels less liveable. But, India is in my blood and bones whether I like it or not. I have spent too much of my life there for it not to matter. I might avoid India and Indians (family and friends excepted of course) but India will always occupy a large portion of my mental escape. And, like most occupations, it will be oppressive.

Outrage. Agitation. Resignation. Repeat

Every few weeks, the right-wing mafia that is in federal government perpetuates a fresh outrage, which leaves me shaking with outrage. I vent on Facebook, am agitated for a day or two and then get on with my life. The last time this happened was at the beginning of January, when a mob attacked JNU and the cops just looked on. This time the cops seem to be competing with the rioters over who can brutalize Muslims more. This morning, I ranted on Facebook and thought that I would get on with my day. But, someone on my FB list replied that the Muslims deserved it, and I lost my head. I spent a good hour pondering the best way to respond. I first decided to ignore, then I decided to write a snarky response with a personal attack,a dn then I decided to block him from FB and Whatsapp. Hats off to those who stick  their necks out online, especially women of colour who face the worst abuse. Between the time I wrote the snarky message and blocked the idiot, I was filled with dread about the dirty row that would follow. He would probably say something about me pontificating from abroad, etc. etc. The episode, minor as it was, and the relentless stream of bad news coming out of Delhi, was enough to throw me off my PhD writing. 

I know I will get back to work tomorrow, or at least a day after. My survival mechanism will kick in and I will find something else to to distract me or occupy me. But, I wonder what this endless cycle of outrage, agitation and resignation will have on me in the long term. Maybe what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. When fascism is vanquished, as it will undoubtedly will, either by itself or its ideological foes, it will leave behind a mental social landscape that is battered but tougher. Or at least that is my hope.

Coronavirus

The thing that scares me most about the coronavirus is not that I will catch it. I am young and in good health so I will most likely be fine if I do. I come from the tropics and I have weathered a fair number of tropical infections more formidable than the coronvirus. No, what scares me is if it spreads to the UK, the government will shut down schools and colleges. My current living situation is built on the assumption that I will have regular access to my desk at uni. My house is a 10-min cycle ride and I don't even have a table or chair in my room. Neither do I have a dining table to work on. Being quarantined in a home that feels like a dorm would be a horrible experience. 

Envy

Am I the only one who doesn't like being proven wrong about how smart he thinks someone is? And if the someone does better than you at something, meaning that she or he could be at least as smart or even smarter than you, it burns. Which is why comparing yourself with others, especially when there is no clear way of ascertaining who is better, usually ends badly. You either come away with a chip on your shoulder or smouldering with bitterness. In other words, you either feel superior or inferior. Feeling a little bit of inferior can push you to work harder, and feeling a little superior can bolster your confidence. But you seldom hit the sweetspot, often overshooting into the territory of unabashed arrogance or inferiority. But coming back to the topic of being proven wrong about someone else's intelligence. It is humbling and an indication of one's own intellectual limits.