The Importance of Stupidity

This morning, I read a great piece about the importance of feeling  stupid while doing research. I have written before about how feeling diffident can push one to work harder, especially those of us prone to overconfidence. But, this blog was about something else. It spoke to the primary difference between being a good student and being a good researcher. It is possible to be a good student without being a good researcher. One might be great at grasping the import of other people's discoveries, but might lack the intellectual curiosity and creative thinking to make discoveries of one's own. Being a good researcher involves becoming comfortable with "immersion into the unknown". It takes a lot of getting used to, as I am discovering at the start of the final year of my PhD.
Doing a PhD involves feeling very big (sometimes) and feeling very small (most of the time). A single person's research is a pinprick compared to the vastness of the unknown. But, it is these pinpricks numbering in the billions (and a few stabs by geniuses) that have been the motor of advancement of our species. 

Distractions

Yesterday, I was having an intense discussion with a friend about self-realization and social institutions that come in the way of it like marriage and the glorification of child-bearing. I said these are distractions that take up mental and physical energy, leaving little time or inclination to reflect on one's life. Social norms are a conveyor belt which if you manage to stay on makes life much easier. No one follows social norms to the T and we all bend them to an extent, but there is a difference between bending the rules while pretending to obey them and openly defiance. I am not glorifying the rebellious life and neither do I judge people who are on the conveyor built. Neither am I saying those who have choosen to step off are automatically more enlightened and kind than those who are. All I say is one must aim to be comfortable with oneself whether one chooses to be on or off the conveyor built. I acknowledge that is not always a free choice, and it is a privilege to even have that choice. But the least we can do is identify social norms as being just that--norms--and not the distillation of eternal truths about human nature such as the need for monogamous companionship and children to propagate the race. 

Mosquitoes

I am mortally afraid of mosquitoes, having contracted dengue fever twice in my life and malaria about four times. Given that my last bout of dengue was the trigger for The Troubles, the mere sight of a mosquito sends me into a panic. My fear of mosquitoes even over-rides my eco-guilt, pushing me to use the AC at night even if its cool enough to do without. The AC keeps the mosquitoes away, after all. I can't imagine what it will be like if I catch dengue again so I take as few chances as possible. Maybe my fear of mosquitoes is irrational but all of us have a quota of quirks and I am willing to use up most of mine on this one. 

Not as Smart

The other day I read my psych evaluation from two years ago. I was a mess at the time and my responses to the test questions would have made me cringe were it not for the fact that I have learnt to be kinder and less judgemental. But there was a line in the report that really stuck in my craw. It said my level of ambition was far higher than the creative resources of my personality. That was the psychologist's intepretation of an ink-blot test and some of the tests seemed like vodoo. While drawing inferences about the mental and emotional make-up of a person after spending just a few hours with them is a fraught exercise, this blog is not about the merits and demerits of psych evaluations. It is about how someone else's perception of us could be so different from our own. Maybe a few months ago, being told that my ambition outstrips my potential would have hurt me. But the past few months of PhD life have been a chastening experience and I am much more open to criticism.

New Order

News that the UK Supreme Court had struck down as unlawful Boris Johnson's move to suspend Parliament came as a welcome distraction as I was tussling with the first chapter of my PhD today. Self-identified liberals were jubilant as it reinforced their faith in one of the most important institutions of liberal democracies--a judiciary independent of the  government. I am not so sure it is such a game-changer. The rules of engagement in politics are changing, and the right-wing governments that have swept into power in many countries across the globe don't play by the old rules. If they  are powerful enough, they rewrite the rules to suit them, as they are doing in India. But, there is no guarantee they will play by these new rules if they start to work against them. In fact, I worry more about when the rightwing is in decline because that is when the real violence will start. Fascists don't give up power without a ruinous war.
But putting aside these dismal scenarios for the moment, and putting my wonky hat on: It is times like these when fundamental questions about power and legitimacy become fascinating. Questions such as where does a particular political configuration draw its power and legitimacy from. Money, Military Power, a broad democratic consensus achieved sometimes by lying to the people? 

Confidence Deficit

I have written extensively about pride and overconfidence, here, here and here. But after a longish phase where my confidence has been in deficit more often than in surplus, I wonder whether that's really a bad thing. Maybe people prone to overconfidence function better in a confidence deficit. It pushes them harder, and they have enough innate confidence that keeps them from drowning to the pits of diffidence. People prone to diffidence, on the other hand, are more effective when they are feeling confident. Each category is paralyzed if their natural tendency dominates. 

Back After a Break

I'm back after an involuntary break from work and blogging due to a pesky cold. Having written before about what makes colds so annoying,  I won't bother you again. But, this cold, just like the previous two ones, were brought one by my deciding to exercise even though I was feeling under the weather. I knew I ran a high risk of falling sick before starting my working routine but I feel I am a little addicted to exercise. I was also feeling a little stressed and anxious and needed something to distract me. As it turns out, a cold is an unwelcome and prolonged distraction. Transforming a mental issue into a physical one is not the best way to deal with it. I would like to think that over the years I have become  better at listening to my body and not pushing it beyond the limit. Listening to it, but not heeding it, as it turns out. In any case, there is not use lolling in crying over spilled milk. Hopefully, I have learnt my lesson, at least for the next few months.