Pretty Women

It is interesting to observe how  men change their behaviour in the presence of pretty women. The primary aspects of their personalities go on to overdrive. Men who fancy themselves as jesters try to be funnier, awkward men retreat further into themselves, and smooth talkers become smoother. Often, it ignites the competitive streak in men. It is a little disconcerting that women are still primarily judged on the basis of their  physical apperance, rather than sense of humour or other aspects of their personalities. But it is what it is. One--and I mean both men and women--can't control whether the world finds them hot or  not. But, one can work on one's confidence. "You may not find me attractive,  you might not give me a second glance, but I am still going to walk with my head held high". 

Stop The Coup Protests

There were Stop The Coup protests today all over the country, but I didn't attend. I am all for solidarity but it is always weird when the underprivileged are expected to show solidarity for the more privileged to protest against an action that might bring the privileged closer to the underprivileged. Non-EU immigrants, especially from South Asia and Africa, have been suffering the hostile environment for years. I wish I could find it within me to be more empathetic towards EU migrants but I don't think anyone cares about the support of a non-EU migrant from South Asia since we are of a lower status than them. Our support doesn't matter, I feel.
I know Brexit will affect my life and this seems like a cynical point of view, but sometimes I feel the battle over Brexit is a fight among white people. I have often asked my European friends how they define Europeanness, and some of them have replied with platitudes such as rule of law liberal values. For me, it is the continent of white people. It is difficult for me to imagine that people of colour who live in Europe, feel European. They might feel French, or Dutch, or whatever, because they live there and speak the language, but do they feel European? It would be interesting to hear from them.
And, lastly, as an Indian, I would have felt weird marching for British democracy, considering that Britain was a democracy for all the time it ruled over India. Does that make me a hypocrite as I want to make Britain my home, at least for the time being? Well, I want to make Britain my home but I don't want to be British, even if I take up British citizenship.

Listening

I was having a stressful day and yoga again came to the rescue. In the past few days, I have been second-guessing some of my recent decisions about my PhD thesis. My supervisor expressed her doubts about some decisions, and that has unsettled as well as annoyed me as she could have spoken sooner. But, today's yoga class was about listening to your gut. I was listening to my gut  when I took those decisions, and did what at that point in time I thought was best for me. In hindsight, maybe they will turn out to have been wrong decisions, but as Adrienne says, "People make mistakes!". And, they might not even turn to be mistakes. Everyone has different working styles, and there is no one way to finishing a PhD thesis. I am quite an unconventional PhD student in many respects, so why strive to be conventional now?

Parliament Suspension

As a colleague and I were discussing the 5-week suspension of the UK Parliament by Boris Johnson, I remarked that it was a perfect time to be studying the arcane topic of repo agreements in financial markets, which is something we are both interested in. He replied that who cares about repos when the world is ending. I said if the world is going to end anyway, why not study repos.
But, the world is not ending, only the world as we know it. The liberal capitalist order is crumbling and the fascists and the socialists are fighting to replace it. So far, the fascists are winning, although fascism usually ends up in flames. But when it goes up in smoke, it burns a lot stuff around it. I am too tired to turn this into a blogpost about politics, so I will leave it for now.

Kick On The Rump

Today, I got a much-needed kick on the rump to knock me out of my rut. It was a tad stronger than I would have preferred, but it has hopefully done the trick. I met my PhD supervisors today, and came out feeling how little time I had and how much there is to do. That will likely be how I feel after every meeting with my supervisors until I submit my PhD. I realize the next 10 months will be unlike any other period in my life. I will find strength and reserves that I never knew I had, and hopefully it will also be a tremendously fulfilling experience. I might forget from time to time how much I enjoy research. This is not a battle, this is a labour of love, at the risk of sounding melodramatic. I love my area of research, and am extremely fortunate to be able to  pursue it, guided by an amazing supervisor. There is no other topic that I would rather be researching, and I don't know how many people can say that. Yes, I will have to work out of my skin, but it will be creative work, not donkey work.
And, I will have to give myself many more pep talks, such as this one.

Peer Groups

When I started my PhD, for months, I rued the fact that I didn't have any peers to discuss my research with. Mine was an extremely small PhD programme and most people worked from home. I suppose the drab and dreary PhD office had something to do it. The aching isolation I felt in the first few months compounded the other troubles that had started to surface, which led me to drop everything and rush home.
Things improved swiftly after I returned from the break in my studies. A particularly genial colleague had started her PhD while I was away and we had moved to a new PhD office, which was a much more convival environment. Over the following months, my colleagues became my friends, and the size of the cohort also grew at a steady pace. But, I still didn't have anyone working on a topic close enough to my own that I could discuss my research with them. Until now.
I finally have a colleague whom I can discuss my research with and it feels good. 

'What's To Research Here?'

Today was the second time someone told me my research question is not worth researching. He, too, was a male Indian journalist and also a former colleague who has a heart of gold. I know he didn't mean any malice and I laughed off his question. When someone tells you something is understood perfectly, there is nothing to research here, it should send alarm bells ringing. There is a small chance they are right, but in the social sciences, there is a much higher possibility that they are wrong. I am confident that my research is worthwhile,but it doesn't hurt to be met skepticism from time to time.
If nothing else, it keeps my ego in check.
The past few months have been great for my ego, by which I mean, they have been sobering. I feel very comfortable with my ego. Slights, real or perceived, don't prick me like they used to and I feel less envious of smart people in my field. Someone being praised for their intelligence doesn't make me less intelligent and, I actually feel lucky to have the company of intelligent people, unless they are arrogant jerks. And, even the arrogant jerks don't bother me as much as they used to. I steer clear of them, but without much rancour. This is a healthy  place to be in.