Happy Holidays

I am still getting used to first-world etiquette, or more specifically British etiquette. For instance, I wished an administrator in my PhD programme a Happy Easter without giving it too much thought. She is white and British and it didn't even occur to me to find out if she is a practicing Christian. After all, everyone in India wishes everyone else on Diwali, irrespective of their religion or lack thereof. Just because you are an atheist doesn't mean you can't celebrate Diwali. If nothing else, it is the annual family reunion. But my the  woman in my PhD office responded wishing me a good break too. Her response struck me as being quite tepid, but I didn't give it further thought until I got an email from a faculty member which ended with him wishing me a good break. It is only then that I realized that it is improper to wish anyone on a religious festival if you are not sure of their religious views. This culture gives so much importance to not stepping on other people's toes that navigating it feels like dancing on a hot pan. You can't keep your feet down for too long for fear that you are crushing someone's feet. Is this one reason why English people are so reserved? I mean, of course, whiteness and the othering of coloured folk play a part but that is a topic for another day. When you are constantly afraid of offending the opposite person how can you interact freely with them?

Time

My relationship with time seems to have changed. Over the past few years, time has often hung heavy and I have found myself bored out of my wits on a number of occasions. Now, at least during the week, I feel like I am always in a rush. I'm doing a PhD and don't have any urgent deadlines hanging over my head at the moment but I still feel the urge to squeeze as much work as I can out of every day. And not just work--I religiously do yoga and blog. If I miss a day of either I feel like my day has been incomplete. Maybe that is not very healthy but so it is. Better to be short of time than to have too much time, I guess. After meandering along for a few years, my stream finally seems to be flowing freely and swiftly.

Research

I thought I would be quite bored this semester as I am not teaching. Without teaching, all I would  have to keep me occupied would be my PhD. I had struggled with boredom during the many months I spent in India last year, so I was prepared for time to hang heavy again. Nothing of that sort happened. I am neck-deep in my PhD and loving it. I love the freedom to go anywhere that your mind takes you. There are deadlines and milestones but they are not very punishing. I am not jaded by academia yet. I have medium-term tasks to do, but every day comes with the prospect of new discoveries and new directions. Although my PhD is in economics, I am reading in economic geography, philosophy, psychology, political economy and even a bit of anthropology. All this might sound like a very haphazard way of working but I have faith that there is a method to the madness. I know there are numerous tropes about how difficult and despair-inducing a PhD is. Most of them are coded in humour but the subtle message is if you are not having a dreadful time in your PhD you are not doing a worthwhile PhD. I have decided to take these tropes with a pinch of salt. I am sure there will be challenging times but I am really enjoying myself at the moment. I feel like I am finally doing what I am meant to do. 

Young Blood

A young Chinese man is currently staying in my househare. He is all of 17 and spending 10 days here because his school is out for Easter. Why here? Because China is too far and he wanted to see a new city. He cooks, goes sight-seeing, is cheerful and generally acts like a pretty sorted adult. I used to think of myself as a pretty independent teenager, but the adolescent me couldn't hold a candle to him. After meeting him, I felt a little embarrassed about the amount of time I spend thinking about loneliness and how to make friends. And here is this young man already living life on his own terms. It has taken me years to get to a place where I am comfortable with myself and I still don't think I'm there yet. Sometimes you can find inspiration in the strangest places and from the strangest people! Yes, there are problems in life, there will always be problems in life, but the show must go on. 

Cults and Faiths

I met a friend yesterday who used to be part of a spiritual movement which he had introduced me to last year when it felt like my world was unraveling. I went for a couple of meetings and also visited the house block where some of them lived together. At the time, I was desperate for a way out of the pits and their message--which was that we all have an eternal awareness or  intelligence that remains intact irrespective of what's happening or not happening in our lives (the data)--was somewhat appealing. If only I could look past all my data. Going to the meetings gave me some succor and company during those dark dreary times, although I couldn't look past the fact that I was the only non-white, and apart from my friend, the only non-Brit in the group.
My friend told me he had left the group because the level of devotion and blind faith that the founding leader had started demanding had become unacceptable for him. He had also discovered some unethical, if not outright illegal, financial practices. In short, it had become like a cult. He was worried about some of his friends still in the group,who were so devoted to it and the leader that if for some reason they had to leave, they would go to pieces. That got me thinking. At what point, do strong beliefs become unhealthy?
All cults and many causes demand boundless faith and unflinching devotion. When does strong faith become too much faith? This could be religious faith but also faith in a political cause, such as communism. I guess one marker could be when it starts to affect your relationships with  people who don't share your faith. Of course, newfound faith or awareness might lead you to shed some relationships that you realize are not serving you, which is not necessarily a bad thing. I am talking about relationships that you have decided to maintain. If you find yourself cramming your beliefs down other people's throats and they react with displeasure, that is a sure sign that you are taking it too far. Your insights and beliefs might seem infallibly rational and logical, but they are just that--beliefs. You have to accept that you cannot really step into someone else's shoes to see how they perceive your beliefs. So the least you can do is show some understanding and empathy towards those that don't think like you.
As for the question of how would deep believers react if they lost faith for some reason, I think its a moot point. I am not sure it is possible to dial down your emotions to do with something you feel strong about. When it comes to some causes and beliefs, you are either all in or all out. It falls to each person to introspect whether their faith is serving them or not and to let it go if its not. And let go without judging the faith, those who still have the faith, and yourself for having been swayed by the faith once upon a time. Life is difficult and we all bank on an edifice of beliefs--implicit or explicit--to tide us through. Many things in life could make the roof come crashing down on our heads and loss of faith is just one of them. That doesn't mean we can or should do something about it.
That said, I see the wisdom of not giving oneself completely to someone or something. But this realization came to me after I had let go of some beliefs that were holding me back. That journey was a deeply personal one and the outcome was not the result of logical reasoning. Here is something I wrote on the topic. Don't give yourself fully to anything or anyone. Keep an inch for yourself. So when people leave or projects end or beliefs collapse, you have something to come back to. Even if your lover stays or you discover your life's mission. Don't submerge yourself in either. Allow the possibility that there is more to you than your faith.

Stupid People

As #deletefacebook gathers wind following the Cambridge Analytica allegations, here is a balanced take on the subject. Far too many people anti-Brexiters and anti-Trumps believe their opponents lied liberally and sold their ideas better. People who are on the left believe our world is in the state it is in because the capitalists and neo-liberals are good at deceiving people and marketing their ideas. The war for political power is reduced to a battle of marketing techniques, and they spend a lot of mental fuel in thinking of ways to win it. Yes, fake news is a problem, a big problem. But, for all those liberals crying about propaganda, news has always been about propaganda. It is just that the traditional liberal elite have lost control full control of  the narrative, and have been upstaged by a rogue elite. Yes, it is in the interests of capitalists and states to lie to people and deceive them but surely the lies chime with something in the people's lived experiences. You can target tailor-made ads at people who are "susceptible" to tilting to your point of view, but shouldn't your opponents question why the people are susceptible in the first place. Here again, left-liberals deride the Trump and Brexit supporters as irrational whereas it would be more useful to see them as emotional. Just as emotional as left-liberals. 

One Year Ago

One year ago today, I went rushing back to India. I didn't know it back then but that was me pressing the refresh button, going back to square one. Returning home to start a new journey. From the above lines, it might seem like I was bursting with positivity and hope, but it was the opposite. Going back home was an act of desperation. I knew that going home wouldn't make magically make things right, but I didn't know what else to do. In fact, my health worsened after I got home as I was finally free to unwind and go to pieces.
My recovery (or should I call it a realignment?) started about a month after I got home and is still in progress. Family, friends, a doctor, a counsellor, yoga, an author I hadn't read in years helped me along. Everyone I confided in about my condition, without exception, responded with love and understanding. People I wasn't very close to confided that they had suffered something similar and reassured me that things would get better. To realize my strength, I had to learn to be vulnerable and seek help. I had to put all pride aside.
Looking back, I can say that the last year was a watershed year. I have learned so much, about myself, about life, about people. Despite the fact that I am friendless here and often feel lonely, I feel more at peace with myself than I have felt in years. I don't feel like a different person, but I feel like I am truer to myself now and am gaining the courage to be myself. I have also learned that life is never beyond redemption, that life always give you a second chance if you are so willing.