5 Hours of Teaching

My throat held up for the most part, and I didn't go to pieces. Even thought two buses didn't turn up, and the bus that did took an hour. It did feel like fate was continuing to toy with me. But, what do you do? Ride the crests, cling on during the troughs, remember? Tomorrow is another five-hour teaching day, and I am fast discovering that shelving to-do-things mentally needs practice. Taking on the stress of everything that needs to be done is a recipe for breakdown. "I will worry about this at XXX point in the future". Maybe I will be able to do a better job of its if I worried about it now, but too bad. The world is growing madder by the day, and me teaching dodgy economics slightly less badly isn't going to make a hoot of difference. 

HET Lecture/Seminar Tomorrow

 I have to give a two-hour lecture/seminar twice tomorrow. I am nervous because it is on a topic that I am far from an expert in. It is also a topic that it takes to build expertise in. I am nervous about two things i) being asked questions for which I haven't the foggiest idea and being shown up by a smart ass (of which I have been warned) 2) Finishing my 35 slides within 20 minutes and the seminar earlier. The last time I had to give a lecture I had practiced it to time. This time I don't have the time or energy. What is to be done? About the first, be open about the fact that you are also new to the topic, that excites you and doesn't intimidate you. Two, if there is someone who knows more than you, welcome it. Don't take a challenge as a personal affront. The fact is that I am instinctively a good teacher, so I don't have to try hard to remember these points. On the second point, prep a bit more. Jot down the points you want to make so you don't forget. And, think of it as an active exercise, not passive speech delivery. You might think of something while you are lecturing. All and all, I know I have done my best in quite challenging circumstances. It feels like life has thrown everything and the kitchen sink at me these past few weeks. And, I am still standing. 

Fate's Endless Demands

It feels like just as I adjust to a situation life throws me an unnecessary curveball. My Covid turned out to be the worst cold I have had in months. Today, was the first day that I felt that I was clearly on the mend. But, that came after a rough night in which I woke up sweating and struggled to fall asleep later. I had to calm myself down by saying that whatever has happened and whatever will happen is not my fault. It worked, and I managed to get a bit of fitful sleep after that. Towards the evening, I sent an email to my boss asking if I could move tomorrow's class online. I expected a straightforward yes, but it was not to be. Apparently, the uni wou;d rather endanger the health of staff and students than move classes online. I shouldn't have asked, so if I was caught, I could have plead ignorance. but, too late for now. There are so many decisions I have made over the last two years that I regret that I wouldn't know where to begin or end. Why start making a tally now? The world is going crazy, the threat of nuclear war doesn't seem very distant, and classes should not move online is the hill that uni administrators would choose to kill people on. Dodgy economics must be taught, come hell or high water. So, I mailed the timetabling team and got a out-of-office reply. Not my problem. I mailed my students and told them tomorrow's class is cancelled. That problem has been dropped into a drawer and I have slammed the drawer shut. It will be opened later in the week. Or not, I don't care. I am going by the book this time, having learnt my lesson not to go by the book next time. 

Hey-ho, such is life, or such is life now. 

What A Days

 My last post was titled 'What A Day' and was written about two weeks ago. There have been a few more binfires after that. My shoulder has taken a turn for the worst (I think) since it started acting up two years ago. We were set upon by storms last week, which showed no sign of letting up. And, when they did I came down Covid. Even the mundane stuff over the past two weeks happened with more drama than required. I spent a few days going back and forth over which physio to pick for my shoulder. I was anticipating a long wait so imagine my surprise when I got an appointment for this week. Except that life was not done messing with me. The same evening my Covid symptoms came on. The following morning I went back and forth over whether to get tested, and I immediately regretted it after getting tested, as I knew I would whichever course of action I chose. This morning I woke up to find that I had tested positive and sank back into my bed. Apart from the physical discomfort of being sick, there would now be the logistical bother of moving my teaching online and keeping myself fed without taking help from my housemates or ostensibly breaking quarantine. I pretended I hadn't seen the message and went to the shops the first thing in the morning when there is barely anyone about. I then broke the news to my housemates, parents and friends. 

After the rocky start, the day picked up. I taught, prepared for next week's seminar and cooked. And, I also began to feel pride in how I have copped. Yes, luck has not been on my side for the past few weeks. But, I have coped quite well. And, I don't feel like I am going to pieces like I was six months ago. There have been cracks in the roof and there may be more cracks in the coming days, but the roof has not caved in. As I write this, my fever has picked up again, setting off a train of worries about what will happen if I don't recover by next week. Well, there will be more logistical adjustments to be made but that's not the end of the world. That is happening and will happen in its own time, my actions of fortune will have no influence on it whatsoever. Life will continue to unfurl, my luck will turn (hopefully for the better). Is there any better wisdom about life than to ride the crests and cling on during the troughs?

What a Day

What a day! It started with a flat tyre and ended with me being threatened with a punch to the face by my housemate. Actually, it ended with him apologizing to me, which was good of him or the least he could do. I messaged my landlady telling her what happened, but I deleted the messages before she had read them and after he apologized. Maybe I should have let her know all the same, but I could really do without the bother. I don't know whether I will be cold or warm towards him from this point on. I will behave according to how I feel. When he threatened me, he actually looked like he would punch me. For a while,I thought maybe I should have goaded him on and taken the punch. That would have been a solid reason to have him kicked out, and I would finally know what it feels like to be punched in the face. It would also have caused a whole lot of unpleasantness  and my sleep would have been out of the window. Him apologizing and me accepting was the best possible outcome. I did not feel very emasculated either. He looks like he has been in punch-ups before, and I am reasonably sure he would have messed up. But, this experience made me realise that I don't have to live this way. I can afford a bigger place with fewer and saner housemate, and I am going to take baby steps in that direction. 

Social Media

It is a truism to say that spending too much time on social media is bad for mental well-being. But, why? I am not going to talk about its addictive nature. For me, its bad because it constantly shows you the extremes of human condition. It shows you people at their best and at their worst, both in terms of their behaviour and their achievements and failures/misfortunes. Constantly hearing about how great (some) people are doing can excite envy and insecurity. it is one thing to know that there countless people who are infinitely smarter, more talented, more hardworking, more fortunate and more successful than you, and it quite another to have that fact demonstrated to you everyday. On the other hand, constantly hearing about how badly (some) people are doing can spark anything from despondency, fear (that that thing might happen to us) and guilt (for finding life difficult even in the absence of a personal calamity). The banal middle of the human experience is missing on social media. It is healthy to see normal people going about their mundane lives,, with nothing terrific or terrible to report. But, of course, that is boring. Which is why the best strategy is to reduce time spent on social media. 

Back to Yoga

The past five weeks have been my longest break from yoga and blogging. I have gone off blogging because I suddenly realised its a blog on the internet and could potentially be read by anyone. What started as musing on life had morphed into occasional musings and more frequently grumblings about MY life. The blog has become more of a personal diary and a window into my soul. I am not comfortable about that and I am not sure how to proceed. The blog started as a collection of insights I had gleaned about life, armed with emotional and intellectual tools acquired during the previous year. Maybe I am done with the easy pickings of wisdom and any additional wisdom is much harder to acquire. But, as I ponder about the future of this blog (in a post on the blog), I am happy to report that I have not gone off yoga permanently. I did a session today and it felt like I imagine a comfort blanket would feel. That is extremely reassuring.