Mountain Out of A Molehill

 The thing that I had been dreading passed without a whimper. Five days of stress for nothing. But I am just glad its over. My fears were irrational--I knew that when I was afraid, just as much as I knew it now. Sometimes, it is possible to talk yourself out of stress or fear. I haven't been able to do so in the past few months, and that's fine. If the past 18 months have eroded my stress tolerance buffers, that is no surprise. I am just glad I haven't allowed the fear to paralyze me, and have soldiered on. Sometimes, tough times last longer than you would expect. But, rays of sunshine break out from time to time. 

Fear

 I woke up at around 4:00 am yesterday, as I usually do these days, feeling angry about my additional workload and half-salary. I had planned to chip away at grading but I was too frazzled for that. I spent a few hours contemplating. At the beginning, I thought that I would wait till Monday to see how I felt and then possibly asked to be relieved of the additional workload. But, it was clear to me that I would feel no differently on Monday, so I decided to write to my supervisor that same day. The only question was what to say. Should I tell him that I am struggling to cope, feel stressed all the time and am having trouble sleeping? That was the initial plan and I drafted the email, but just before sending the email I thought I would consult a colleague who I know from our UWE days. I am glad I did because saying I was going to pieces would have been a categorically bad idea. I went with "just about coping" and half salary. My supervisor, bless him, replied immediately. I don't know how I would have endured the weekend if he hadn't. But, it turns out he wasn't even aware that I had been given the additional workload and he swiftly set the record straight. The sneaky bastard who tried to draft me for his section of the course hasn't replied, and I fear he will kick up a fuss tomorrow. I should have been more assertive when he "asked" me and told my supervisor that this wasn't part of the deal. But, I am not going to be too hard on myself. You live and you learn. I was trying to be low maintenance, but I have realised that makes me ripe for exploitation. And, the sneaky bastard has revealed his nature, so I am going to be extra-careful around him. 

I didn't sleep well last night. I had a nightmare which jerked me awake and I couldn't go back to sleep. I suppose I am worried about how this incident will play out tomorrow. But, I am proud of how I am coping. I broke the back of my grading load today, finishing more than I had planned. 

No Respite, Only Spite

It clearly was a bad idea to share with my parents how stressed I am. After our phone conversation this evening, my mom called me up saying she was worried about me. So, yes, the next few conversations will involve me reassuring my mother that I am ok. And, continuing the trend of "No respite, only spite", I just discovered that I am supposed to teach on a section of a module that I was not expecting to have to teach on. A professor "asked" if I would be willing to help. I would feel less disgruntled if I was being paid full salary, but that is not the case. This piece of news overshadowed the relief I felt on being informed that my visa application had been approved. Since I have joined this university, there have only been unpleasant surprises--more work than anticipated, both in terms of volume and difficulty. 

Turning 36

 I didn't sleep well last night and I had six hours of teaching today. But, the most important words of the sentence are the past tenses. I got through the night and day, and here I am, tired and weary but still standing. I am nearly done with teaching on the first part of Communicating Economics, the module that has been causing me so much stress over the past few weeks. All that remains is grading, which is going to be anything but straightforward. But that too shall pass, and in about two weeks or so, I won't have to worry about this module for at least another year. And, who knows what will happen during that year. So, now, coming to the occasion of my birthday. My only birthday resolution is to not think too far ahead. Easier said than done, I know, but I am getting better at it. 

Fearing the Future Less

Tomorrow is going to be a monster day. Six hours of teaching on my 36th birthday. Not a great way to spend a birthday, even for someone who is not big on birthdays. On the bright side, however tomorrow goes, I will be eating cake at the end of the day. I have no idea how tomorrow will go and I haven't even spent too much time worrying about it. But, at this point, it is also worthwhile to acknowledge how much better I am doing compared to a few weeks ago. I am sleeping much better, and my anxiety is tapering down. I coped admirably in a very difficult set of circumstances. Yes, my circumstances are not unique, but so what? I have done very well, and to acknowledge this fact would be false modesty. I wonder if the events of the past 18 months and the hell that is our future, will force us to be more comfortable with uncertainty? To fear the future, less? 

Drinks With Friends

Yesterday, I went out for drinks with a friend and a few of his friends, and surprise, surprise wanted to stay there longer than him. Introverted me usually leaps at the chance to make an early exit. But, I was enjoying myself, and it was a nice evening in the midst of a gruelling few weeks. Since my weekly teaching is frontloaded, I don't have much time to socialize over the weekends. And, my priority is to finish the bulk of my PHD before Christmas so that I can visit India without having it hanging over my head. I tried working on my PhD today, and barely manged to budge it. I feel like I am going around in circles because I keep running into the same roadblocks again and again. I haven't had an interrupted run at finishing my PhD since July, and the problem with this stop-start game is it takes days to come back to where you had left it off. Moving ahead from Square 1 is difficult enough, made doubly frustrating by the fact that you have to make some effort to get to to Square 1. Maybe I am just making excuses. Maybe I would still be in the same place even if I had no job applications to distract me. It really does feel like I am writing this PhD with my blood. I have given up hopes of hitting that sweet soft from which point onwards everything just falls into place. Now, its about showing up and trying to budge your PhD forward by a few inches. 

Work Drinks

 I  went for my first after-work drinks today, and it wasn't as bad as I imagined.  Yes, I had  to  feign interest in what people were saying at many points, and I didn't mi as much as I probably should have. But, I didn't get bored out of my skull either. I always thought that I would never make friends at Bristol Uni because almost everyone was mainstream. But, who is  looking for fast friends here? Cordial relations with acquaintances can make a place seem much more hospitable. I might  not understand what they are doing or the worth of it. But, we can still enjoy a social drink from time to time.