Attraction is A Mystery

I was listening to a Modern Love podcast the other day and apparently in the American South it is not that uncommon to have white racist men married to black woman. I was quite surprised because mixed-race couples are usually consist of black men and white women,  and not the other way around, or at least that is what I thought. Why that is the case, I don't know. Is it because women are less racist than men? Or because black women don't fit the archetype of a pretty woman in today's society--who is white and slim. So, I was surprised to know that black female-white male couples are not that uncommon.
I could try to come up with reasons why racist white men marry black woman. Maybe they want someone whom they consider inferior and can thus dominate? Or maybe attraction is just beyond the reach of reason. I don't know

Servants of the Map

A few days ago, someone I met on an online dating app asked for short story recommendations and I told her about Servants of the Map, my all-time favourite. I came across it in 2010 and must have read it at least five times since. Last evening, the urge to read it again seized me as I felt like I needed to be transported to another age and another place. The story is set in the 19th century and features a cartographer who is mapping the Karakoram with his team. The story is partly told through his letters to his wife, some of which are responses to her letters that are not revealed in the story. The writing, the setting, the age, the protagonist's introverted personality, all chime with me. I can imagine myself writing those same words if I was in his shoes. For many years, I had a special fondness for stories in which I could personally identify with the protagonist. So, if the protagonist was misfit introvert with a rich inner life and poor outer one, I was all over the story. Over the years, my reading tastes have expanded and I enjoy literature where I don't relate the characters, or at least not in a narrow sense. But, Servants of the Map is special. I luxuriate on every word and read it as one would sip a favourite wine.
The  last time I read it was when the demons were dancing in my head. Insomina was a frequent guest at the time, and since I couldn't sleep I started reading the story. I would love to say the story lulled me into a peaceful sleep, but it didn't. The demons were too powerful at the time. But, it transported me to a different world for an hour or so, which is all it was meant to do. 

Standing Up to Fascists

A BLM protest scheduled for today was cancelled to avoid clashes with far-right thugs. The decision to cancel was contentious but was later praised as the thugs,  finding no one to fight, turned their booze-fueled energy towards the police. There were a few clashes, but in the videos and pictures I saw it was thugs getting beaten up.
I have always felt that fascism, when it grows beyond a point, cannot be contained. It either has to be crushed with force or left to burn out (and burn up everything around it). I don't mean to sound flippant but looking at the situation in India it feels like when someone has been converted to the cause of fascism it is neigh  impossible to bring them back. Only a huge shock can turn them away from fascism. 

What To Do With The Statute

So the Colston statute has been fished out of Bristol Harbour and taken to a secure location, pending transfer to a museum. It will be displayed there along with BLM protest signs. A friend of mine reacted angrily on Facebook, arguing that it should have stayed in the river, with a memorial to his slave victims at the spot where it was dumped. I am not sure. Ever the tactician, I feel  BLM can afford to a take a quarter step back after taking such a giant stride forward. The toppling of the statute and its dumping into the river was executed with perfect precision and was a huge symbolic action. It reverberated across the world and inspired many other such actions. It is the thing that Bristol will be known for for year ahead. Not the Clifton Suspension bridge, not the Baloon festival. But, the incident may also have shocked some white people who are not outright racists but need time to absorb what has happened. So, it would seem a little churlish to insist that it stay and rot in the river. The river dunk is a part of the statute's history, whether it stays in the river or not. 

Being a Friend To Yourself

A few years ago, during the darkest period of my life, I saw a counsellor at my university to help decided whether I should quit teach mid-semester and tend to my demons. I just saw the counsellor once but one thing he said stayed with me. "If a close friend was going through what you were, what would your advice to them be?". The answer to that question helped me decide to quit.
In times of Covid lockdown, when friends or family might be far away, or might have troubles of their own, it is important to be a friend to yourself. To be able to listen to yourself the way a wise friend would listen without shoving advice down your throat. And, to be able to say to yourself the things a friend would say to you in moments of darkness and despair.
Even before the lockdown I didn't have many friends in Bristol, and my closest friend here might be moving away soon. I am in the final year of my PhD, and stress and frustration are par for the course. But being a friend to myself has helped me cope. 

Off Days

As I look back on an unproductive day less than two weeks from a chapter deadline, it is important to put things in perspective. I don't have a peer group working in the same research ares as I do. For almost the past three months, I have been working from home. I get along with my housemates but we are not friends. My PhD has been a intensely isolating experience, made more so by the Covid lockdown. But, I have done remarkably well to cope well under the circumstances. Yes, some other PD students have it much harder than I do, but so what? I am not complaining or whining to them. I am merely patting myself on the back for coping well. I thought working from home would be a disaster as I had never done it before. Most weeks, I used to spend six days out of seven at the university. But, I made my workspace comfortable in advance. And although I have not been as productive as I would have liked (who ever is?), I have made decent progress and more importantly, I have kept myself in good spirits. I have also tried to support friends in difficult situations to the extent I could. I have shown kindness and empathy to myself and to those around me. On off days, it is important to remember  this. 

Liberal Binds

It is a tough time to be a liberal in a position of power. How do you condemn anti-black racism when many of your supporters and followers are all for it? Maybe not explicitly, but who see calling out racism worse than perpetuating racism. Who fail to even entertain the idea that the world that black people inhabit is drastically different to their own. It is alternately infuriating and amusing to see them tie themselves up in knots. To try to say something that means nothing because if it is vacuous, it doesn't piss anybody off except razor-sharp lefties but who cares about them.